Listening to this song:

These days I occasionally get the impression that someone thinks they're doing me a favor by hanging out with me.

I really don't know how to express myself on this one, so I've come to my blog. If I tell people to leave me alone, they might get offended and then never come back, which would make me lonely. If I don't, then I'm trapped by these social expectations invented and perpetuated by the "socialites" who need them, which is just another kind of loneliness. For example, today I was planning on going to church at 5pm so I could sleep in. I prepared for it and everything, and then someone sent me a text inviting me to play ultimate frisbee after church. I don't want to play ultimate frisbee, but I've been asked so many times, "is something wrong?" or "are you ok?" when I refuse those things, that it is easier for me to skip church and not respond than to handle that. If I tell them I don't want to go, then I have to come up with a way to phrase it which doesn't match any of the "antisocial" steriotypes so that they don't think I'm a project; and even if I come up with a good way to say it, then it will most likely lead them to think I'm weird. If I attend and play ultimate then I'm wasting 1-2+ hours doing something that I don't want to do, pretending to enjoy it.

I want interaction, and I'm blessed that my friends want to interact with me, and I would feel lonely if they stopped.... but I just want to be left alone during some hours of the day when I can still get stuff done before I need to hurriedly get to bed. And by "stuff done", I mean that I want to relax for a few hours and think. Human interaction occupies my mind, and often I need time to re-rail my thoughts afterwards. I can sometimes lead the conversation to a place which allows me to develop the ideas I've been stressing over... but most people can only go to a certain depth, talking about their beliefs, before their discomfort begins to show or I accidentally say something that offends them. I'm not exactly great at "leading in" to topics of conversation; if I am bored by the current topic and am aware of a more mutually beneficial one, I'll often abruptly change the subject. Otherwise, if I'm bored and am not aware of a better topic, I'll experience a strong desire to leave and be alone. Nowadays when I'm around people, I'm not sure if they are the type which doesn't like silence or not, and that makes me want to keep them most comfortable by pushing for conversation even if I don't want it, which is exhausting. Aloneness is not completely necessary, though. I've been able to make myself invisible in a crowded room before. The most desirable thing for me is to have a choice. I would like to have interaction with my friends available to me, but not forced on me.

There are a few exceptions to that rule, though. I am always eager to talk to Chowon, and most always also my family. I am always ok with talking to Gavin if I'm not busy. All my other close friends I am ok with talking to anytime, and appreciate the space they give me (I assume because they know me well enough to know I have nothing especially normal and still interesting to talk about lol). My coworkers are a unique case, and my own feelings here are helping me appreciate the social rules for workplace interaction. Everyone else, I would rather hang out with at most once a week.

"Somewhere nice"