Finding that photo yesterday hit me like a lightning bolt. I've encountered stuff that reminded me of that person in the past, but it never hit me as hard as it did yesterday. I had some crazy nightmares last night, and I was nervous to the point of feeling sick for most of the day today. I don't know why it hit me so hard, and I hope I don't experience that again. Everything I wrote in the blog was true, though...

I feel much better this evening. I had a long and difficult day at work, and some spicy food with beer for dinner. I'm feeling ok. And, being relieved of my sort-of misplaced and weird heartache, my heart is concerning itself this evening with desire for the touch of my wife's lips. I miss her a lot, and to miss her feels much more healthy and wholesome than to miss any other person.

That said, I think that my emotional responses to things have been gradually becoming more intense as I continue spending time here. In fact, the other night I had an intense conversation with Chowon over the phone and had a hypnagogic episode in the middle of the conversation, which is something that hasn't happened since back when me and Chowon were first learning how to argue. I was pretty tired and I guess I fell asleep while we were on the phone, but due to the nature of the thing I immediately woke up and hallucinated some scary stuff for a few minutes. Triggers for that are stress and lack of sleep; I'm getting a solid 5 to 8 hours per night here, so I tell that story as an illustration of the stress I'm feeling.

There is a certain level of stress inherent to the work I'm doing, but I don't think that the work is the primary cause. It's not because of my boss either -- he's a good boss. It's not because of the atmosphere at the job either; everyone says they're working at a breakneck pace to get things done quickly, but it seems to me that the more "hurried" they get, the more they become disorganized, and the more they have to redo work, and the more they miss deadlines. The way I see it, everyone is better off recognizing their natural limits and just doing their honest best to get the job done well and quickly. That is to say I'm not too stressed by the pace, because I'm not capable of working any faster than my best, and I always do my best, because my work is dedicated to my master, my God, who I love. All those things are fine. I think the main reason I'm stressed is just because of the hours. I'm an introvert, and I recharge by being alone. I really don't know how to handle this kind of constant interaction with large groups of people who want things from me. And being alone isn't enough, but when I'm at home I'll sometimes spend as much as 30 minutes just preparing to chill out and release stress -- doing things like brewing tea, cleaning the living room, getting a book to read or write in (and/or some colored pencils for doodling), opening the window to let in some fresh air, maybe playing some music, etc, to make the environment great, getting blankets to snuggle with Chowon. I can't do that here just because I only have a few minutes between the time I get home and the time I go to bed, and typically all of those minutes are spent on the phone talking with Chowon about plans that stress us out even more (and then I postpone bed for a few more minutes to blog).

Anyway, I'm still very concerned about my old friend. I spent much of my spare time today praying for that person, that God would give them health and peace and salvation.... but maybe I'll forget again... and maybe we'll meet again someday... God only knows.

"Can you have that running in auto by tomorrow?"