Thursday, September 9, 2010

Today I caught myself not-paying-attention in class a couple times, daydreaming about Hyewon. I can't stop wondering what she thinks of us, and whether or not all this talk about our past relationships is hurting her view of me. I keep wondering what else my mom has said, and whether or not it would be wise to try and tell Hyewon about taking mom's opinions with a big, fat grain of salt... and I should really tell mom again to stop trying to intercede on my behalf... I catch myself often getting my hopes up for all the fun I could have when Hyewon gets here, and all the things we could be doing. I hope we will be able to do all of it. My brother used to warn me about getting too attached, and I'm not taking his advice lightly... I'm keeping my emotions on reserve enough not to be too badly hurt if things go awry (at least for now... but I guess there's no good time limit for that. I thought I knew Lani very well...), and I will keep my standards in-tact, but I plan to let myself thoroughly enjoy every minute we are together.

Oh well...

That brings me to something I've been thinking about alittle lately. What do I think about what happened with Lani? ... I really don't understand the whole situation, except that she was withholding some information which could have saved me a lot of heartache. ... And the way Gabrielle fits into the whole picture just baffles me.. I guess... I'm still a bit angry at Lani, and I feel guilty about the way things went with Gabrielle. I am sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt (that is, allowing only for acts of God), that I will not be in a relationship with Lani again. I am afraid at the idea that Hyewon might be a "rebound", because I was only just recovered from the whole break of friendship with Lani when she appeared. Honestly, she came right when I needed a friend. I didn't know anyone in SLC and it was nearly impossible for me to just meet new people. When I asked Hyewon to teach me Korean, I didn't expect anything at all, and I think I actually had NK in the back of my head at the time.. But do I still have feelings for NK? uh, no. No, no, no. That was really silly of me to begin with, definitely a classic case of LeTU-ism; emotional-sluttiness, as my brother would probably call it..... Conclusion? No, Hyewon isn't a rebound. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met her. I was done with girls all together. I even remember making the comment to her when we first went out to eat that maybe I would just be a hermit. lol. Even if we don't end up together, her questions about my past have been thought-provoking in probably the best way.

"She's like a hot cloth on a fevered head, and like a needle she leads me while I follow like a thread."

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