Monday, February 27, 2012

It's been a rough weekend (to say the least).

Some of us definitely are having this worse than others.. However, I'm happy to say that most everyone has been very supportive of me through this time.

Homework looks like it's gonna be difficult this week, what with meetings and people to call and things to see and sleep to not get...

I think that there were three things which encouraged me most:

--The family banding together to help me... I feel like I don't deserve so much kindness.
--Chowon being totally awesome. She said to me that even though I might be ruined, she has already decided that I am the man she wants to be with, and she knows that I am a good man, so she will stay. I can't communicate how happy that makes me.
--The confidence of my advising acquaintance.

I don't have time to write about my curiosity during the whole ordeal, or to observe and comment on something about the human condition.... but maybe next blog, because I've had lots of time to think about it.

"Don't say that word."

Monday, February 20, 2012

So I was thinking about worldviews today. I have a theory that everything you say to anyone else is misinterpreted always. Either you misinterpret it a little or a lot, but you're always wrong about what people are saying to you. I also think that, to an extent, it's better to live life with that in mind.

In a relationship between two people coming from different walks of life, context associated with words can differ greatly. I think people should take every word from one another by its Websters' definition, and build context newly by sharing experiences.

So my grandma died recently and the people at her funeral got along. They didn't choke each other because it was a funeral, but everyone was talking behind everyone else's back. I hit a wall with trying to assume that everyone has logical motives, when not everyone does. There were some things done to Grandma that were wrong and caused division between her children. Its sad to see people that way. Dad didn't even attend the funeral, saying that it wouldn't be completely about Grandma, and he was right. The funeral attendant announced the name of the person who organized the funeral at the beginning of each event therein, as if even in the face of Grandma's death the person had to make a point -- "no one helped me". Who was right? The others said that the person "Wouldn't let us help, even though we offered." I feel like I'm missing part of the story and I want to hear each person's side so I can know where the disunity is. Among logical and moral people, problems should only come from misunderstandings... right?

I'm going to send out a shotgun email to everyone who attended the funeral and try to start conversation. In a year or so I might take the people who respond and try to orchestrate a reunion. I know there is a lot of anger between my dad's siblings, and I think that if I can make myself a mutual friend of all of them, I can work on building bridges so that nobody has to die with regret in their heart. I can't imagine dieing with a grudge against my brother or sister.

"You will not surely die."

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Today I thought about changing myself.

I like to think that I have a strong sense of honor and even duty, but not in a normal sense. I'd like to be able to think like the angel in Joshua 5. Joshua says "Are you for us or for our enemies?" and the angel replies: "Neither. I come as the commander of the army of Jehova.". The concept here is really awesome to me. The angel was there to fight for the Israelites, but his allegiance was neither here nor there. He served God only; even when he was helping others he was doing it to serve God, not them. To have that kind of one-tracked mind would be something special.

Duty to men is a useful concept, but I think the goal is to build that into something better -- that is, to elevate our duties. The traditional picture of Honor is very wrapped up in pride, too. Having honor traditionally includes taking revenge on people who dishonor you. This is also a useful concept, but it puts us out of our place. Revenge doesn't belong to us.

But then in history class we talked about Theodore Roosevelt, who had a sense of honor and duty also. However, he also had a strong understanding of the importance of symbolism -- which is something I admittedly lack. A good understanding of symbolism can lead to an exterior which seems very energetic and purposeful. A talented use of symbolism can be used to manipulate people also, and Roosevelt did that in the best way. He struck at business Trusts from the top down, establishing symbolically that the Government was above the businesses. He then supported the miners to show that support is circular. A higher tower has a strong foundation, and he elevated the U.S. government by building up it's workers. He did this carefully, too, so as to expand the governments power without expanding its expenses excessively, and without going "too far" along the Socialist agenda.

So, about changing myself... I should develop a greater sense of symbolism. For example: nice clothes and good presentations of homework symbolically show that I am intelligent, whether I may be or not -- whereas poor clothing and sloppy work might denote academic depravity.

Symbolism is valuable ONLY because people make it valuable. The above example goes against all my instincts, but it's something I should work on to "improve" myself. I still submit that the world would be a much better place if judgments such as are made from symbolism and appearance alone were removed. (and it would)

I really want to do something nice for Chowon, but I feel so limited because of the distance. I'll pray about it.

"But I don't have to wonder."

Friday, February 10, 2012

These past few days I've been really tired. I even went to bed early a couple times and then the next day I felt tired again. I'm gonna take a nap soon.

Today I wonder about the nature of fear. I kinda hate using the phrase "the nature of" because it makes me look smart and it appears to have a clear meaning even though as soon as I say it a listener is waiting for me to explain what I mean.

So it's good to have a "healthy fear" of the things around you, and it's good to fear God, but it's not good to "live in fear" or to let fear "control you". Where exactly do you draw the line between healthy fear and unhealthy fear? Also, as the man (with respect to a woman) I should act the role of a protector, right? (Trusting God, of course, because I am useless against great adversaries..) Does that mean I should live with more or less fear? and how much am I allowed to tell her about the world around us so that I make her aware without letting her be uncomfortably afraid? How can I keep her from being afraid if I am afraid myself, and how can I be prudent if I am not afraid? Where is prudence on the scale from fainthearted to reckless?

A favorite verse of mine -- God says in Genesis 15:1, "Fear not, Abraham: I am your shield and your exceedingly great reward." All through Psalms we are told "fear not" and "fear no evil".

I took Chowon out to eat once at Tbell and a group of guys came and sat behind her and started talking about some pretty awful things they had done to women. They had thick ebonic accents and Chowon couldn't understand them, but the situation made me afraid. There were many more of them than there were of me, and I wasn't gonna leave the restaurant until all of them were gone first. Chowon noticed my nerves and asked me about it later and I told her a little bit of what they said, but I wonder if I should have protected her from the fear of them by not telling her about them. The Bible seems to say that we should never fear men, but only trust God. The Bible also teaches us to be wise. So there is a line between prudence based on fear of worldly things and prudence based on fear of God... Choosing not to leave until they were out of sight was wise, I think, but my motivation was fear. What should my motivation be?

Oh well. I'll think some more about this one later. It's nap time.

"You called at the right time."

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The weekend ends like it never began, classes begin again and when they end it will be like they never happened. More homework. More to learn. My heart stands still, remembering... who God is.

I'm not the same as I was before, and I think I'll continue to change, I hope... but at the same time I don't want anymore change.

I'm afraid of a few words, and I'm afraid of a few people. Can I be brave? Can I be strong? I really don't know... I feel like if I say "I'm strong! I can handle everything!" I'm saying the right thing, and I'm saying what everyone wants me to say, but I'm lying to myself and I'm setting myself up for failure. I can handle a lot. I can handle maybe more than many people, but I am far from able to handle everything.

I thought a lot of things about myself, but the world is so much bigger every time I look at it. And so... again to re-evaluate myself. What kind of person am I?

I want to listen to some happy music. What music is happy? Is there any of that around? Is all good music inspired by grief? I don't mean hymns. I can get those by the dozen around here... Oh well.

"No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter. Sometimes that's just the most comfortable place."

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

This morning, Chowon left the school to return to Korea. I drove her to the airport at 4:45AM but still made it to all my classes.

Those last few moments before she got on the plane have been replaying in my mind all day. Each of her tears seemed to contain immeasurable hope and sincerity... as if emotions were tangible and she had overflowed. I held back in those last minutes. I wanted to hug her without letting go, but I was gonna cry, too, and I wanted to be at least a little strong until she was gone -- hoping my smile would give her some comfort on the flight.

My meeting with my mentor today didn't happen. I assume he meant to teach me a lesson. He set the meeting for 5 and never showed up. I sat down in the hall in front of his office and fell asleep there from about 4:45 to 5:45. Oh well. Next time ;)

"Don't abandon me."
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