Chowon should get back sometime this week. She hasn't turned her phone back on yet. I'm not sure of the exact date when she gets back. Could be in a couple days ....

Today I attended a church service where the pastor preached on "believing for" things. He basically said that if you "believe" completely that God is gonna do something, then God will do it. I don't think I like that kind of theology. It takes the power out of God's hands and puts us in The Matrix. If I pray for something and God says "no" it's not because I didn't believe hard enough.

In Mark 9, Jesus cast out a demon which the disciples couldn't cast out. They definitely believed 100% that they would be able to because they had been doing it all day. Jesus told them "this kind can come out only by prayer and fasting". The disciples had lots of belief, but they still couldn't get what they wanted.

There's no formula for getting what you want from God all the time. Prayer with belief doesn't guarantee a yes or even a clear answer at all. Sometimes you just have to keep asking until you get it, like the woman in Matthew 15 who had to ask several times before her daughter was cured. I imagine, sometimes if you are asking for something God doesn't want to give, you may ask over and over forever and not get it: like me and 500 trillion dollars.

However, James 1 tells us that we shouldn't pray if we have doubt, because we won't get it. If that is the case, is it the same as doubt if we wonder: "will God say yes or no?" or "what if God says no?" or "God might say no, so I should prepare for that."?  No.

Asking yourself those questions isn't doubt. The belief we should have is that if God wills something, then it will be done exactly as God wills it.

Like the guy in Matthew 8, who says "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean". God was willing even though the man gave him a choice, and Jesus cleared up his leprosy.  Also, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, before they were thrown into the fire, said "... [God] will deliver us from your Majesty's hand, but even if He doesn't ...". They left room for God to have his will even if it wasn't theirs. They believed that God **could** save them and they believed that God would make the best decision even if it wasn't what they wanted. God saved them even though they might not have believed 100% that he was going to, because they believed that God could do it and that God loved them and cares for his servants and for the greatest good.

All that to say that if God doesn't answer your prayer, it's not necessarily because you didn't believe hard enough. Also, even if you believe 100%, it doesn't mean that you are going to get your way all the time.

We should let God know our prayers, but we should also tell God that his will should be done above ours.

"I listen to our blood run side by side."

I've all but finished the song tonight. In the end I wasn't able to include Beginner's Falafel or the Jenova Theme song (idk if Jenova Theme was in my list earlier, but it was in the works....). Also I included a couple extra quotes from Advent Children -- the same scene. They were "I've thought of a wonderful gift for you." and "I pity you. You just don't get it at all". There's just one transition I can't seem to get right, and I had to slow down Southern Cross to *nearly* unacceptable levels. Too slow and it wouldn't do that piano part justice at all. At this time, the song is about 152 seconds long.

The lawyer wants 850$ up front for expunction. Accusations are so expensive... I need to be sure that I will be able to get this money and still have enough... oh money.....

So matter is as of yet unproveable... right? Then what does that make us? Ambiguity hurtling through nothingness.

Oddly satisfying to think of it that way.

I was thinking earlier... I've covered in my blog: what's worth living for? what's worth dying for? what's the meaning of life? what's wrong with the church, and how can we justify going to church (can we look past the hate in some churches to find the good in Christianity)? what does it mean to love someone, and when is it ok to say so? can I know myself? and some other topics. What I haven't covered (or decided on), but would like to think through at some point is: What can be practically done to fix the church? What is worth working hard on? and Who is it ok to give everything to (besides... God...)?

I won't allow myself to spend the time on those tonight... maybe when I have more time and nothing to wake up for. I've been awfully tired the past few weeks, even though I've had good food and good rest for the most part.

Chowon comes back in a week. I'm excited, but I really want to do something special. I just can't think of anything.... ...Oh I have an idea :) I hope I will find the time for it and not screw it up. ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Been working on a couple projects these days. I'm trying to figure out C# with as little copy/pasting from other people as possible. If I make any progress at all on this game, then I will feel good about putting C# on my resume. (and hopefully my idea might catch on and become a more widely used genre^^)

Listening to this song right now

I like it much better than the We Came As Romans cover, although I don't really like the "woowowooo blecccck" screaming at 1:22.

Working on a mashup, too. This one is much better than all my previous mashups so far. Maybe good enough to show friends even. I'm not using Audacity as much this time, and I've finally figured out tuning and stretching haha. Here's the song list: (*songs not yet mashed in)

Song -- Band
Askew -- Solcofn
Painful Epic -- Le Jad
Japanese Hardcore -- DJ technorch (second half)
Rise of the Virals -- WFAH
Theme from Tron 105 --Carl Walters
Queen of Sorrow -- Renard
Exrhathmica -- Renard
Cherry Bon Bon Remix -- idk who made this one. Original song by Kyarypamyupamyu
Way Way Mega Mix -- Kyarypamyupamyu (just the midi part in the middle)
The Clockmaker -- Vexare*
Southern Cross -- 403 forbiddena*
In This Shirt -- Royksopp*
Jenova Theme -- FFVII*
Beginner's Falafel -- flying lotus* (actually probably will not include this one at all.... not sure where to fit it yet)
I might also put in a sound clip of Sephiroth saying "Shall I give you despair?". I have a good spot in mind for it. I'm also thinking about including a snip from the above, My Love by Camisado -- but just the "SO DON'T GIVE AWAY my love!" part or the "if I wrote you a symphony" part.
Most of them have snips and snaps from different parts of the song mixed around the whole piece.

Mom and dad told think it's unwise to buy Chowon's plane ticket. "What if she dumps you?" They said... Well, first of all, I said I would buy it so I will. There are no two ways about that unless God Himself stops me, and  doing so is a prerogative of His. Second, so what if she does? I know for a fact that if I weren't saving money for this ticket I already would have wasted it elsewhere. Since I am frugal, anyone else has it in their heads that they have a right to tell me what I should spend my savings on. No. They don't. I will save for what I will save, and when I don't save they will not even notice me. When I choose to spend my money unwisely, I will spend it unwisely. At any rate, given the circumstances I will get Chowon's input and prayerfully make a decision as to how soon I'm gonna buy this ticket.

"Lets go tomorrow."

I'm losing my mind. I feel like there's no place in Texas where I can go be alone without wondering if someone's gonna walk in and ruin my solace. When I go to Spear, people often take 2 steps in and then walk out. Even if I go to the piano practice rooms and pick the worst piano, people are always walking by looking in the window. I need an island and an mp3 player.... and probably some vittles and a boat.

Sometimes I make a fool of myself, and I can brush it off. Sometimes it's more complicated than that. What just happened? Was I wrong? Was I right? What is ok for me? What are the rules.... do we really write them as we go?


"You said a long time ago..."

Getting to bed on time is like wanting to listen to your favorite song, but not knowing what song that is -- and even if you could guess what you're in the mood for exactly, you don't have access to music at the moment -- and even if you did have access to all the music you wanted and knew what song it was, it's bedtime and your headphones are too bulky for sleeping.

I feel like a person who lives about a half-mile from a fishing hole, and fell in the water on a winter day, and now has to walk home soaking wet with ice forming on my hair, chin, nose, and ears.

Sometimes I wish I had superpowers, but I have to be careful not to daydream and then pretend to have them or everyone would see me and think I'm a lunatic.

I want to feel like the conductor, who shapes into the air with his arms a whirlwind of sound. The conductor feels every rhythm loudly in his chest, and with each powerful gesture he raises and lowers elements of it. He fine-tunes the symphony into an incredible masterpiece of sound and exposition. With his body, he changes music into emotion.

I have thought about lots of things and distracted myself with lots of inanities these past few weeks... but a part of my mind has not even once stopped thinking about Chowon. That is, sometimes I wonder if she has been off my mind at all, but I really think she hasn't. Sometimes when nothing is going on I catch myself replaying her voice in my mind. I'm glad I can remember it so clearly... I miss Chowon a lot.

Sometimes when something is important, even though you want to remember it, you forget it really quickly. Like the color of someone's eyes, or the shape of their face, or the sound of their voice. Right now, I don't really remember if my mom's eyes are blue or brown... facebook... They're blue, just like everyone in my family.

Oh well.

Goodnight.

"This is how I show my love."