Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I've got about 5 hours of sleep on the table if I sleep now, and I've got less if I do my homework. I really need to do my homework. Tomorrow I'm gonna have to tell 초원 that I need a nap after classes :(

Not gonna do the Linear Algebra homework. Oh well, I pretty much get it anyway, although I could use the practice.

I need to return a History book to the professor since I bought my own. History class is gonna have the worst homework. I haven't looked at it yet, so I'm gonna do that now.

"Crushed by the skylight."

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Something changed, and I can't know what it is yet. I might find out... I might not.

Being with Chowon, having her nearby and available... I almost took it for granted. It's like she's long distance again, so busy - no phone. I want her next to me. I want to hear her voice and look into her eyes. It's so much harder than I thought it would be: having her and then being apart.

Initially when she left, I almost went into a sort of emotional shock. I couldn't tell what I was feeling for like 4 days. I was so happy, and I was embarrassed or regretful, and I was so so happy, and I miss her, but I was just with her, and I am so enamored, and she was suddenly not here again. I still can't think of anything to say to her when she is here in person. I just want her to be close. We don't even have to touch each other. If she is sitting next to me, I will be happy.

Everything is going so well for me, but I want my situation to be different. I want to be where the grass is greener... on the other side. I want to be a part of a church where people love and respect God. I want to be done with all the work, and I want my family and Chowon nearby.

"This is for you."

Thursday, January 19, 2012

I can barely keep my eyes open, bracing myself against the new Coldplay album. I love it. As I said I would, I got that and the Triplets of Belleville using my iTunes GC.

I just finished all my homework, and it's 3:14 AM. I started late because I took a nap earlier today, and when I woke up I had to attend a 3-ish hour meeting with AO.

I became inactive with AO today. It means that I still can go to the house and stuff, but I don't pay dues and I'm not required to attend stuff. There are a few reasons why, but I think the house almost expected it from me.

My reasons for leaving the House.....

I'm not sure whether it's the building itself, the idea, or the traditions, or a combination of them -- but I'm going to call it the AO Shell. The people who joined AO got away from the people they were with in search of deeper relationships, a sense of belonging, and a freedom from alien rules (AO has rules, but they are AO's rules, nobody elses). The AO Shell provides protection from rejection -- nobody at AO will reject another member. They might pretend to for a while, but AO is a brotherhood and they stick together. The AO Shell also provides a pretense of value or importance -- The House has moral values hidden behind inane mock traditions. The Bible verses, relevant or not, have the power to give value to the rest of the insanity therein. Some people assign value to the traditions by merit of their being traditions... Having taken Discrete Math, I can't do that.

While singing in Chapel these past few weeks, I've realized that everyone singing and standing is participating in a greater tradition -- one with perfect and unchallengeable value. The people who sing, even those who sing poorly, are a unit. They are jointly preparing for battle and they are saying to God, "We're here and we're for You. Take this time to train and prepare us for the troubled times ahead." When I leave the place of worship I am deafened by the din of battle. I am blinded by temptation and my walls are torn apart and rebuilt daily. I am killed and reborn regularly.

AO doesn't own me. This school doesn't own me. America doesn't own me. These organizations were created by Man to fill a need that either doesn't exist or is terribly misunderstood. My girlfriend; my parents; my brother and sister; my peers; my mentors; my job doesn't own me.

I only belong to one brotherhood, and we convene constantly. Every time I am with God, countless numbers of other people are with me. Many of them are presenting deeper and greater sufferings before His Throne than I might ever experience. These are the people who bring Glory to God. Like Jesus, the martyrs die with God's name on their lips. They are dying while I pray, and I pray that God eases their pain... but AO wastes my time with trivialities. I am a servant to many people, but a slave to God only.

"Is that the only reason?"

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I feel like I've been waiting all day today and it's almost unbearable. There's so much that I want to know, but I can't find out yet...

"Where*where*where*where*where"

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Everyone reads this now.... I cant write everything I want to write, because I'm not anonymous...

Today was awesome, awesome, awesome. It was just absolutely amazing. I really don't have enough words to say how great today was! but also I feel like I did everything wrong. I feel like I'm not bold enough, I don't have enough self control, and I don't have the wits to come up with anything to say when I should say something. All my ability to think on my feet leaves me when she's around. I really don't know how to act.... I guess I'll just have to trust God... and do things right tomorrow. I have a plan this time. I just shouldn't forget it. What I wouldn't give to know what she's thinking about right now.

I went for a walk in the rain tonight to clear my head and decide what's best. I got pooped on by like 4 birds on the way to Belcher. Mom used to say that when a bird poops on you, it's God saying that he's blessing you. ... This campus is just full of blessings. I am blessed so so much.. I hope I don't squander my blessings.

I only have a 20 and I really don't want to spend my only cash to get quarters for the laundry machine, but I haven't cleaned the sheets I like. I think I'll go ahead and use the sheets I don't like tonight, and tomorrow I'll get change at the coffee shop when I'm going to get Chowon's present.

Time to sleep.

"You can't."
Wow

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I told everyone I'd be getting back on the 5th, but I checked my itinerary and I'll actually be getting back tomorrow, the 4th. Oh well. My flight leaves pretty early. I should get some sleep.

The plan with Chowon is pretty much set. She's got her flight and her places to stay. I found a gift, and mom and dad got her some presents, too. I hope it comes in time^^

While I am typing, mom just told me to pray for my sister's feet. ... I don't think I really wanna know what's goin on with that.

School school school school school...... I don't feel ready for it. Maybe the few days of being on campus before classes start will help with that.

The RD has the building locked, so I have to live in AO for a few days before they'll let me in. It's too bad. I really wanted to set up my stuff first...

Being away from school has allowed me to psychoanalyze several of my friends from a reflective stance as opposed to trying to figure them out while I'm immersed in interaction with them. From this place, I can take the way John gets mad when we don't notice his rich-kid stuff, and the way Chris builds himself up by testing others, or the way my roommate outlets his emotions, or how Shane doesn't, and how Ben wanted affirmation that one time, but I wasn't sure how to give it.... I can take those things and interpret them without pressure to respond appropriately.

Sometimes stuff gets stuck in the holes where my wisdom teeth used to be, and it takes forever to get it all out. If I miss a tiny little bit, it makes my breath bad and it makes me feel really gross. I hope that doesn't happen when Chowon is with me. ... I'm gonna carry around some breath mints... and a toothbrush... The thing is, if it's really stuck, it will take being in front of a mirror for a while to get it out, and sometimes that makes the scars bleed, I don't think I want a bunch of blood in my mouth when I'm with Chowon either..

"But I was right."
Map
 
my pet!