Been extremely busy lately. I have been "in training" for the police job for an extended period of time, and they're letting me start working on my own, but I'm still "on job probation" for 30 days. Tonight I have an 8 page paper to re-write due tomorrow morning at 8. Right now I'm matching up sources to data (I forgot to do in-text citations on the original essay). I feel like I haven't talked to Chowon in a long time, even though it's only been a couple days. I really like talking to her.

As for my disciplinary probation, that's been going well, too. I have another professor meeting tomorrow. I have to make-up a few missed Bible readings tonight. I was supposed to read every night, but it's hard to find time when you work from 4pm to midnight, pound out homework until 2 and wake up at 7.

I had a dream the other night where I forgot everything except for my general knowledge and my memories from a specific 4 days, and I became a baby and was given to a new mother. I remember a man walking me through those 4 days and joking about the things I had done, and how when I had told a lie or been too easily swayed by temptation, I was forgiven. I thought the man was God, but it was only 4 days he was telling me about. As a baby, I was taking a bath and I wrote on the surface of the water with a Sharpie the details of some terrible crime. The ink floated back to me and turned my skin black, and when my new mother saw it she pulled me out and handed me some paper and said she wanted to discuss who I was and why I could write over a game of scrabble. I woke up then. It made me want to talk to my mom. I haven't talked to her in a while because I've been so busy. I'll call her sometime this weekend if I can.

"...that I sometimes imagine you next to me, and everything around disappears for a second"

Roger hasn't responded to me asking him to delay sending the file. I guess as long as I can try to get it before Saturday, and especially if I can get him to give it to Chowon before then. If I can't, then I'm gonna need to get it from him before Friday so I can replenish my bandwidth.

I thought I had more time to do this assignment for EPM, and I don't, so I'm gonna be up really late working on it tonight.

JiHye stood me up for the Skype meeting today. Problem solved. I was wondering how I was gonna get around that. She's really awesome, but I want to just have a crush on one person right now.. even if it means choosing the wrong one.......

But God's been pretty clear lately about convicting me to be more single-minded about things like this, so I'm just gonna take that and run with it. God, you know best.

"Though it is possible to perform two-way linear interpolation, it is much easier and more accurate to use the factor formula or a spreadsheet function."

It's important to differentiate between wants and needs. I need sleep, I want to go drink some coffee and hang with friends all night.

Talked with Chowon again tonight. We watched a movie together and I was really surprised by how fun it was over Skype. I could see her the whole time we watched the movie and her reactions to some of it were just adorable. We're watching an action movie next week if I can get it over skype from Roger. Thanks to LeTU's internet restrictions I'm having the worst time trying to get it. I'm going to refrain from using the internet for two days so I can be sure that I have the 1.9Gb I need to get this. I hope Roger is ok with that plan. I should really set a time with him to do this.

I'm gonna go facebook Roger and then go to sleep.

"So whenever I'm sad, I think of that"

I feel like my ears are about to bleed. I know exactly what to think, but there are nonsense ideas finding their way in from all angles. It's easy to tell right from wrong, but sometimes hard to pick out fact from fiction.

Lately I've been thinking about my worldview. Why do I prioritize one thing over another? That is, with so much "random" chance involved in every single thing that happens how can I decide that anything will do more good than anything else? Without God convicting me of what is best in every single case there must be some underlying presupposition -- specifically for tonight's purpose, about the balance between "everything is meaningless" and "everything has value". I think I've considered this same thing in a previous blog to no avail. Maybe it's something I'll never know. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to shut out introversion or consideration for the world and live a shallow life (because ignorance is bliss). But a good friend told me a long time ago, "don't stop thinking," when I asked a similar question. It doesn't seem like a very well thought out command, but you'll have to take my word for it when I say that it was, in context.

hmm.... I've rewritten this paragraph a couple times and.... now I'm really hungry, but I don't have food....... I'm gonna go check the kitchen.

"I saw God but I don't know what he said
because my heart was not open"

ah that wasn't so bad. Gabrielle and I kept our distance, and we ended up having another heart to heart (somehow I expected something like that to happen) and all is well. She's sleeping in the living room and staying tomorrow (Who planned this?) and I think it will be fun nonetheless. Tomorrow it might be difficult to get my Skype in with all the talk about travel to Midvale and whatever. I'm sure I'll figure something out.

It's 4AM and I'm sleeping in tomorrow. Goodnight.

"Your turn"

Today I hung out with Dad all day :D Much fun. He showed me around the neighborhood. I finished downloading Full Metal Alchemist for view @ LeTU. Saw Chowon on Skype and sent her a message "good morning chowon!". It was like 11:45 there. I know she does Skype on her phone, so as an experiment, I tried to see if I could remove it (right click remove). It disappeared and now I can't bring it back and so now I'm afraid theres this "message from Zac removed" on her phone..

Oh well.

Watched the Red Cliff Part 1 today, Part 2 is for tomorrow (if Gabbi is up for it.. if not, maybe I'll download it for school).

Self-diagnosed psychoses are almost never taken seriously. Why waste time trying to introspect?

"Generating new values."

Latest song I'm listening to over and over:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvPhagZwNuo
I always thought it had an awesome beat [danana danana danana danana] but I wouldn't listen to it because I don't like Timberlake. IMO this cover added just the right "heavy" to fill out the sound and make it ok to listen.

Also recently fallen in love with the band BassNectar X) X) X) Four albums added to stock.

I keep seeing Chowon signed on to Skype and I want to say something to her, but I don't know what to say because it's so late at night. I'm ok with staying up late talking with her, but I'm afraid since I'm so tired I'm gonna say something stupid. I already feel like I'm not doing well making conversation during our Skypes, but she talks well and always has something interesting to say, so I like that about us.

Gabrielle and I meet in two days, and I'm not exactly sure how to lead into saying that this meeting is to be completely "friends" and platonic and simple. I think it'd be presumptuous for me to say I don't want to lead her on, but based on her communication the past few days, I really think that might be what's happening.

The Differential Equations class that I missed for that damn EPM meeting covered second order Leplace Transforms, and as a result, I can't BS the homework. People I've talked to unanimously agree that the book is unreadable. I texted a friend asking him to scan and send me a proof for me to study, but somehow I don't think it's gonna happen. I'm pretty sure Shane is feeling animus about something, but as usual I can't tell what. I'm frustrated with his lack of communication, and the more recent events sink in, the less I trust him. That's not a good thing, so I intend to have a heart-to-heart with him when I get back.

I can't seem to find a balance between pride and shame. Is this a common struggle? I am insecure, so I build myself up using positive reactions from people around me. Then I get proud and act like a jerk, so people's reactions become negative and I tear myself down. Maybe I'll find a middle eventually, the trick will be staying there.

"a slap on the wrist"