I'm feeling grouchy this evening. Today I had a plan; something I usually avoid having just because of days like today. I would wake early, have breakfast, see the fam, check my email, and when Gwen went down for a nap I would play the new zombie map and relax, and then do homework when she woke. Well, I got to eat breakfast, but I stayed awake too late last night, so I was trying to nap, but then I had to change a flat tire. When I changed it I got in my email check, but when Gwen went down for the nap we went out to put the car in the shop before I'd play zombies, but I forgot to put up the wire-fence thing that keeps up the spare, so that got all bent out of shape when I backed out and I had to tie it up before I could go and so by the time I got back, Gwen was awake. Then my homework was way way more difficult than I thought, and it took me until dinner to get halfway done. When I was done, it was about 9:00, and Dan had played zombies without me and didn't want to play it anymore, so we played TDM, which I absolutely suck at. Then we watched half a movie, I copied some Bible, and I went to bed.

Really, it wasn't so bad; my plan just didn't go the way I wanted to so I never got to play zombies. Maybe my homework was the worst part, because it was really really bad for homework. Oh well. Tomorrow I don't have school, so I can play some extra zombies and make up for it. Then on Saturday I get to talk to Chowon^^* and on Sunday I get to go to church. For some reason, I'm looking forward to it this week more than usual. Maybe it will be a good Sunday, just like the pendulum swings.

"Hey... would you make me a waffle?"

Sleep, eat, do homework, take a walk, play video games, sleep.

Some guys at a local TaeKwonDo school said I might be able to work for them for minimum wage about 8 hours a week lololol. I think I'll try to get the job.

Tomorrow I want to wake up early, but it's 1:30am and I'm up blogging.

I found some child prodigy online named something something. ... Hold on I'll get that name again. ... Adora Svitak. She's a genius. She wrote some books, and now she's teaching at universities, and she's like 9 years old. She wrote a real thoughtful article about apathy. Similar to the one's I wrote back in the day, but of course hers was better and in a way more positive. I asked if she ever thought people brushed off her ideas as "cute" (because she's a cute little kid) but no response yet.

Beth just told me to listen to i-dose. I'm tryin it out. kinda weird. I'll end with that.

"having a really hard time thinking of quotes with this noise in my head."

I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to stay awake. I got on Skype for some reason, right before I would go to bed. Chowon is on, and I said "hi" and now I feel like I have to wait a while for a response before I go to bed. I figure if she responds before I finish this blog, then we'll talk. If not, I'll go to bed and call it a miss.

I have to do some school tomorrow, and I still haven't watched my 20min school video for today. I've heard that it's a good idea to do that kind of thing right before bed because you process info better while you go to sleep. ... I'll start the video while I blog. My music just ended anyway.

I got that exam in the mail today :D

Oh goodness. This video is going to be complicated and I am in no condition to take notes.

The derivative of f with respect to s, sub "u,p0", is equal to the gradient of f dot the vector u, which also equals the length of the gradient of f times cosine theta.

Jess is into some guy now. Dan is impressed by the "speed-date" he stole on the phone, during which I understand that the guy either shmoozed powerfully, or was awesome... or..both?

I got Windows Ultimate. Hooray! Actually, I only got it because I discovered that post sp1, the ability to read foreign languages (but not necessarily the ability to type them) is no longer professional.

Tomorrow the new zombie map comes out X)

But if we look at the equation z=l(x,y) we see that it is the equation for a two dimensional plane in three dimensional space, with a normal vector of n=-fx(x0,y0)i-fy(x0,y0)j+k

"Thinking more and more"

So I've thought about it a lot.... and given the circumstances, I think I'll be a little more bold.

I like these lyrics:

______________

I know I should go,
but I want to stay here with you,
in this room, I can tell
you'll never be all mine

never mine

ok

I know you have to go,
but I want to keep you to myself,
like a dream, I can tell
you'll never be all mine

_____________________

....Maybe I just like the way the song sounds....

My sister is here now^^ it feels so good to have all three of us together.

I shouldn't stay awake, but I don't want to go to bed. ...

"Byeeeeee"

So, I got the idea to try "chatroulette" from a SouthPark episode. I'm trying it while I type this. The website is kindof a graveyard. Bad idea overall. (but interesting website concept). Also it kindof burns out my router rather quickly. However, I did have an interesting conversation with two people online. One from "Mississippi", the other from "South Carolina".

The internet is a crazy place.

So I think I've pretty much become aware of the all the worst parts of America. I don't mean recently, but as a whole during my lifetime. Whether it was the freaky stuff going on in Dugway households (which I can't really post here, and that I never should have known anyway), or the freaky stuff going on in Pennsylvania (which was even filtered), or the stuff on the internet, or the stuff in Texas, or the stuff which I just happen to know is everywhere. I have a really desolate view of the U.S.A.. It's kindof like when a person first realizes that they are about to step into "The World" where all their parents' work will be put to the test. Schools all our lives tell us that we "can make a difference" and when confronted with the sudden limitlessness of options available a person can feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. You can't solve world hunger. You almost definitely won't become president. You get seasick too easily to become an astronaut. People are raped and murdered for petty reasons every second in parts of the world and there is NOTHING that you can do about it. ... Nothing. Unless you feel led by God to make a difference in one, or even two small towns, your only option is to send some money so that someone else can do the dirty work for you. How can you live in this world when you make such an insignificant contribution to the good in it?

The answer is difficult, but somehow people manage to live relatively happy lives. Maybe because we choose not to dwell on the terror in the world; but is that the same as ignoring it? The Bible teaches us in Philippians 4:8 to think about good stuff. I think that somewhere in the transition to adulthood a person realizes the harsh reality of their hopelessness, and chooses to forget about it for as long as they can. Living may be hopeless, but suicide is childish. So we each have to justify our existence somehow to keep from being overcome by it. My justification is that God wants us to learn to love before we die. That is, God wants us to learn to feel his love, and to be kind to others so that they will want to come to him as well. That doesn't mean to love certain sins. For example: I still assert that homosexuality is wrong, but honestly I don't care if a practicing homosexual wants to be Christian. Let him! Will he lead YOU astray? The only thing that can come of it is that he will eventually, on his or God's own terms, learn the right way.

The key phrase is: "love the sinner, not the sin".

ETA more chatroulette... maybe I have another blog to read soon^^

God's angels will fight without me while I sleep.

Today I was pretty tired all day. I don't know why I haven't gone to sleep yet. I have a quiz tomorrow, but I think it'll be an easier one. Dan and I haven't gotten the Wonder Waffle Easter-egg on Call of the Dead yet, but we intend to before the next map-pack comes out. We've been working on this for a while, and each time we get closer than last time, but we always do something wrong somewhere in there. Oh well.

I've organized all my games and movies on the external drive. Thinking it will be a little easier next semester for people to get stuff.

Piano practice has been something like once-a-week. I have an electric in the basement but it's an octave or two short. My practices are limited to what I already know. There's so much music I want to learn.... Maybe I can learn all of it when I am finished with college and have my own job.... Sometimes I sit and hope about the future. Someday... I'll finish work, take care of the kids for an hour or so while the mrs takes a break, play on my very own in-tune grand piano for an hour or so, eat with the fam, chill(or something) with the fam, kids to bed, sit on the couch and talk or watch a movie.... Someday that will be my evening^^

Chris just Facebook messaged me! Good to hear from him. Not good timing.

"I'll text you."

Just got off the phone with Chowon.

The gradient vector (gradient) of f(x,y) at a point P = (x0, y0) is the vector.... obtained by evaluating the partial derivatives of f at P.

I have to watch this video before I go to bed.

Sometimes I wish I had a lot of money.

I'm only half paying attention here......

[gradient](2xy-3y^2)@P(5,5)=10i-20j

I'm still waiting for some of those more grouchy formulas from chapter 15.1 to come back and bite me. I wonder if they'll just sit ominously in the back of my notebook for this entire class... never to be found in another application.

Video's over.

Chowon wants us to do a Bible study together via shared notes and regular checkups, and I'm pretty excited about it^^ It's gonna be one of those tough things to keep going, but I think we'll do it. I need to send her my mailing address....

The baby is here and is super adorable. Her name is Lainey Ann Slade. I got to hold her a little bit and it was just mesmerizing every time she moved or made a noise while in my arms. At one point, she reached her hand forward and I put my thumb in it and she grabbed it and held on for a while; she has a tight little grip for a baby^^ Can't wait to see this one grow up^^

Dan says he feels a little bad because he wants to spend more time with me and Steph and Gwen and now Lainey. I think he's doing his best and being a great Dad. I think that the fact that he feels bad about it just means that he's going to turn things out awesomely by trying to fix that. I still pray for him as often as I think to.

"Always."

I'm kinda stuck in this "take turns" idea, but I sometimes wonder if I should skip ahead for the sake of pursuit.

Sometimes I wonder whether a reader could guess at what I'm talking about. Maybe I should try to be more clear.

Today was homework homework homework. Then I came upstairs to chill with the fam, but after having sat and done homework for like 5 hours I didn't have the energy to move around much. I just wanted to take a nap. I felt like I'd just gotten off of a plane or out of a long car ride. I played some cards, watched some movie, ate some food, and we made a camp fire in the back yard^^

I'm looking at smartphones, but honestly I don't know where to start.

People expect me to know about the latest hardware and gadgets because I want to work with computers. Honestly, name-brands and their products don't matter to me. What am I going to do with detailed information about a hundred more products I can't afford, only to have to learn about newer, more expensive products next year? and I feel like being able to use some of that in conversation would ruin my self image. I just want to know how the dang things work. I can derive and integrate the head off your shoulders, but ask me to tell you the make and model of any component in my computer (which I *did* build myself, but still) and you're out of luck.

... oh hey! Chowon's online!

"The plot? Someone has a gun and a car and needs to kill some people to save something."

ETA

AAAAAAaAAAAAAA right when I posted that, Steph and Dan ran down and got in the car to go to the hospital. ~~baby is coming~~~~~~ ^^***********

Today was lots of work, and then some fun, and then some more work, and then some more fun and some talking with Chowon, and then a shower, and then sleep.

We painted and furnished the attic all day, preparing it for my mom. She's here now, but the baby isn't. The baby could decide it's time to leave Steph any minute, so we're all on our toes and Dan has a plan for if Steph goes into labor down.

Got some CUTE pics of Gwen today. I'll post them on facebook later.

God made time for me today, even though it was just a little bit, and filled me with hope. God, if you read these, you're the best.

Today I realized that the Bible would be a really good book if it wasn't so hard to read. Maybe it'd just be a really long book, because they don't tend to repeat themselves much when it comes to cool little details that bear repeating, like how Lot made it out on a prayer from that one guy in two stories which have slightly unrelated morals (how's that for a summary?!). I suppose someone could try rewriting the whole thing in contemporary fun-to-read language.... oh wait....

Jehova's witnesses were supposed to come argue with us today, but we were in the attic and didn't hear the doorbell ring. Oh well, they'll be back.

"Christ went down on Easter morning. Mother Mary went down to see it. 'Gotta tell my disciples to meet me in galilee.' Who's that writing? John the revelator."

Finished the first exam. It went pretty well. Painted the shed. Still have to nail those boards on and paint them, too. I want to move up to the attic, but it's nicer than the basement, and I think mom might stress out and try to solve world hunger if she has to live down here. There are some bugs that come out at night that won't bother you if you don't get in their way, and the stink bugs generally stay in one place until the light comes back on so I only have to hit one off the bed every so often and then turn out the light and it won't come back (afaict). Otherwise, though, the basement naturally stays at a more stable temperature than the rest of the house. It cools off at night, but is warmer than the rest of the house until noon, then it's cooler than the rest of the house. Scratching the dog makes my hand smell like dog, so I feel like I have to wash my hands before I touch anything after petting the dog *wrinkles face*.

"The entire argument was flawed, because uniqueness was with us all along."

Tonight I'm thinking about how you can never tell what other people are thinking.

"It almost makes me wish I could change everything for the worse"

"Just as the heart fades away in death, so does it's love fade away in life."

What am I more afraid of, being betrayed or being forgotten? I think I have experienced both in a small sense, but I can't decide which would be worse in the future unless the forgetting is mutual.

Even those fears are insignificant compared to the strangeness of peace brought on by resolving that deep confusion of ours.

I always feel like I make mistakes, and I over analyze what people must think of me. Maybe it's a bad idea to write here as if nobody reads it. Maybe I don't write here as if nobody reads it.... The thought that I could be writing my emotions down, HOPING that any person I know would read them is completely nauseating to me, but what knowledge do we have of our subconscious? And to refuse to acknowledge something is to prove it's existence. It's the same as what that guy says in the Starfucker song "if you are aware of a state which you call 'is', or reality, or life, this implies another state called 'isn't' or unreality or nothingness..." But I think the philosopher is speaking more of a present unreality than a nonpresent one. Like, there is definitely not a giant spaghetti monster in my living room, but there could be a few ghosts (just to make this point). The ghosts would be a present nothingness, while the monster is nonpresent nothingness (that is to say it doesn't exist anyway).

Anyway, this train of thought leads us to the conclusion that there is no way for me, personally, to know what I am feeling. Is my subconscious sad while I am merely trying to be happy; refusing to acknowledge my sadness? There's no way for me to know. ... I suppose I could try both and see which is easier ... Idek. This is a useless train of thought.

So I talked to Gavin a few weeks ago about the promise thing with Lani. I think it might suffice to call her up and ask her about it. I think that if she's forgotten (which I wouldn't put past her) then I can call the deal off. Explaining myself completely has always worked in the past, maybe I'll just do that.: I'd be willing to talk about it for rote, but I don't really want us to have a second chance.

I think I accidentally sounded a little bit jealous on the phone with Chowon today. Wondering what she must think of it (or me!!! Lions and tigers and bears OH MY!) makes me cringe.

This church I've been going to is really challenging my worldviews. The people there worship enthusiastically, which is just awesome, but they are so much more into it than I'm used to. They sing with loud voices, they stomp and clap and dance around, they close their eyes and raise their hands, some of them wave flags in the back, and some of them are not very good at singing. Sometimes when they look like fools it's hard not to judge them, because I'm usually really reserved and boring when I worship God. I like the feel of their services and I hope I can come out of my shell a bit and maybe infect some LeTourneau students with the enthusiasm when I return.

Another thing they do that is probably 90% of what challenges me about this church is that before each service the pastor asks the congregation to listen to the Holy Spirit and if anyone feels lead or receives a "word" from the Holy Spirit, to come up and give it in front. There is always at least one person coming up, and not always the same person. These people are mostly very well-versed in scripture, and seem (by their actions as well as their words) very well-grounded in their faith, and the "words" they give are sometimes encouragements for the whole congregation (which who can argue with?) or sometimes they are directed at an individual in the audience. The amazing thing is, these "words" seriously stir up a focus on God and a feeling of closeness or belonging in the chapel (as if the Holy Spirit were trying to make us feel like a family sitting around our beloved brother who would tell us something great about God). When they are directed at the church as a whole, they are often perfect for the mood of the lesson, and when they are for individuals, they almost invariably leave the individual crying tears of joy for some previously concealed incident in their life that God had spoke to them about. What's really amazing is when the word concerns something tentative in the future, and they come back the next week with praises that God had fulfilled his promise. It's hard not to judge the church for this, but these people aren't televangelists. They're people like me, who I see every day and trust and love (at least, vicariously through my brother, who I respect to an absolute). It's a weird thing, and someone may read this and think I'm a typical cult follower, but I think that the Holy Spirit moves in that church in a unique way.

This blog was super long, but whatev's. Props if you read all of it. ^^

So I was gonna post some pictures on Facebook, but then I changed my mind and decided to post on Facebook about how my Facebook account was down for the next few hours due to site maintenance, but then I remembered that my Facebook is down due to site maintenance.

Today felt like the difference between meaning and purpose. ... in a really indirect way... It was just the vibe is all. Meaning is what grounds you. It's the unmovable truth that lets you know you're on the right or wrong road. Purpose is the road itself.

You might say the meaning of life is written for us in the Bible. The purpose of life is to walk with God and worship him along with humanity as a whole... but humanity is broken, and we have to do our part to fix it as well as we can, despite the futility of our efforts.

I slept during a good portion of the airshow, but I'd like to think I saw the cool parts (the flame thrower demo, the spitfire, some other planes throwing smoke and doing flips, the "reenactment", and the flea market.) The reenactment was kindof hilarious. They had one Japanese Zero on site, so instead of having a mock dog fight or something, (which I'm sure would be outrageously dangerous,) they had the planes do circles around the crowd, and every time the Zero flew over they shot it with their fake MGs. Well, a few of the MGs were real, but they weren't the firing kind anymore.

A lot of today I was wondering if I aught to text Chowon or if I should wait a day or two. I wonder when it's too much, and I don't want to get ahead of myself when we've got like a year before we see each other again. Then the one time I had her available and texting at the same time as me, Bud pulls out CoD Black Ops and I completely lost focus and didn't text back. Waiting for the response now to my 2-hour late text.

"Never forget the sun. It's only a dream tonight. Let me take it carefully...for you"