Really caught up by this song. (maybe just because I like the melody...)

Also learning to embed videos. :D

It's so surreal dealing with these kinds of things. I have to admit, no matter how much I'm trying to be cool about it, the situation makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't know how to act, because my justification for thinking the way I have is crumbling, and I can't stay mad like I want to. Someday I'll look back at this situation and laugh at myself. I know it's kindof melodramatic to think this way, but it's weird how a misunderstanding can destroy a worldview like that...

Surrelity is the spice of life.

I had a calendar accident, but to the best of my memory, Chowon returns on the 27th, which began one hour ago in Korea. I am sending a text message banking on that, but I hope I don't make a fool of my self. The conversation I had with Lani makes me want to step up my pursuit of Chowon. I already talk to her a lot on Skype, on the phone, on Facebook, etc.. Maybe I'll send some flowers or something soon.

"Cold hands... cold lips.... no eyes to search"

Man... this weekend I've seen all of them... and they're all the same now... What a frightening thought.

So a while ago I talked to Lani, and now I'm planning to go to Alabama during my road trip so I can have that final conversation with her before I erase everything about her. I told her I'd be deleting all her contact info and stuff. I wonder what I'll say. She said she wanted to talk, and I wonder what she intends to talk about. She said "nothing awkward"... what could we possibly have to talk about that wouldn't be uncomfortable?

초won returns in 3 days^^ ..I need to shave sometime soon -- before Cho원 and I Skype again. I'm super scruffy right now.

Tomorrow I have buttloads and buttloads of homework, and Tuesday I have a quiz, but Wednesday is all conceptual.

It's kinda late so I'm gonna snig a snack and then go to bed.

"Its basically a love song."

I'm at a beech resort right now, taking some internet time to keep up-to-date with my studying and make sure no "important" things have been sent to me on Facebook.

So this is a great mashup of many songs I like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTx3G6h2xyA

Best part is: it's a live mashup, which just makes it twice as cool.

---------------------------------------

HDJRII and his videos, though cheesy sometimes, generally present a very solid and uplifting Christianity. Here's a recent video where his Dad tells it like it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nX_xP0GpYrU

HDJR2 is a great guy. I've known him for some time now. God bless him.

---------------------------------------

And this website confuses and infuriates me:

www.whiterabbitradio.net

It doesn't even deserve link status. It's too rediculous. The guy who made it seems to think whites are subject to some kind of undercover genocide and is too afraid to say it outright, but posts a bunch of "anti-pink-rabbit" cartoons and practically neo-nazi videos about keeping "third-world-people" out of white countries, full of phrases like "everybody says" and "everybody knows" about a "race problem". The sad thing is, I think that if I argued with him about it, I would lose, because he wastes too much time learning for the site -- and my only grounds for debate are fundamental truths and common sense (both of which he has apparently discarded). Like it says in Proverbs 26:5: don't argue with idiots. I came across this looking for a mashup called "follow the white rabbit". Still haven't found it. I don't know the artist. Oh well.

"We come undone"

Downloaded the Jesus Movie and some animes someone recommended.

I'll be making cds for Dan tomorrow. Also homework. Trip to Outer Banks this Sat (mad exciting)

Finished Fallout:NV as a good guy; now playing the dark side.

Chowon's in Cambodia. She couldn't bring her phone or anything because the people she'll be with might take it or something -- not that I imagine her getting signal in that specific area anyway. Maybe my attitude is too saturated by convenience. Heck.. I don't have a clue what the place she'll be in is like.

Sometimes I think that if I had more to worry about I'd have less to worry about. This might make me sound kinda dumb.... I mean... if I were in a tougher spot, like if I were poor, I would be more worried about surviving, right? I wouldn't have time to waste on thoughts like "why the hell is that on the news?" (I mean, every story about someone being raped or murdered by their parent in America just makes me hate everything. Not only because it makes me feel like America is full of rapists and murderers, but also because this is on TV for our **entertainment**. As we grow, do we slowly desensitize ourselves until we resort to displaying and watching horrific incidents on TV to get our emotional highs? And somehow, people are convinced that attending post-mutilation press conferences will do more than help a few people get their willies a hundred miles away. The worst part? When I'm bored and there's nothing else on, I watch the news, too.) ....... but I digress. The point here was that if I were more focused on my basic needs I wouldn't be horrified and disgusted by humanity. But really.... I don't have the option of becoming self-reliant in a good way yet. It costs a lot of money to get off the grid, and I'm not a good enough hunter or farmer to make it work anyway. Becoming homeless is not an option. I realize it could happen to anyone, but I suppose that were I homeless I'd also be exposed to violence first-hand, and not be safe behind my TV.

"all my life

there you go

oh please stay

just this once

anyway"

Tomorrow is the exam. My sleep cycles may never regulate. I just finished studying for it, a good non-stop 4 hours of focus, on top of another 2 or 3 this afternoon. I think I'm set. Tonight, I plan to sleep well. Tomorrow I will wake early, drink coffee, maybe grab a small cappuccino on the road to drink right before the exam starts.

Just downloaded Long Live by The Chariot. It's pretty freaking amazing. Might fall asleep to it tonight.....

"'This world,' he cries, 'is not my place.'"

I got this picture from Chowon that I had forgotten. It's really great, but she says she wanted to photoshop it. I told her to send it to me anyway and then photoshop it and send it again lol. I wonder what she'll do with it... I am too eager, maybe I should have let her photoshop it before she sent it to me. In a few weeks, we'll add them to our facebooks at the same time. -- after she gets back from Cambodia.

I kinda want to give Tyler "Wayman" Wyman a call, but it's too late.

There's a feeling of belonging lost in the world. You like a movie because you identify with it somehow. That is always the reason. Everyone identifies with the story about the person who feels like he or she doesn't belong, but the undeniability of our surroundings carves into us the opposite perspective. We belong here because there is no other possible explanation. Clearly, however, this is not the case; I suppose we don't belong here because there is an explanation.

Take also, for example, the need we all have to be under something greater than ourselves. We can't function without a government or governing power. One might say he is better than the drug lords who rape and murder each day. But don't they live with no power to govern them? Is one incapable of performing an atrocity? What would we be like if not for the police to guide us? I slow down whenever a cop is behind me, but if there were none I'd go at whatever speed I liked, and if there were no governing power in my life I'd follow that trend and slowly degrade to something less than honorable.

But how can we be governed by people who also have a need to be governed? Even our American "system of checks and balances" is becoming unanimously corrupt. People who realize the insufficiency of "need governed by the needy" erect golden idols with elaborate histories to worship. If you focus long enough and drive out your presuppositions; if you acknowledge that you have not known any firm grounding for the idea that "you belong here", (and "because my mother/father/significant-other loves me" doesn't count,) you arrive at an uncomfortable feeling of lostness. Where can you go from here? ... but don't think too hard about it, it will only ruin your day. No. Fill your day with television. The less you think, the better. No, even better, fill your mind with things that make you feel like you fulfill your obligation to society. Why should you help the starving people in [X 3rd world country]? "Because they are people, and nobody deserves pain". WHY!!!?? What is society anyway, but elaborate systems of distraction stacked on distraction; built around minimizing or ignoring that need. There is an overarching answer to everyone's purpose here, and obvious as it is, even now you can sit there and deny it.

"They will not be persuaded even if someone rises from the dead"

It's coming to the point where I feel like each day only brings me closer to leaving here. It's been such a good summer, and I wish I could do this always, but I am afraid I will never have another summer like this one. I wish I could express with words how happy it's made me that Dan and I and Jess were together, and also that Chowon said "yes" and that God has been with me.

Tomorrow I have a quiz and then on Monday and Tuesday I have exam 2 of 3. I'm pretty nervous about it.

I got my package from Chowon, and it was really touching to read her letter, which she wrote before I asked, and to realize that the meaning of those words was mutually agreed.

I have a feeling that tomorrow will be unique.

"Don't tell the future I asked about it."

Man, I can't seem to get my act together. Talking to Chowon still makes me lose my wit sometimes.

Got the new CD from Hillsong. It's probably the first overtly worshipful album I've ever listened to for leisure (not counting Jars of Clay, because it didn't sound like hymns). I kinda like the sound of some of the songs, but others tend to maintain the cheesiness of mainstream Christian music.

Sky is over there sleeping on my bed. She just got treated for fleas, and I'm thinking she's probably clean.. and besides, she looks too cute when she's asleep for me to push her off just yet.

There's already a "decent quality" camrip of the new Transformers movie on tpb with over 8000 seeders. Chowon wanted to watch a movie with me and that's what we decided on^^

Zac Nanfelt sent me a message saying "you wanna go to Korea for spring break?" several days ago and hasn't responded to me since.

I could stare at bubble chamber graphs for hours...

I'm really tired. I should go to bed.

I can't think of the right words for tonight.

So today was pretty chill. I mulched with Jon for about 4 hours, ate some no-lunch, and got WWF Warzone working for my PS1 emulator XD XD XD and I got some nifty file-type tools for my browser and then some company came over and we chillaxed and played Monopoly Cities X) which is like the best monopoly. Then codbo for an hour and then my tiny lesson for calciii, and now blog. Calc III was so wonderfully easy today that I feel like blogging it. We did constrained partial derivatives, which are basically normal derivatives but with stacked functions and tricky function names. Tomorrow will be much more difficult.

However, tomorrow is Day-1 of "Fixing Zac's Car"!!! Which is great! Because I'm totally psyched about getting this car out to Texas -- so I can take my 귀여미 out to dinner off campus when she gets there^^**** This morning I had to leave rather abruptly and didn't introduce her to John properly. I will have to get used to this again. The mistake won't be made again.

God's been blessing me lately. I want to give him the credit and bless him in return somehow, but I'm not sure where my best opportunity is. Pray that God gives me an opportunity and some courage and strength to do something nice for him or for someone around me which will in-turn be something nice for God.

"It's just a shimmy and a shake"

"Hey I found the safest place to keep all our tenderness;

keep all our bad ideas; keep all our hope.

It's here in the smallest bones, the feet and the inner-ear.

It's such an enormous thing to walk and to listen."

Today was really great! I feel like I'm breathing new, fresh air and the world is in a very good place for me. I have Gwen for an unlimited supply of hugs whenever I want them, and I have that car to go look at as soon as I give Doug Lamb a call (I intend to do that tomorrow), and I have finally brought romanticism to reality, (maintainable by my last drop of strength). There are stresses, yeah, but they are so overshadowed by the good in my life right now. I even had a white-chocolate raspberry latte today (yeah.... it sounds kinda gay... but it was really friggin good.) God's been blessing me a lot.

However, I haven't lost sight of that pendulum (oooeeeeoooo~~~~), and I wonder if it is a trend which can be broken... or does everything have to have a rhythm? I truly believe that sadness foreshadows growth and happiness (in a general sense, not necessarily an individual sense; as cold as that may seem if you think too hard about it), but can I believe that without believing the opposite? If I choose to stop believing something will I lose sight of it and forget it's existence or not notice it again?

Preposterous.

"A world that was disorderly and littered and loud and smelly and small..."

Got the answer. It was what I wanted, but not necessarily the way I wanted it. It will be an exercise in one of the most important aspects of life and subject matter. I feel like I should have responded differently, but my response wasn't negative, just worth improving. Things will turn out great, I'm sure^^*

"So helpless, so help you."

Right now waiting for a response. I know it sounds cheesy, but this is one of those moments that has potential to change the next month, year, 2 years, or the rest of my life. It's stretches me to think of it that way. I had to get it today instead of yesterday, and it hasn't left my mind for a second of the last 20 hours. I got an hour nap earlier, and I think that it, with this music, will hold me over indefinitely until the response arrives.

Other than that, today went well. ... oh crap, I need to call my parents and tell them not to buy my ticket.. just a sec. ... now i've gotta use the bathroom. brb.... ok, i'm back. Didn't miss anything. ... music back on, emails checked, it's been about an hour, and it's almost the normal time. I think I'll pass the time by copying another chapter. I'll get back to you on it. when it happens.

...............

Oh well. I have to wait another 24 hours-ish.

"Your suspicion was justified, but not merited."

Today was a great day^^ I went golfing, I went to a picnic, and God gave me a car through my brother's uncle-in-law(?) FOR FREE!!!! X) X) X)

But it has some problems, and I'll probably end up pushing about $500 into it (minimum) before I'm content with it. Also, it has to make it to Texas for me. Right now it's in the shop where they'll tell me exactly how bad it is, and whether it will even pass inspection for me. I need to pressure-wash the acid off the battery, replace the power-steering pump, and replace one of the brake disks (or something like that, I really don't know about cars). Also, it leaks oil, which is a blessing in disguise. It is a slow leak, and it's not going to get faster anytime soon (says the expert?) so basically I interpret that to mean I just have to keep extra oil around, and about the time it'd normally be a good idea for me to change the oil, I don't need to do all the work, I just funnel new oil in lol. (I really don't know if it is that simple.....)

Waiting for Chowon right now. I'll post the rest of this after I talk to her if I remember. Maybe I'll end up coming back tomorrow. She should be on in about 10 mins.

"hearing your voice, fall into your eyes"

Today was pretty good. Didn't really do anything, then went to the Jigger Shop for some ice-cream. (Yeah, I realize what's wrong with the name "Jigger Shop". It's a real place.) Tomorrow, though, I'm waking up at 5-ish for golf with Dan's father-in-law. He told them I used to be on the golf team, and I hope I don't disappoint.

I'm thinkin I'm just gonna have to throw some stuff away when I go back to Texas. I hope it won't be trouble sending computer back. Last time it was only like 25 bucks or something -- much cheaper than I thought it'd be.

I'm gonna have to text Chowon about it tomorrow, but it's our last regular meeting time before her trip to Cambodia. I hope we get to talk. I might put myself out there a little. God's will be done.

I've prayed a lot for her safety, strength, courage and faith on this trip to Cambodia. I have confidence that she will work hard and bring glory to God wherever she goes, especially during this mission trip. I think she'll be teaching English and translating for missionaries while she is there.

Listening to this song right now. I know it's got a nerdy sound, but the song is totally awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHKUDEhsVFY

I should go to bed.

"If you want to use monkeys, you have to throw monkeys."