I got an internship!!~~~~

It's with Vertech in Arizona. They're like a mid-sized company, but I can see how they'd become a big company if they manage to hit the right mark in their field or make some kind of breakthrough. They've got a good business -- PLCs. I'm not totally clear if they develop and build their own PLC hardware, or buy PLCs from others and put them to use. Either way is good, though. I'm really excited to be working with them. I hope I can help their company somehow while I'm there... as in, leave it better than I found it. Although, I can't imagine there's much impact for me to make as an intern. I'll keep my eyes open. Who knows?

...

As I write this, I'm doing some last minute Shakespeare studying. The final is in 2 hours (ish).

...

Well... I s'pose it's time to go get lunch before the test.

"Too much fire in your belly."

Last night I had a really long dream:

At the start, I was with my friends from high school and freshman year of college. We were in some sort of pretend battle with another group of our peers, and a friend of mine and I got captured by the enemy. They sat us down and told us not to leave, but while they slept I found a way to escape. I told my friend to come with me, but he was too slow to decide, so I left. I made it out, and just barely didn't get caught. My captors called after me, "We made it easy this time, but next time you won't escape."

While I was running, I fought a large boar and killed it and brought its carcass with me. Upon returning to my friends, I had been transformed into some kind of creature; like a mix between a turtle, a pig, and a bird. I sat down with my friends, and one of them was talking to his girlfriend, saying "I love you, but I'm special. See, Zac wouldn't love you because you're fat." or something like that. I wanted to tell her it wasn't true, but all that came out was, "No way! See, I brought you this boar." and she didn't get it.

Then, my dad and brother came into the room, and took me away to a place that felt a lot like home. After some brief visiting, my dad left to get my sister. My brother looked at me and said, "Zac, you're not yourself. What's wrong?" And I opened up to him about everything I feel. My brother took a bunch of sharpies, and took off his shirt, and drew these awesome drawings all over his upper body. While he drew, he explained to me the meaning of each one and how it had to do with wisdom and my life. While he was explaining, I became a person again.

Then, my dad came back and took me and my brother and sister out to town. While we were out, my sister's purse got stolen, and we caught the guy who did it, but he didn't have her purse. We got him to tell us where it was, and we went there ready for war. I guess it was like some sort of gang hangout. We brought all sorts of guns and suited up to defend ourselves against anything. There were two rooms in the building, and I stayed behind in the first, to watch people there and make sure they don't do anything that would jeopardize our mission.  While there, I realized that none of my guns were actually loaded. My brother and father came back out of the room within a short time and said, "We forgot ammo. We're in a den of lions." But we just walked out without the bag. Outside the building, Dan and I made for home, but dad went another way.

That's it. I wanted to get it out before I forgot it.

So these days I'm thinking about my level of control in the situation with my parents. I feel like it's almost dangerous to articulate my sphere of influence, because I don't want to give myself too much credit or I run the risk of hurting myself -- and I don't want to give myself too little credit, or I might... idk... have self esteem problems or something. I really don't control any of it... except (here it comes...) myself, and my own response. I am only in control of myself, and my ability to respond lovingly (even if it means to respond in loving reproof) to my family no matter what.

A friend recommended to me that I discuss this here. xP

I was thinking... the most important thing... is that me and my siblings stay friendly. We've got a lot of good memories together. I think it's a slim chance that anything will happen to our relationships, and there's little I can do if something does happen, but I'm confident in us.

These days I have a sentence on the tip of my tongue all the time. Something like "I feel..." or "I dreamt..." or "I love..." but I never seem to finish the sentence. I think I need to keep closer touch with my Creator. Last time this happened I remedied it with Bible studies, and I haven't been in a week or two.

The world is a difficult place sometimes. I guess it's never quite difficult enough.

Some kids came to our school from Uganda to worship with us at chapel. They were so humble, and so ecstatic to shake hands with all of us. One of them told us "You have so many boxes. I just have one box, and everything I own is in it." Talking about a footlocker back at his orphanage. They were so thankful to God, and they said that back home they spend hours every day singing and dancing and praising God, who their orphanage owners have given credit for their new home. I feel like those kids are much stronger Christians than I am. They have so much faith, and so much to be thankful for, and they are grateful to God for things that I sometimes waste or even complain about. I can only imagine (and even hope) that their blessings will be 100 times mine in heaven. I was deeply honored, moved, and humbled by their presence and the fact that they just wanted to worship with us. They looked up to me, not realizing how much greater than me they are. What a blessing.

"You trust your parallel port now, but someday you'll come crawling back to USB."

Yesterday I was looking through some old music and I found Matisyahu. Jess first introduced me to this music in the car with some of her friends. I remember so well, being young and thinking about how awesome her friends were. Jess said, "I don't like any Jamaican sounding rap, unless it's Matisyahu." I was only in the car for a little while, and I rarely, if ever, listened to this music again... but the songs on his album "Shake off the dust... Arise" are each still familiar. Funny how our memory does that.

Today I have a lot more work than I anticipated. I haven't done much work on my Microcomputers project this week. I am going to have to start it up again full swing tomorrow.

No matter what I do, everything fails to satisfy me except time with God.  I can do anything at all and feel empty, except spending time with God... God, teach me the right way. Lead me on the path of righteousness; move me always toward you and let me not be led astray.

I'm so scared about this microcomputer design project. I don't know if I can do it in time without sacrificing my good grades on some of my other projects.

Hmmm... back to work.

"I see better days and I do better things. I catch dinosaurs... Make love to Elizabeth Taylor... Catch hell from Richard Burton."

Dear Lord, please give me focus, strength of mind, insight into the workings of all my projects, a quickness to spot flaws in my designs and skill to repair them. Father, bless my days and make them full with productivity, such that I can meet my calling head-on and be prepared to support my love well.

"I'm walking down the highway with my suitcase in my hand. Lord, I really miss my baby; she's in some foreign land."

Today I learned a little bit.

There was a girl who was talking about her past relationships; she said that she had a bad breakup, so she got back at her boyfriend by quickly finding another guy who liked her and going out with him and telling her ex about it. She said "it worked" and "he almost got back together with [her]" and she doesn't feel guilty at all.

I don't know how to feel about it. First of all, I don't think I would ever get back together with a girl who did that to me. ... That kind of thing... I feel like that kind of behavior is so ... I guess the only good way to put it is "beneath me". But the reason it startles me, is that this girl is someone who I know, and who is definitely not beneath me. No, honestly, I consider that kind of emotional gameplay to be completely detestable.

I was initially torn between trying to sympathize with her or justify the behavior, and being disgusted by her. That's when I realized two things:
1. I am super judgmental, and I need to cool it or I'm gonna become a douche or a snob. If someone does something I don't like, I need to remember that we are equals, and that I've also done plenty of things I don't like.
2. It's a similar situation with my dad. I don't like what he did, and I consider it to be detestable, but I don't have to choose between respecting him 100% or 0%. I can 100% respect the good things that he's done, and I can 0% respect the bad, all the while 100% honoring and loving him.

Dad is my father, and he is a part of my family, which gives him a deeply rooted emotional bond to each of us in the family. We are each ethereally responsible for his actions, by a connection for which there is no metric -- an idea that people just know because it's unanimous. Like love: we have a word for it, but we don't really know what it is. Dad is (still) the mighty patriarch of my family, and for the first 18 years of the lives of all his children, we bent to his will.

Dad is all that, but he is also a person. He is my equal as a sinner, and we are failures together, held together by God just like the rest of mankind. If we can't accept our status as imperfect or incapable, we will never be able to move forward and have peace at the same time. We can take this thorn in our sides -- bad decisions are like a single stake on which we are all impaled together -- and use it to bring us closer together in a new way. Nobody said it would be easy to live with, but it doesn't have to kill us.

Just remember, God loves us. Jesus sees all this flash before his eyes in an instant and then says "God, forgive them, because they don't know what they are doing." This is just more dirt that we need to shower off.

"You are so precious to me!"

Today is like a song that never ends.

Whenever I think about it, my mind turns into a cloud and I can't focus too hard on it. I'm stuck, like there's this emotion I'm supposed to be feeling, but I don't know what it is and I can't feel it until I figure it out. It makes me wonder about the rest of my emotions. I laughed with my friends today, but even then I had this in the back of my head. Does that mean that my happiness was fake?
...
No, probably not. That kind of happiness is like an ice cube. It helps, but after a while it melts.

Between Thursday night and Sunday night I had a really hard time talking to God.

Today was better. The prayer meeting was really good for me.

I am really addicted to this song right now.

The intro is a little annoying, but the rest of the song is cool. I think I might learn it next.
...Idk though. Sonata Pathetic is gonna take me a while.

Right now I feel like an angel-food-cake that's been sitting out: poofy and empty, but also thick and ...wait...no... I'm just hungry and tired.

"The salt in my pillow gave God praise in my absence."