Ok, so this post is intended to be a part of the series.

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Work is pretty cool. I'm nervous, because I want to do a good job, but hopefully everything goes well.

Speaking of nervous, I just got done talking with Chowon's dad on Skype. I thought I'd go to bed right after, but then I decided to blog first.

So the original question was "What's my purpose". I found that my purpose, in general, was to pursue the best interest of those things which are valuable. However, I needed to know what was valuable. Unfortunately, there are several things which are a priority to me, but which are not necessarily intrinsically valuable -- be it myself, my wallet, my God, my family, my car, etc.. This is a problem, because it means that I might be pursuing things which are contrary to my purpose. This line of thinking also assumes that I have a purpose. That assumption is not made lightly, but I believe that the existence of a purpose for me will either be confirmed or debunked  by a journey to validate my existence. If it is indeed valid and purposeful, then I will find something; but if it isn't, then I won't and I expect to find conclusive evidence that it isn't. I intend to just go until I find conclusive or at least satisfactory evidence one way or another. I didn't actually answer my original question on May 18th; but I think I implied it adequately. I'll try to be more explicit now.

Well, let's get there. Here's an exercise for my reader: Answer the question, "What has intrinsic value?", thinking in a cosmic sense. Don't say "my kids" or "my niece". Be more general. What is it about them that makes them intrinsically valuable? Try to think big -- step back, out of yourself. (you might as well start there, but wherever you start, I predict you'll end up in the same place.)

The next step is to ask yourself "Why" over and over and over. Don't accept "I can't think of an answer". If you don't have an answer for why something is valuable, then write it down, assume that it isn't valuable, and start over somewhere else. If your answers become circular, write them down and assume that nothing on the list is valuable, then start over somewhere else.

For me, I didn't actually do the exercise on paper, but I arrived at the following list approximately:
"God is valuable... because He's God"
"Chowon is valuable... because I love her... for x list of reasons... blah blah"
"I have to live... because I have to live"
"My emotions and impulses are valuable... because they're all I have"
"Life is valuable... because it's all we have. It's all we have, because we're alive"
and a few others.

You might be able to go further than these, or you might have different lists. An important thing to remember here is that this list is heavily biased by the developmental conditioning you've received from your family, religion, culture, etc. (basically, each person's childhood is effectively brainwashing no matter what happens). You have a set of values which you might not be able to see past, and realizing that is the first step to getting around them. The next, much more difficult step, is discovering and codifying those values so that you can dismantle them and arrive at the truth. That is, any value which you hold without knowing exactly why you hold it is a potential inhibitor for you -- and it keeps you from allowing your worldview to reach its fullest potential. Even if you know a certain value to be true, it is important to discard it for a time being so that you can re-arrive at it with full justification. Otherwise, you don't know why you believe what you believe, and your beliefs are subjective to your self-imposed limitations, and therefore your worldview may be based on lies, and in an extreme case your thoughts may be eternally worthless without you even knowing it.

I am personally aware of a few of my inhibitors:
Perhaps the biggest "limiting" preconception I have is my religion. I was raised in the Christian Church and I believe in God as an absolute truth. I've tried defeating this one, and I repeatedly arrive at the same conclusions. God is necessary for humans, not as a crutch but as a defining characteristic of our ability to be a productive species as we are. I discussed God's necessity in depth in a previous blog, but I can rehash it at request. God's necessity is a form of proof for His existence (that is, God created us to worship Him, and our apparent need to look up to and be a part of something greater than ourselves fits this mold). Perhaps in this journey I'll discover some inconsistencies in my worldview and remove God from the equation. Although I'm open to such a change, my experience tells me that it isn't likely to happen. (So, you can stop reading now, or you can sortof trust me when I say I'm doing my best to be unbiased, and maybe I'll arrive at a new conclusion, and we'll both be wrong).

So, after making that list, I went through the list and said for each impassible "reason", "Why is this a valid reason?". That is, "Why does it matter that X is because of Y? How does that give X or Y intrinsic value?" Now make another list, if possible. If you really can't justify something with an answer, then discard it completely; this can no longer be used to assign value to anything in future consideration because it has no foundation.

Ok, now, having an updated list with a bunch of reasons and explanations, and having crossed out all the things that you can't justify, ask yourself, "On what grounds do I trust myself and my senses enough to make these judgments?", and "Do I even exist?". Here are some examples of unacceptable answers to these questions: "Because I'm me!"; "Because my senses are all I have!"; "I think therefore I am!" [no mooching. You have to do this yourself].

Those last few questions are perhaps difficult. If you have some answer for them, ask yourself why it's valid. Then repeat the process a few times. If you're like me, you might arrive somewhere like: "nothing".

That's it for now. I'll continue later.

"To the gods of this world I say 'peace'."