What am I more afraid of, being betrayed or being forgotten? I think I have experienced both in a small sense, but I can't decide which would be worse in the future unless the forgetting is mutual.
Even those fears are insignificant compared to the strangeness of peace brought on by resolving that deep confusion of ours.
I always feel like I make mistakes, and I over analyze what people must think of me. Maybe it's a bad idea to write here as if nobody reads it. Maybe I don't write here as if nobody reads it.... The thought that I could be writing my emotions down, HOPING that any person I know would read them is completely nauseating to me, but what knowledge do we have of our subconscious? And to refuse to acknowledge something is to prove it's existence. It's the same as what that guy says in the Starfucker song "if you are aware of a state which you call 'is', or reality, or life, this implies another state called 'isn't' or unreality or nothingness..." But I think the philosopher is speaking more of a present unreality than a nonpresent one. Like, there is definitely not a giant spaghetti monster in my living room, but there could be a few ghosts (just to make this point). The ghosts would be a present nothingness, while the monster is nonpresent nothingness (that is to say it doesn't exist anyway).
Anyway, this train of thought leads us to the conclusion that there is no way for me, personally, to know what I am feeling. Is my subconscious sad while I am merely trying to be happy; refusing to acknowledge my sadness? There's no way for me to know. ... I suppose I could try both and see which is easier ... Idek. This is a useless train of thought.
So I talked to Gavin a few weeks ago about the promise thing with Lani. I think it might suffice to call her up and ask her about it. I think that if she's forgotten (which I wouldn't put past her) then I can call the deal off. Explaining myself completely has always worked in the past, maybe I'll just do that.: I'd be willing to talk about it for rote, but I don't really want us to have a second chance.
I think I accidentally sounded a little bit jealous on the phone with Chowon today. Wondering what she must think of it (or me!!! Lions and tigers and bears OH MY!) makes me cringe.
This church I've been going to is really challenging my worldviews. The people there worship enthusiastically, which is just awesome, but they are so much more into it than I'm used to. They sing with loud voices, they stomp and clap and dance around, they close their eyes and raise their hands, some of them wave flags in the back, and some of them are not very good at singing. Sometimes when they look like fools it's hard not to judge them, because I'm usually really reserved and boring when I worship God. I like the feel of their services and I hope I can come out of my shell a bit and maybe infect some LeTourneau students with the enthusiasm when I return.
Another thing they do that is probably 90% of what challenges me about this church is that before each service the pastor asks the congregation to listen to the Holy Spirit and if anyone feels lead or receives a "word" from the Holy Spirit, to come up and give it in front. There is always at least one person coming up, and not always the same person. These people are mostly very well-versed in scripture, and seem (by their actions as well as their words) very well-grounded in their faith, and the "words" they give are sometimes encouragements for the whole congregation (which who can argue with?) or sometimes they are directed at an individual in the audience. The amazing thing is, these "words" seriously stir up a focus on God and a feeling of closeness or belonging in the chapel (as if the Holy Spirit were trying to make us feel like a family sitting around our beloved brother who would tell us something great about God). When they are directed at the church as a whole, they are often perfect for the mood of the lesson, and when they are for individuals, they almost invariably leave the individual crying tears of joy for some previously concealed incident in their life that God had spoke to them about. What's really amazing is when the word concerns something tentative in the future, and they come back the next week with praises that God had fulfilled his promise. It's hard not to judge the church for this, but these people aren't televangelists. They're people like me, who I see every day and trust and love (at least, vicariously through my brother, who I respect to an absolute). It's a weird thing, and someone may read this and think I'm a typical cult follower, but I think that the Holy Spirit moves in that church in a unique way.
This blog was super long, but whatev's. Props if you read all of it. ^^
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