Hearing that album makes me nostalgic.
Speaking of nostalgia, I looked through my old Photobucket today and saw a picture of someone I used to know, and it suddenly made me very upset. More upsetting than the picture itself was the name I gave it, and it's not the first time I've encountered a reminder like this which had the same effect. It was a picture of someone I used to know rather well; I stole that picture from the person's myspace because at the time I sort of encorporated the person as a part of my self-description. I imagine that if I were still in touch with the person, they would be one of my closest friends.
I was selfish and I took the person for granted. When that person did exactly what I should have expected them to do (if I wasn't a total idiot), I got hurt. Now, looking back, I'm not offended by that person's actions at all, but I'm more hurt that I didn't do what I should have done in order to protect the relationship we had.
The person may never know how much of an effect they had on me. I now regularly do the thing which that person told me I didn't do, so that I will never repeat the same mistake, and I recognize how important it is, but whenever I am reminded of that person I realize how they changed me for the better, and how much of my effort carries the bitter taste of that person's hurt voice telling me why... Three of the most vivid memories I have in my life are: the one time that person hugged me; the time (near when I moved away) that the person cried; and the way that whenever we walked away from the bridge where we used to meet and talk and play poohsticks, I would always look back, but they never looked back at me. The person just kept walking towards home. I remember once I stopped right after we parted and turned around and watched because I thought that maybe that person looked at different times from me so I always missed it, but they never looked back.
I don't have that person's phone number anymore, because I deleted it, and part of me regrets that, but I don't imagine that I would have helped things by keeping it. I regret not talking more directly to the person last time I met, but I wish it was one on one... To this day, sometimes when something reminds me of that person I get depressed, so that later when I'm alone I will cry because of how I wish things had been different; I would give all my worldly possessions to hear the person say that they forgive me. If the person ever reads this, one of my biggest hopes in the world, which I keep only inside myself (until now, I suppose), is that the person would remain true to God and love Jesus. I pray for them often, that God will protect their heart and keep them in the fold for salvation.
I almost want to never blog again, in hopes that if the person ever comes here they will see this post.
This post may seem like it does exactly the thing that I failed to do before, making me still a selfish jerk and a hypocrite, but I mean only what I said. I wish we were still friends.
...Chowon is lovely, and I'm happy to be married to her; I wouldn't change my life with her under any circumstances.
Other news, Photobucket recently decided that I have to pay monthly to continue embedding that water candle image at the bottom of my blog. I've switched to imgur for the pic. Also, I'm planning to go find the HTML corpse of Fido and replace it with a visitor map.
"You don't know who the red king is."
No comments:
Post a Comment