It's early again. I'm probably gonna be dropping dynamics :( Whatever... It's another thing I'll have to deal with eventually. Maybe summer school :/

I made a mix a while back that I really liked... I wish I could find it on my computer...

Listening to "Liquid Tension Experiment". It's ok. Good for winding down... oh, nevermind. It's not calm anymore. First time listening to it... I'm shifting over to Sigur Ros. ... nevermind. I'm in the mood for Sugar Ray.

There's a love greater than ours, and a perfect counselor. "You made your choice, and I'll never take you back" -- Nobody said that. It's one of those things... I could mull over, over and over what I would say if I had the opportunity. "We could have lasted forever". I'm changing to Copeland. "Sing with your head up, with your eyes closed". I had built myself up on an unstable foundation. There was too much trust. Too much absolutism. "Impregnable my Fortress Unto All Heart" I'd like to think now that I am unstoppable... but we never are. My only fear is that I have not built myself strong enough for that one occurrence. With how much power can it oppress me when things have to be so uncommonly perfect in order that it will happen? Can I say that it is more likely for strange things to happen to me based on my past experience? Has God created us with subdued probability? The blame was only my own. I am mislead by romanticist ideals of supernatural connection between social counterparts. "In a word, I was too cowardly to do what I knew to be right, as I had been too cowardly to avoid doing what I knew to be wrong."

We are commanded to strive to be overfilled with a frightening, unfulfillable, and indisposable creation of God. Something that belongs to God alone, but he forces us to carry it around like a cross on our backs. The question is, did God create it? Was it there forever? We were created for a purpose which we proved incapable of fulfilling ["when I don't know how to hide"] Was that a mistake? Did God create us with failure in mind? God resorted to raising us up. We are only an image ["I don't want to win this time"]. We are only a resemblance, incapable of displaying the full emotion; incapable of singly conveying the thoughts of the artist who drew us out of the dust and "fearfully", "wonderfully" saw half of us reject him as an artist. We are the designers of our own fate, are we? Do we have freedom to fail because we demanded it or because we rejected it? "I called but you did not answer, I spoke but you did not listen." "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in" "You shine like the dawn; as bright as the sun, as beautiful as the moon"

"We are mirrors, reflecting as much as possible what the viewer wants to see"

Things have changed.

I wish I had more ideas for things to draw. I want to draw more....

I wish artists and poets made money... I think I'd much rather write poetry than anything else. I remember there was a time when I was younger that I wanted to just be a travelling poet; poor and homeless, living on my faith and my hope and whatever food I can find wherever. I think it's possible to do that, and it would be hard, I know. The issue is just giving up what I have. I think I have so much, and it would be a waste to turn back and give it all away.

Does God call us to give everything we have to the poor so that we can live a life separate from earthly treasure -- solely devoted to him? Isn't that what he wants from us? It's the right thing, but I know it's the wrong thing. ... well, is it really the wrong thing? "Of course!" But what if it is the perfect thing to do, always right no matter who you are or your situation? What if we have been trained by society and normalcy to believe that it's a bad idea? But we don't really belong to this society and world anyway. The Bible tells us over and over that we are not of the world (John 2:15-17,John 17:11-16,1Corinthians 9:19-23), and that the things of this world are not to be desired because they will pass away, where the love of God and the good that we do for others will last forever. When we give up those things, and give them to the least of men -- good people or bad people, we give directly to God, and what greater gift can we give than "all that we have"?

Then... what if our talent is something we have to pay money to develop for the purpose of serving God with what he has given us? Where do you balance earning, saving and giving?

We, Christians, are not normal. People look at us and wonder what's real and what's not. When people see hypocrisy in the Church, they are driven to hate or to distance themselves from what is good in life (wisdom, contentment and a clean conscience, as opposed to what is "desirable" --wealth, immorality, whatever). When people decide to fight the existence of a deity or supernatural creation, they tailor their arguments to fight Christianity. People look at us and wonder if we "think" we're so good when we really aren't.... I really hate conversion stories that depict people who have turned away from every addiction completely upon meeting God. They are misleading to people who will become Christian and continue to struggle... Loving God despite hardship was never meant to be easy...

I've got a story to tell you guys about listening to multiple songs at once, but I'll save it for later.

"The most beautiful song"

I can't think of anything to write tonight. Usually, I just write what I'm thinking, but the only thing occupying my mind right now is sleep.. and 초완 (if I spelled that right...) She's awake now, doing something while some part of her mind listens attentively for text messages on her phone. She responded to a facebook message I sent her via Facebook 모바일. We're gonna Skype for the first time since I've been back next Saturday. It's too bad that we have to schedule these things a week in advance, but we do what we have to do. I get flustered every time I remember her, and how easy it was to make her blush.

My roommate is probably wide awake right now, waiting for me to go to bed. He doesn't like the light from my monitor. I'll finish this off with a story.

So a farmer had a lot of work to do one day. He puts out an add and hires some guys to do the work for him, telling them he'll pay them each $120 a ten hour day. They come in in the morning, and the farmer soon realizes that the work isn't gonna get done that day. About 9AM he goes out and hires some more people to work for him -- saying he'll pay them for a day's work. About 5PM he sees that there is still some extra work to be done, and if he can get just a few more people he can polish off his whole field up to some quota he wants to meet. He quickly goes to a nearby shop and asks a few people doing nothing if they want to help for good pay. A few come out, and sure enough the job is finished to the farmer's satisfaction.

He calls them in and gives them each the full $120. Of course, the people who had been working there all day expected they'd get paid more. They complained to the farmer, and he said, "Look, we agreed on your pay, and what I'm doing is not unfair. I want to pay you each the same, and I'll do what I want with my money -- don't I have the right to do that? or are you mad because I am generous?" and he said "Just take your money and go."


I wonder if that's what will happen in heaven... when everyone receives the same reward for their repentance... I hope... I will not be the disgruntled servant, because "I am less than the least of all God's people" -- we are all created equal, and we will all equally return to the dust from which we came.

"So the last will be first, and the first will be last."

Dynamics is proving to be rather difficult. The keys on the left side of my keyboard have broke, so I have to tap them a bunch of times before they'll work, but after that they continue to work until I stop typing for a few minutes... I guess it's like a short or dusty or rusty circuit or something.... I'm gonna pick up a new keyboard at Walmart this Sat.

I'm working on differential equations right now, and I just read the next problem and it's one of those problems that I know I can do if I write stuff down as I go, but I can't wrap my head around it all at once, so I know it's gonna be time consuming, and I know I'm way too tired for that one... so I'm gonna leave some blank space and ask the teacher to do it in class tomorrow....... she normally has the answers online, but she doesn't this time and I'm very unsure about the quality of my work. I hate word problems. I like math and I just want to do equations, but I know that's not how it will be in the real world........maybe I'm not cut out for engineering..... anyway, if nothing else, I could teach this stuff like a baws.... Or switch to just being a math major -- I would really like that, but I don't know how much money professional mathematicians make. That's it! I'm gonna talk to my advisor about becoming a math major who takes computer classes from time to time.

Today after lunch we got coffee and there was this really pretty girl in there. I complimented her hair to start, because it looked cool, but after that I was just stumbling over my words --and I know she was giving me a chance, because she asked me about myself and I asked back, and she seemed interested at first. I kinda screwed it up, though. It's not like I said anything stupid, I just didn't say anything smart (as in witty or indicative of my having social skills at all). She's a kinese major, so I probably won't see her again for a long time. I didn't even remember to ask her number or anything. ... oh well, too bad.

... Welp, the next and last diffQ problem asks about the one previous to it. Not gonna do that one either. That puts us at 3:45AM, waking up at 7:40AM. If I go to bed now, I can get 4 hours of sleep.

"O porcupine, low in the tree, your eyes to mine, "You'd be well inclined not to mess with me!""

"at the garden's edge, beneath a speechless sky, as his friends all slept, Jesus wept."

stayed up too late the past couple of nights. Tonight will be different. Homework hasn't been good in Dynamics. I need a book, but I need school money for it and it's complicated... :/ anyway, working things out. Thinking about someone, not sure if I'll ask the question or take any action at all. What do I have to lose? Well, that's exactly the question I can't come up with an answer for. Too much gossip, social games, essays, differential equations. Ah well... whatever.... Night^^

Did lots of homework today. It's 3:00AM, so I should get to bed ASAP, but I thought I'd punch in a short one tonight. I saw some cool youtube videos today from a few friends. I don't want to go find all of them again and link them here, but let it suffice to say, you should wish you knew what I was talking about so you could watch them.

Tyler has really been building me up lately. He is really good at saying nice thing to people. I'm glad he and Shane are such good friends to me.

I haven't been practicing piano much lately because every time I go to it I start to miss my friends in Korea. There was so much music there, and they were such good friends. I almost cry at the end of each song. But I miss piano, too, so I think I'm gonna force myself to go back to it. There is a song with words that I want to learn to sing and play, and there is another song that's about my skill level that my piano teacher recommended for me, and I also have the sheet music to Rhapsody in Blue that I haven't learned past the first page of. It's such a hard piece, and at 30 pages, I have a hard time finding the patience to even work on it.

Tyler, Shane, and I have been doing Bible studies every night. Sometimes Shane isn't there, and sometimes Tyler isn't there, but there's always one of them with me if not both, and I think it's a really good thing for all three of us. So, without further time spending, I'm gonna go do that. Goodnight^^

"If I ask the same questions -- if I ask the same questions -- and if I ask the same questions -- well, maybe I repeat myself from time to time -- but if I ask the same questions -- it's because everyone who answers me is a liar!"

I haven't been blogging much lately, and I kindof miss it. It's weird, I think, because blogging has become almost a part of me. I have done it for so long, and when I'm not doing it, I feel like a person who just finally successfully quit smoking. It's cool for a while, but as soon as I get stressed I start again, because this is where I vent. I guess that wasn't a very good analogy, because this is nowhere near as destructive as smoking. In fact, IMO blogging is constructive....

Anyway, though, this week has been some fun. I'm enjoying getting to know all the freshmen in my dorm, and I don't dislike them as much as I thought I would. There's some elementary school drama going on with this one guy who pretended to ask a girl out and she said yes and he doesn't believe her and he isn't sure if he has a girlfriend or not now. Tyler is still getting over his breakup with Dana, but he's taking it really well. I think it's too bad they broke up, but I'm sure it's for the best. Someone told me that Dana isn't taking it as well, and that she's been a little sick lately or something, but she seems kindof happy. Idk. I'm sure she will be fine. She's a strong girl. And then Mr. Sumral is afraid that Tyler is having serious issues, but I don't think it's so bad. Nathan's probably just making it worse.

There have been lots of girls in the dorm lately. Everyone has a crush on someone... I feel like my crush is always out of reach. I don't think I want a girlfriend anymore until I settle down... if I ever settle down... Like, all my relationships become long distance, and either she cheats on me or breaks up with me or whatever. I guess someone will tie me down eventually. Maybe I'm never to be with someone permanently. One of my favorite Christian bands, MeWithoutYou, said "I'm still technically a virgin after 27 years. What's maybe 50 more?" Seems kindof grim to me, but it makes a good point... --Not to say that the only outcome of permanence in a relationship is sex, but the idea is he's not married and sex seems like a great thing for married couples to do. ... ..... so Ian has a crush on whatserface and kindof took her on what might have been a date but now he isn't sure how to make a move. We make fun of him saying he's scared to tell her how he feels or ask her out, and it's probably true. He'll figure something out. Maybe I shouldn't blog about that, but I don't care right now. I'm.. really tired...

맥주를 보고싶어
...
Tyler: "There's Shane, you can't see him because he's too dark."
Shane: "I'm adorable!"