So I can't speak for everything the Black Eyed Peas produce, but I really like this song:

I could listen to it over and over. It's a bitter-sweet anthem for the united states. It talks about love that's not sexual, but kind, gentle, respectful, and honest. Where is that?

After all, God determines whether we live or die in any case. If I can protect anything, then God will give me the opportunity and ability to do so. I can't let myself be stretched thin looking out for the people I love. Can I love everyone? Is it safe for me to allow myself to be genuinely concerned for every person I meet? Am I even capable of really loving just one person with real, selfless love? If I can't do that, then how can I be useful to the greater good of humanity? Can I be sure that you'll be respected? Can I really pass the burden of your protection on to God?

It's kindof like electing Ron Paul for President. I know plenty of people who'd love to have done it, but they didn't vote for him because they "didn't think he'd win". I can't be kind to just everyone, because they won't be kind to me. They can't be kind with me, because they know that others won't be kind to them. Where does it start?

Sometimes I think I'd rather be naive, kind to everyone, and constantly suffering injustice, instead of "street smart", "wise", concerned for myself, and full of ignorance! Ignorant of the regret that I would be suffering if I only knew the good I could have done.

What a waste of life we're living!!! What uselessness!! We're all so fake and worthless!! I used to think that life was pointless because I felt powerless, like it was impossible for me or anyone else to make an impact on the world. Now I know that life is pointless, because I am unwilling to make an impact on anyone.

I'm so angry just thinking about how much we're being lied to by our culture. How long I have been tricked into thinking that love is impossible! Yeah, what if I get beaten, killed, or much worse things? At least I did what was loving, and I acted with incredible destructive force; the violent wrath of His Love and Forgiveness -- the forgiveness that crushes worldviews and breaks world governments at their knees. This is forgiveness that we can give to each other in our own lives! Nobody will accept this idea. Apathy will never stop. I don't expect to change anything about the way the world operates, but dammit I will not give up Love in my life for fear of my surroundings!

""Easy as pie""

I don't like to debate.

What's doubt, really? A worldview is such a large thing; how can anyone keep their whole worldview in their immediate frame of reference at any time?

My excuses are worthless. I'm consistently disappointed by how irresponsible I am. God created us for so much more than what I've done. Am I fulfilling my purpose? Nobody really knows. I'm a shade of black in a dream about nothing.

Somehow, however, God remembers me. Jesus offers me a couch to sleep on and says something a little more accommodating than, "You can stay here as long as you're looking for a job.".

I hate debate. Everyone's beliefs are so deeply buried in them that they won't be changed.
If you can convince me that I'm wrong, maybe it's because I'm wrong.

"That's a dangerous thought." Is it?
"Don't be pulled away." From what?
"Be careful in your search." For truth?
Why isn't everyone encouraging doubt in their own minds in order to strengthen themselves and avoid ignorance? I'm so sick of hearing people get offended by opinions that disagree with theirs. Who the hell are you or I to tell anyone that they are wrong?! (Except that "I'm *obviously* right"...) The sooner people realize that all the human knowledge that exists is "best-guess", the better.

I can't compare my emotions to other people's emotions anymore. Each time I present an idea to my friends, they call me weird. I used to recreate my thoughts and feelings in order to develop ideas about the reasons people do the things they do, but now I'm beginning to think I missed the train that everyone else boarded. Is it valuable for me to continue introspecting to build a reference for my worldview?

If "I think" is the only evidence I have that "I am", then my thoughts and perceptions are the only things I can build a worldview on. If my thoughts are not the thoughts of the rest of humanity, then my worldview is not applicable to others on a personal level, and might not be valuable for development of interpersonal skills. So, the value of knowing myself exists entirely in understanding my "coping" methods. Emotions are unavoidable consequences of having a brain, and ignoring them leads to all sorts of deterioration of our physical self. Adequate coping methods are as necessary to survival as shelter or tools.

Is there a point, then, where development of self-awareness via introspection begins to yield diminishing returns? I guess only if you're weird. Everyone I know thinks that they're weird.

"is it true? is it helpful? is it important? is it necessary? is it kind?"

Well I did it. It went by a lot faster than I expected. 4 years of collecting games, and probably weeks or months solid off of my life in total.

It's time to be an adult. It's time to take my work seriously and make loose composure my earthly refuge.

I uninstalled all my games except one. I only kept Baduk (Go). That was because playing that one is productive, and in a lot of ways too difficult to be considered video gaming.

...

I'm considering deleting it too, just to be complete, but I really, honestly don't think it'll be a problem. Playing that against the computer is so difficult that it's a chore.

I don't know how to feel about myself now.

I'm not ready for bed yet.

I'm gonna make some tea.

And read a book.

"I spoke my peace. I spoke with the wrath of His grace."

I got XNA to work. Here's my thoughts...

Now I know this is going to make me sound a little bit like a flake.... but......

I have..*counting*...~97 video games on my computer. Most of them I never play, but I keep them because I don't have any way to install them again and they have a little bit of nostalgia value. The number of video games that I play regularly is 3. The question is: if I uninstall the addicting ones, will I immediately become addicted to other, older ones?

Idk... some of those games are going to be very hard to come by in the future.

Therefore, I'm thinking I'll just uninstall the problem game. That game is Smite. This would be a much easier decision if I were the only one who played it, but it's the only game that me and my roommate play together. If I uninstall it, then it's going to remove one of the big things I have in common with my roommate. (kinda sad, huh?)

When I talk to Chowon next I'll ask her opinion about it, and maybe command her to command me to uninstall the big ones, haha. ... but then again, maybe I'll uninstall all of them. idk.

Having XNA is exciting, though. My C# with Game libraries is rusty. I read the MSDN about 3 years ago.

The networks project that I'm working on was due last week, but I've asked around the class and it appears that nobody has finished it successfully, and many of them just turned it in unfinished. I really hate the thought of that... Most everyone has the same problem, and someone told me the problem has something to do with the LeTU firewall. At any rate, there's another project due tomorrow... I'll talk to the prof about it.

In other news, Happy Halloween!

These days... should be summer break.

I'm struggling to focus on school. If it's not one thing, it's another. Right when I get focused, I also get tired. I don't want to be up all night because of procrastination... I guess I'll have to just do my work in the lab. Tonight I'm getting to bed early so that I'll have one less excuse to get busy tomorrow.
I've had a lot of good ideas lately, but I haven't had the patience to sit and do them. I feel like I've been lazy and irresponsible, and it's just killing me.

This week I've been getting a lot done in the mornings. Hopefully tomorrow will be like that.

My conversations with Chowon seem to be getting more and more dense with emotion as we draw near to the winter.

I really need a trip to:
-The dentist
-Walmart
-The ring store
-The dry cleaners (x2)

I wish I had a vehicle.

I've got a lot of work done on a video game I plan to make, but I don't have XNA so I can't get started on the actual code the way I want. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to get XNA installed on my computer (It's not compatible with 8 yet). If I manage it... well, I've been considering deleting all the games on my computer (yeah, all). I figure it will be kind of like ripping duct tape off of my arm. It hurts, and it even leaves a mark, but once the tape is off it's not hard to move on.

My to-do list is as follows:
-Continue working on senior design
-Finish that Networks project!!!
-The Networks presentation is due next Monday
-Knock out the parables paper this weekend, then draft it until it's due
-Meet with Howard Henry about the little actuator robot project

"The name doesn't fit."

Today's post is a vent. I'm really tense because of a run-in I had with some AO guys today, and I'm hoping that blogging about it will cool me off a little.

Today I accidentally mentioned my engagement to Chowon in front of some members of AO. They heard and responded by hinting at the "secret" ceremonial action taken toward to AO members who get engaged.

For the record, in case anyone doesn't know, a brief history of my relationship with AO:
I pledged, thinking that they were going to be more like an accountability group which focused on building character and encouraging one another toward realization of each person's identity in Christ, (as in, each person's identity in the context of an existential Kingdom of God). This in mind, as per status quo, I ate dirt with them for a semester (Fall '11) to "pledge". My grades suffered during that time, and so the next semester I resolved to better prioritize my schooling.
Spring '12 was a very difficult semester for me because of my difficult classes and some trouble I'd encountered in my extracurricular life (which I'll admit was a result of some bad/stupid decisions I made). Because of this, I determined to be an inactive member for the semester, and rarely attended any AO events. My plan was to move in to AO during the summer and probably stay there for semester following.
I'd budgeted my summer very carefully, so that I would have enough money for food, and a plane ticket to see my girlfriend (who I only see in person once a year because of the cost of plane tickets...). At the end of the semester AO took a vote, and decided that since I hadn't spent much time with them that semester they would not allow me to stay in their house. They didn't communicate the vote to me in any way (not email, phone, or in person, or any other way), so on the last day of housing sign-ups I found out from my RD that I didn't have a place to stay that summer. Housing in AO is free. This meant that I had to put down $500 for summer housing. Because of my tight budget, ($500 was almost all I had), I basically had to decide between seeing Chowon and eating for most of the summer. Knowing this, I turned in my shirt and paddle to the president of AO before the spring semester ended, and I told them to never include me in any more activities. He said to me: "You get out of AO what you put into AO." To this day, I have no clue what he was referring to.
I ate at friend's houses whenever I could, and I bought bulk food as well as I knew how. I got much help from the Ito and the Henry families. Most days during the summer I ate just one meal, sometimes just one bowl of Ramen, sometimes nothing at all. Towards the end of the summer, I bought Chowon's ticket ($1807.79 ftr) and I had about $50 left over. I didn't waste any money, but I really learned how to stretch a dollar to get more food. I lost about 15lbs if I remember correctly.
I don't particularly dislike any individuals in the house, so on rare occasion I've considered going back... but then I remember that summer and how strongly I feel about never returning.

So back to the engagement. Tomorrow night, at AO's regular Wednesday meeting, that member will probably bring my engagement up to the house and they will vote on whether or not to carry out the traditional actions for members who get engaged. The president of the house when I left has since graduated, and the new president may or may not know about me telling them to never include me. I'll let them know. I will not be a part of any more hazing at AO, and I will do everything I can to ensure that it will not happen to me. If does happen to me; if they violate my decision to leave the house, then I will direct my attention toward ensuring that it never happens to anyone else again.

"Calm rose, violent wind."

Haven't blogged in a while.

Right now I kinda miss having a blog to read...

Here's the update:

Summer internship went great. Got a job offer -- odds are I'm gonna take it.
Me and Chowon are about as serious as we can be. I've got my ticket to see her this winter.
School is going alright. As always, I really need prayer for my focus and time management skills.

TBH, the reason I'm blogging today is because I'm feeling really emotionally off balance. There are a few contributing factors for this.
1. I didn't sleep well last night
2. I watched like 8 episodes of SAO today, finishing the series. That was an emotionally draining show. I'm kinda glad it's over.
3. For some reason, I was compelled to check on my old Xanga today.

Xanga has been rebuilt, so the old blogs are only available as downloadable .xml files. Reading it was interesting at first. Skimming the posts immediately revealed some elaborate dreams I experienced 6+ years ago and had since forgotten. As I read on, though, I began to find pieces of a former me that I really didn't want to remember. I know it's kinda stupid, because it was highschool -- but those years represent some of the highest quality growth of our prefrontal cortex, making the time uniquely defining and very valuable for us to know ourselves and how we came to be the persons who we are. Some of those relationships lingered on after I went to the university. Some of my past friends represent memories that still have power to pull me into mild despondency. Reading the Xanga blog deteriorated into an unpleasant and isolating experience. I'm tempted to keep the xml file... just in case I want those memories back in the distant future... but I don't think it has the capacity to affect anyone positively anymore.

I'm going to keep it for a few days. If I forget about it or come up with a good reason not to delete it, then it will not be deleted. Otherwise, I'll erase it from history for good.

"Hope and understanding for the family."