Tonight I'm thinking about how you can never tell what other people are thinking.

"It almost makes me wish I could change everything for the worse"

"Just as the heart fades away in death, so does it's love fade away in life."

What am I more afraid of, being betrayed or being forgotten? I think I have experienced both in a small sense, but I can't decide which would be worse in the future unless the forgetting is mutual.

Even those fears are insignificant compared to the strangeness of peace brought on by resolving that deep confusion of ours.

I always feel like I make mistakes, and I over analyze what people must think of me. Maybe it's a bad idea to write here as if nobody reads it. Maybe I don't write here as if nobody reads it.... The thought that I could be writing my emotions down, HOPING that any person I know would read them is completely nauseating to me, but what knowledge do we have of our subconscious? And to refuse to acknowledge something is to prove it's existence. It's the same as what that guy says in the Starfucker song "if you are aware of a state which you call 'is', or reality, or life, this implies another state called 'isn't' or unreality or nothingness..." But I think the philosopher is speaking more of a present unreality than a nonpresent one. Like, there is definitely not a giant spaghetti monster in my living room, but there could be a few ghosts (just to make this point). The ghosts would be a present nothingness, while the monster is nonpresent nothingness (that is to say it doesn't exist anyway).

Anyway, this train of thought leads us to the conclusion that there is no way for me, personally, to know what I am feeling. Is my subconscious sad while I am merely trying to be happy; refusing to acknowledge my sadness? There's no way for me to know. ... I suppose I could try both and see which is easier ... Idek. This is a useless train of thought.

So I talked to Gavin a few weeks ago about the promise thing with Lani. I think it might suffice to call her up and ask her about it. I think that if she's forgotten (which I wouldn't put past her) then I can call the deal off. Explaining myself completely has always worked in the past, maybe I'll just do that.: I'd be willing to talk about it for rote, but I don't really want us to have a second chance.

I think I accidentally sounded a little bit jealous on the phone with Chowon today. Wondering what she must think of it (or me!!! Lions and tigers and bears OH MY!) makes me cringe.

This church I've been going to is really challenging my worldviews. The people there worship enthusiastically, which is just awesome, but they are so much more into it than I'm used to. They sing with loud voices, they stomp and clap and dance around, they close their eyes and raise their hands, some of them wave flags in the back, and some of them are not very good at singing. Sometimes when they look like fools it's hard not to judge them, because I'm usually really reserved and boring when I worship God. I like the feel of their services and I hope I can come out of my shell a bit and maybe infect some LeTourneau students with the enthusiasm when I return.

Another thing they do that is probably 90% of what challenges me about this church is that before each service the pastor asks the congregation to listen to the Holy Spirit and if anyone feels lead or receives a "word" from the Holy Spirit, to come up and give it in front. There is always at least one person coming up, and not always the same person. These people are mostly very well-versed in scripture, and seem (by their actions as well as their words) very well-grounded in their faith, and the "words" they give are sometimes encouragements for the whole congregation (which who can argue with?) or sometimes they are directed at an individual in the audience. The amazing thing is, these "words" seriously stir up a focus on God and a feeling of closeness or belonging in the chapel (as if the Holy Spirit were trying to make us feel like a family sitting around our beloved brother who would tell us something great about God). When they are directed at the church as a whole, they are often perfect for the mood of the lesson, and when they are for individuals, they almost invariably leave the individual crying tears of joy for some previously concealed incident in their life that God had spoke to them about. What's really amazing is when the word concerns something tentative in the future, and they come back the next week with praises that God had fulfilled his promise. It's hard not to judge the church for this, but these people aren't televangelists. They're people like me, who I see every day and trust and love (at least, vicariously through my brother, who I respect to an absolute). It's a weird thing, and someone may read this and think I'm a typical cult follower, but I think that the Holy Spirit moves in that church in a unique way.

This blog was super long, but whatev's. Props if you read all of it. ^^

So I was gonna post some pictures on Facebook, but then I changed my mind and decided to post on Facebook about how my Facebook account was down for the next few hours due to site maintenance, but then I remembered that my Facebook is down due to site maintenance.

Today felt like the difference between meaning and purpose. ... in a really indirect way... It was just the vibe is all. Meaning is what grounds you. It's the unmovable truth that lets you know you're on the right or wrong road. Purpose is the road itself.

You might say the meaning of life is written for us in the Bible. The purpose of life is to walk with God and worship him along with humanity as a whole... but humanity is broken, and we have to do our part to fix it as well as we can, despite the futility of our efforts.

I slept during a good portion of the airshow, but I'd like to think I saw the cool parts (the flame thrower demo, the spitfire, some other planes throwing smoke and doing flips, the "reenactment", and the flea market.) The reenactment was kindof hilarious. They had one Japanese Zero on site, so instead of having a mock dog fight or something, (which I'm sure would be outrageously dangerous,) they had the planes do circles around the crowd, and every time the Zero flew over they shot it with their fake MGs. Well, a few of the MGs were real, but they weren't the firing kind anymore.

A lot of today I was wondering if I aught to text Chowon or if I should wait a day or two. I wonder when it's too much, and I don't want to get ahead of myself when we've got like a year before we see each other again. Then the one time I had her available and texting at the same time as me, Bud pulls out CoD Black Ops and I completely lost focus and didn't text back. Waiting for the response now to my 2-hour late text.

"Never forget the sun. It's only a dream tonight. Let me take it carefully...for you"

Chowon made a heart with her hands today when she was done talking to me^^ Sometimes I'm afraid I say stupid stuff when I'm on Skype with her. Always hoping for the best. I briefly talked to Gana on Skype today. I wish I could talk with her more. It's a little weird for me because she's dating Mark, but I can be friends with a girl who has a boyfriend, right? I don't remember ever trying it before (except with Sean and Deena, but that doesn't really count), but she's pretty cool and so is Mark, so I'll give it a shot.

Dan got that gate up on his fence. And while he was doing that with Al, I finished putting the fence up on the fence, and then we got him new wipers and a new rear-view for the bu. Still more work to do. There's always something that needs done, and the atmosphere here is like "there only this much and then we'll be done" but I have a feeling there will always be something else. I'll do my best and knock out as much as I can while I'm here. The work here is like Tetris. It needs you to be organized or else it will stack up, there isn't a lot of time, and nobody is sure if it will ever end -- just get's faster and faster; especially since Steph is pregnant again.

They keep saying "we're gonna do the attic" but I don't think anyone really knows how we're going to do the next step. Before we move people in we have to put up the drywall. Before we put up the drywall we need to put up an insulation vent. Before we put in the vent, we need to figure out vent prices. Before we figure out vent prices, we need to figure out how much money we have. Before we figure out how much money we have, we need to figure out vents. And be fore we do anything, we need to find a place to put all the crap that's presently in the attic. But since we don't know about that, let's paint the shed. But before we paint the shed, we should replace the rotten wood. But where's the rotten wood and how will we replace it and how much does that cost?

It's kinda mind-boggling. I'm amazed that Dan and Steph can keep it so well kept in their heads. I guess it's their life, and I have enough to think about without remembering the details of their life. I'll cross bridges as they come to me.

Chowon's voice is in the back of my head all the time. It's an encouraging thing to have someone to think about and to look forward to talking to. I think God made us with holes that he would not fill. We are taught to be totally content with Him, but didn't he create Eve because Adam, even in his perfect state, was unfulfilled by God alone?

Yesterday for some reason I caught myself imagining what I'd say to Lani. It was totally random. but.... I made that promise that before I got engaged I'd give us a second chance. She made it, too. Am I released from that? I think I'll just save some money, look for a break and a hotel room and a rental car and go out to Alabama for a weekend and throw the chance up in the air; some ridiculous offer like "if we are to have anything, you'll have to wait for two years." She has a boyfriend and everything, but she made the promise just as much as me. I bet she doesn't remember it.... Idk, I can't see myself making a promise and throwing it away like that. I don't want Lani. I want someone I can travel the world with on a whim... and someone who won't find someone else when I'm not around. I just... have to cut my ties so I can erase her from my memory. Once I've fulfilled that promise, I intend to erase all my contacts with her. They feel like unfulfillable obligations sitting at the edge of my facebook page whenever she comes up as a recommended something or other; sitting on the edge of my cell phone whenever I look up a friend who's name starts with "L" -- I can't get rid of her while I have a promise on my back, and it feels awkward to talk to her.

What a waste of emotion.

"Thanks for saying I'm a priority"

My brother's XBox360 broke today. The CD drive is jammed pretty hardcore. We took it apart and couldn't figure out the problem. Got like 3 people to donate toolkits looking for something that would work on a T8; ended up using a T10 from my own toolkit. It worked, but again, no luck. I have a $50 budget to get the thing up and running again. I think I can do it.

Went camping last night and the night before. It was a lot of fun^^ we stayed in a cabin. lol. but we roasted marshmallows and stuff. :) good times.

Today we had a pretty cool Bible study also. We read most of 2 Timothy 1 but focused mostly on 2 Timothy 1:1-2 and the meaning of "God's Grace" and how it can give us strength.

Mom and dad still working on my FAFSA. I finished everything except the parent salary page, so they just have to log in and put in their salaries. Oh well......

Today is a big day for Chowon. She was chosen to receive some honor at the Blue House. I'm super excited for her^^

My voice is almost completely back, but I can't hit those really high pitched notes I used to be able to hit. I guess it's alright, because I never really did that anyway, but now that I can't do it I kinda wish I could. It'd be nice to be able to squeak with Gwenyth.

Dynasty Warriors is online for free. That's the only game I ever stayed up all night without sleeping to play. That was back on the PS1, too. ... but at 10kbps this 2gigs is a sad, gloomy, 30 hours away. Dan and Steph have a kind of clearwire internet, called "OpenRange". (more like directed antennae) It doesn't work so well when we have stormy weather.

Class starts tomorrow. I'm kinda nervous. It's gonna be a real grind. I'll power through it.

"Yeah, except they're in Australia."

Summertime is taking off. Been sick the past few days. No more apples I guess... lol. It's an hour past the bed time I set for myself. I was half expecting to see Dan first, but I guess he went straight to bed. I had planned to Skype Chowon this morning, and to Skype Jihye this evening. I got sicker than normal and slept through my appointment with Chowon. I called her back in the evening but she didn't answer. I was able to make the appointment with Jihye, but she missed it (as usual, one of us always misses that. Oh well). I have my laptop on for Skype, and every once in a while it makes a weird noise, but I can't tell what it's doing because it's Linux Skype and it's weird.

I installed a new bootloader on the lapster and it screwed up all the startup programs (including the *entire* desktop composition) on my windows partition, and I haven't had the nerve to go in there and try to fix it. I vaguely remember solving this problem before by rolling back the OS, but it just takes so much time. Also, I need to fold laundry... for reals.

Dan introduced me to a new band and I'm diggin it. I intend to show the dorm asap on returning. It's a mellow/indie/electronic band.

School starts on the 23rd. Chowon leaves in like two months. I mailed her a letter. I was thinking I could make $800 to go to Korea in the winter and see her, but it's gonna be so hard. I wonder if she intends to continue Skyping each Saturday night. Maybe I let on a little too much too soon with her. It'd be a shame.

Dad made a good point, though. If I can make $800, I aught to spend it more frugally. I have lots of friends I'd like to see there, but I could also spend that on a moped (rofl).

The Pirate Bay seems to be unresponsive... I guess I'll have to get Kung Fu Panda another day.

Google Chrome Canary is super cool, and it has angry birds X)

"There are only two possible reasons for self disclosure."