Today is Sunday, and I don't want to go to church.

First of all, I'm in the prayer group, and a guy there asked me to be his best man, and I told him I would do it, then I was totally inflexible for a while, and then I told him I couldn't do it anymore. He still has 5 months before the wedding, so I expect he'll have no trouble finding someone else, but I feel like a total jerk for the way it played out. He has every right to be mad at me, but he's only blessed me, and I've got coals on my head. I wish we could get together and spar out the awkwardness, but really I just need to get over myself.

Also, ever since we got married, Chowon and I have had discussions about going to a more "international" church. In short, I wish I could change things in that way.... but I've been postponing the inevitable leave.

In some way, I think could say, "I wish I knew a way out of this church", because I do want to leave and go somewhere where I can find down-to-earth friends who practice their Christianity simply, and where the whole church body gathers more often to put more emphasis on prayer and song... But there are two major things keeping me here:

First, because I've never been to a church like this, where they have shown me how to love reading 4-volume textbooks on theology written by ancient nerds; where my pastor boasts that he has a library of antichrisian literature that would make Dawkins jealous, and encourages us to read and discuss the same so that we can find our beliefs to be true and always be prepared with an answer; where I am shown clear and direct applications of broad and basic Biblical teachings to modern politic. I am worried that if we go anywhere else, then I'll end up at a church just like the one I grew up in: my dad's church, where the 3-point sermons intentionally avoided any text or doctrine which might be controversial. It's not a bad model necessarily, but it's not a good one either, because it leaves everyone in the church (including the pastor apparently) vulnerable to any gust of unknown teaching. I'm still learning about those verses that are controversial and why, and I'm not finished making my own opinions. I don't feel ready to leave this environment.

Secondly, even though the people here are weird, and the ones I get along with are impossible to have a less-than-10-minute-conversation with, because they won't stop talking... the fact is I care about those people and they care about me. That said, if I suddenly leave without good reason, then I run the risk of hurting people I care about. Leaving a home-church without physically moving to a new town is something people typically do after a conflict, or when they find they have irreconcilable disagreements with a non-adiaphoral teaching of the leadership and those teachings are not being called into question by the diaconate or other accountability structure in place. None of those are true, and so if I leave without moving to another state, then I will be asked "why" by my friends, and the only reason left is "because of the people". That translates in my mind to, "I am unwilling to confront my neighbors about something they are doing which I dislike enough to leave". But the thing we would be confronting them about is not something they are responsible for, and it isn't even the case that we don't like them. It is just their own lack of diversity. I feel like I should have a better answer for them.

Last thing, a followup on my previous blog:

Two of the conversants never responded. The third told me "You're wrong about Romans 9. Romans 9 needs to be interpreted carefully in its context. It's about our inherent sin nature" (that's a quote. No references from the text were given.). To which I responded, "please be more specific. Don't just tell me broadly what it is about, but show me that it means what you say by utilizing the meanings of the words in the text. For example, what does 'For who can resist his will' have to do with our inherent sin? And why does Paul anticipate that question after what he said about Pharaoh in the preceding passage?" That was on Tuesday, and no response, so I think the conversation is done.

"You can never be harmed."