What does it take to really listen to someone?
Is it ever not-OK to apologize?

Why would I build such tall and fragile walls?

I think I'm going to look forward to the Skype appointment most each week. I keep thinking I say really stupid stuff, and we always leave early.

I've ruled out a bunch of people, and now we're down to three (not including me).

I plan to go to bed early tonight, but I don't know if it's gonna happen.

Read up on the HBwhatever Wikileaks attacks. Crazy~~~~~~

I have to write this research argument by Friday. I don't like arguing and I don't like research. I wish I could limit my school to a book of nothing but logically successive formulas and a book of equations that need solving. Sometimes I wish I was a farmer with a family.. Our kids could help out with the work. We don't really need money, because our land has trees for us to build our house, a vegetable garden to get veggies, some apple trees, a few chickens.. Whatever we want outside of that can be gained by selling our extra and saving the money. ... Oh, and we have a piano.

Unfortunately, I'm single, and I don't know a thing about farming. If I could raise a garden out of the ground by solving formulas.... well.... that would be kindof awesome.

Idk. I'm rambling. This is stupid. I'm done. Goodnight.

"In a moment of weakness"

Yeah, another late night.

I got 1st for sparring in the Karate tournament today, and 2nd for Kata. I'm mighty proud.

I'm also really tired. Right now, I really miss Chowon. I ate a Korean cookie, and it made me feel like I was in the Korean dorms again for a second.

Not much else to talk about.

"This door is locked, right?"

It's late and I have to wake up at 9:00AM tomorrow, so I'm not gonna blog much tonight.

Tomorrow is the tournament. Today was fun. I hope I find time for homework tomorrow. Things are looking grim in that respect.

Sometimes I wonder if Shane is passive aggressive or playfully mean. I'm sure he means well. It can be frustrating sometimes when I don't have a firm grasp on his intentions. He's been much more clear lately. I noticed I have that problem with one or two people, so I think it's just me being oblivious. I'm gonna try to fix it.

Gabrielle wants to watch a movie with me over spring break, and my parents are trying to play match maker. I hope nothing happens so that I will have to defend our emotional distance from (what seems to be) an inexorable circumstance. ... Well, on the other hand, even though she is the antagonist (who fights for the better cause) in this situation, she has always been better at actively preserving physical distance. Maybe it will boil down to a battle between me and myself.

I'm tired. I'm gonna go get Tyler A. to do Bible study with me.

"Every time I think about it I feel completely helpless."

Time to update! I took a good walk today. Sometimes conversation is really good, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes I worry that I must come across as super awkward to some people and ok to others. I am beginning to really like some of the freshmen. Next year, though, is going to be scary all the same.

This blog should be short. It's time for bed.

"Everything that was written in the past was written to teach us."

Not lots happened today... Or at least not lots worth talking about. The way the other guy in my EPM team looks at B I can tell he likes her, and I know he knows her better than I do. In the past, she's walked away from him to talk to me, but I don't know if I want to be a part of that kind of drama until I know more about it. I didn't find out if she plays piano or not. I'll just give him a fair shot and give myself more time. I'll just keep taking things as they come to me and try not to worry about tomorrow.... I'm a little worried about tomorrow.

I have a speech to deliver. I wrote it today, but I have to make notecards tomorrow before class if I can. We'll see what happens^^ I'm the last one to present. Maybe I can touch it up before I go.

"Sometimes unexplainable things happen around me. Not because of anything supernatural; it's because I'm crazy."

My disposition today has been good. The EPM meeting went really long leaving me with not enough time to get done with my outline and differential equations together. However, my differential equations prof accepts late work sometimes. I just have to get cash tomorrow and come up with something to ask B to do with me. Maybe she plays piano and we can do that together^^ ...you know, If she plays piano, it's decision made for me (until I get rejected.. although I've heard there's some virtue to persistence. maybe I'll get rejected twice and then not try again for at least a year. I haven't decided on a policy for myself for that yet... --topic escapes parenthesis-- I've got rules set for myself with most other things having to do with relationships. Like, I haven't written these down or anything, but I'm pretty sure most of them can be found in a social etiquette book somewhere because they are usually issues of politeness and common sense that I somehow missed in development but learned the hard way. Idk. Whatever

I wrote Corey Ross an email saying everything I wanted to say about Q4. I'm quite pleased with his response, but actions speak louder than words... and words speak louder than emails, so lets see what actually happens.

"I'm in love with something intangible.
I'll be eternally complete.
I'll never be alone.
I'll never be content."

I'm so tired. It's so cloudy in the mornings, like my head. I just want to sleep all day. I woke up for church today, and it turned out well.

I want a hug and a nap and like 5 hours of free time to sit in front of an in-tune piano with nobody listening except me and God.

I'm gonna wash my face, swish some mouthwash, and go to sleep.

"Those who tell the truth shall die. Those who tell the truth shall live forever."

Morgan made a good point the other night. I guess I should decide in advance. It's weird when I think about it. It's almost as if I intend to get to get to know someone for the first time and enter into a relationship with them at the same time.

There's always somewhere else I wish I was.

I found my "everything" notebook^^

I just got done on Skype with Chowon^^ I'm happy we are still in touch. To be honest, I'm really surprised how that turned out. There was sparse contact with a few of my friends in Korea after I left, but she was the only one who kept talking to me the whole time.

There's been some drama between the girls who used to hang out with our dorm and the guys who dated them. I am sometimes worried that it will make things awkward between me and the girls, who I consider to be extremely trustworthy friends, and would be hurt to lose them.

The guys want to do Bible studies now so I should leave.

"I had a rusty spade, but I'm not the fighting sort"

The quads are moving to the new dorm.

I have some homework due tomorrow and some homework due Sunday, but my teacher for tomorrow's class usually accepts late work, but I am probably trying her patience. I'm gonna do a lot of it tomorrow and turn it in if it's done, but get the rest this weekend like normal. Shane wants to get to bed early tonight or something like that, so I've got about an hour and a half to get this out of the way, get in a devo, and practice piano if I can. I haven't practiced with music in a few days because I lost my everything-notebook. I can rebuild it, but there were some cool notes, drawings, sheet music, and the blogs I wrote on that trip.

I'm a little bit worried about spring break. I have to make sure my ride is available and also I'm not sure what's going to happen this summer. I'm beginning to feel the pressure to get a major-related job. Piano is where I think I find the most solace lately. Tyler M. just came in and said he wants to play a game.... Piano might just have to wait until tomorrow...

"And I wish we had never gone stale"

It's time to do Differential Equations. Thought I'd blog first. I'm in love with this song right now:

No Hands (Jetplastica Remix) by Jetplastica

I don't like the lyrics at all, but the rhythm is great :D

Let's see if that works. No reason it oughtn't, right?

Today I drank coffee with that one girl. It went ok, kindof awkward, but she had another friend along who I didn't really know. Maybe we'll hang out again. Idk. I wonder what's going to happen with the other girl. This might be a good time to clarify that I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship with either of them. I'm just making friends and being open. The way I see it, I don't have enough time to really get to know them in just one semester, so I'm trying to arrange as much hang out as possible just to see where it goes. Idk.

Coming soon: Acid Pro!!!!!! XD

... I wish I was practicing piano now. I shouldn't be drinking this coffee.

"You mean like a connoisseur?"

Homework to do tomorrow. No homework due tomorrow.
Quiz tomorrow that I'm not too worried about

Not worrying much about things in general right now.

There's a razors edge and a few things seem to be balanced on it, but left or right... up or down... it's out of my control.. it's freeing in a nervous sort of way to realize that.

There's a minimal effort waiting on the other side of tonights sleep if I can get my hands on an envelope.... or some construction paper and tape....

There's a social game being played in a classic sense. I'm glad I'm not the type who dwells too much on the past... am I?

There's a piece of code hiding out there on the internet, and my flashlight can only illuminate so much at once.

What drives us toward division from tyranny is what divides us from the tyrannic, and what was lost from them can never be regained.

"Never sleep... never see the sky"

I did all my homework that I could think of today. I think I'm done^^

Spent most of the day in front of my computer doing Differential Equations. It was a good thing, because my date today had a lot to tell me, and she doesn't have a phone. She kept getting on and telling me "I can't make it tonight" "I can make it tonight after all" "I can't make it" "I can". Each time, I had to go talk to Ben, because he was my ride, and he was kinda doing me a favor letting me tag along as a double date, and also since my school money hadn't come in yet he was gonna spot me the bill and have me pay him back. It wasn't a good situation over all, but even worse so.
Finally, 30 minutes before we had to go, she comes on Facebook and tells me she can't make it. I told her it was all good.... I was really kinda brought down by that, though, because I had planned the date to be my reward for doing homework all day (for better or worse) haha.
Anyway, instead of going out, I went to Belcher to practice piano. The only good practice room had a couple in it, not playing piano. I went to MSC and there was a girl playing piano there for her boyfriend. I went to Spear Chapel and there was a guy in there doing work. I don't usually like practicing for an audience of people, so I hit the prayer room and talked to God for a while, hoping that the guy would leave so I could play. He didn't after 30 minutes, so I left. [but first found out that the New Testament Read-Through starts next Friday at 7:00PM]

I went to Dr. Graff's house, because last year he had grilled cheese sandwiches for the students each Sunday. I wanted to see if he was still doing that. The fence was locked, but a girl was walking at the same time as I arrived. She opened the fence for me and, in fact, lives with Dr. Graff's family this semester. They invited me in to eat, and she remembered me from last year. We had met once in the prayer room, maybe twice. She said she remembered my voice and my "aura". I remembered her as soon as she said something, because she has a unique smile. She was really happy about it, and I said we aught to get coffee sometime. She was up for it and invited Dr. Graff to come with us [?]. Well, Dr. Graff did exactly what I would do in his situation and evaluated me starting with the question: "what church do you attend". That's a test I failed, but I'm gonna start going to Church regularly next Sunday. He said he goes to Hope Fellowship, and I think some people in my dorm go there. ... Maybe I will too.

I guess it might sound weird saying he was "evaluating" me, but I'm like 99% sure he was, because my dad used to do that to guys who would come to see my sister. Dr. Graff got the same look on his face and tone in his voice that my dad used to, and he asked the same exact question that my dad always did. I mean, it's not like we're suddenly "interested" in each other or anything, but I'm sure Dr. Graff cares about the girl a lot, and she seemed pretty happy to see me again.

What does that mean happens next? Idk. I'm just gonna go with the flow. As long as I'm a gentleman in every case, and do my best to do what God would want me to do, I'm sure He'll lead me in the right direction.

"Was everyone ok?"

Today was a productive day. I did some EPM, and I got a haircut, and I found out my money hasn't been refunded yet.

Ben's gonna help me pay for the date tomorrow, and I'm gonna pretend it was me, because I do fully intend to pay him back when I get my money. The school is a little late getting it to me afaict, so I'm gonna bicker to them about it on Monday and hope I can get some cash at least.

My valentine can make it to the date tomorrow^^ I'm not sure what to make of that. I don't really want to get into the details on my blog. Ian has been prying to find out who it is. All he's gotten out of me is she might be Asian. Word will get around eventually, but I don't want gossip about it. It's nothing at all, and so the last thing we need is LeTourneau gossip. This place has potential to become death itself if I become part of that tree of rumors and gossip and double talk. I mean, I already participate a little, but I really do try to minimize if not eliminate that. I don't want to go through another Dugway........

I have been thinking about how I seem to dislike a place more and more as I am in it, until around the 3 year mark it usually becomes hardly bearable. I really hope that doesn't happen here. I wonder what will happen when I have to stay somewhere for four years. I am a bit worried. I wonder if I will be able to commit to a long term, short-distance relationship when the time comes for that. I wonder if I will be doomed to travel forever to keep my sanity. I wonder if God put this in my heart for a reason. I wonder if I will be tied down by a relationship like Dan and Jess have become. I wonder if I will ever meet someone willing to travel with me...

"But to see the light and to feel the rays... that was always back and forth."

Took a nap earlier while my clothes were in the wash and now I'm not sure if I'm tired enough to get back to sleep.

Predators is playing in the lobby now. I got all my laundry. maybe I'll finish this movie before going to bed for good. I have a big day tomorrow. I need to find a ride to Walmart and get a haircut, and I need to work with my EPM team for three hours :(

I wonder if I'll be able to get that ride after 5. I hope so. I'm sure I can ask Brendan for a ride if I have to.

I've got lots of homework to do this weekend, too. Mostly Differential Equations. I think I might have some reading for Speech, and maybe something for English. Idk. I'm not too worried about English Comp. I can snap out a paper pretty fast if I have to.

This movie is coming to a close. I'm really hungry..... Tyler A. said something about letting me have cookies earlier, but then he disappeared from the dorm. I wonder what he's doing now... Hanging out with that girl he likes, I imagine.

"your two eyes"

Today I was pretty much tired all day. I don't remember much of it, except having Gabbi's email open all day and not responding to it until midnight.

I wanted to get to bed much earlier, but the guys kept me up doing stuff.

I asked a girl to be my valentine today and she accepted, but then she was pretty much like, "I'll be your valentine, but you should know this isn't going to go anywhere". It kinda made me sad, but I should've seen it coming.

Shane just came in. I was meaning to go to bed, but I think he's gonna try to talk to me. It's cool. I like talking to him and all, but I might have to tell him not tonight.
....
Well, it's late so I'm gonna go to sleep now. Night^^

"There's a beautiful sound which I will never hear."

Talk is pretty intense tonight. It's 1:47, which is bad news, but the talk is so good. I'm telling stories that *nobody* knows. And so is everyone here, I guess....


Anyway, I just wanted to get a blog in.

Night.

"Too bad. Somebody else got this deal."

The superbowl was ok. There were only like 5 commercials that I particularly liked, and the half-time show was nothing short of disappointing. Although Slash was pretty cool, and there was one other artist who did alright.

Oh, so negative. I've been blogging about negative things for a while now. Well, Tyler's been on my heart lately....

I messed up with my Skype appointment. I thought for some reason that Korean time was later than American time, when, in fact, it is the opposite. 초완 cleared up my confusion and things are better now. I feel really bad about that mistake. I wonder how long she waited for me...

I have an essay due on the 9th that I have only written a little bit on. After talking to the prof about it, I know how he expects me to expand my paragraphs and whatever, but I can't think of any good BS to write down. I usually don't have that kind of writers block for essays. ... It's like whenever I start thinking of my essay topic and English class my BS engine just stops.

I need to write a survey to have my dorm take for part of my essay research. I'll do it tomorrow. I haven't practiced piano at all this week. I will do that also tomorrow.

"I am waiting for your reply"

Oh sleep. There's never enough. Not much to blog about today. I'm a coward and I'm a little ashamed of it, but nobody really knows what I'm talking about -- or maybe you do, but whatever. I guess it's just one of those things that might never be the way I want it to be.

Took a walk with one of the freshmen. It was nice getting to know him more. He's a great guy, but I have to admit he turns on his creep whenever girls are around (at least from what I've seen.) Like, he'd probably have no problems with any girl on campus if he was more like himself around them. Then again, he recently got a girlfriend from back home. The way it's told, she randomly said "yes" when he (jokingly) asking her out via text message. Me and some of the guys around call her his phone girlfriend. Idk, he's super-cool most of the time. I like him a lot.

Tyler is kinda shook up about Dana (his ex) recently. He was ok with her for a while, and he is still kinda, because he legitimately really liked and respected her. He just realized that he couldn't make it work with some major part of her personality. Nothing for her to feel bad about or anything, I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes... anyway. Trish and Scott had parking tickets at the Super Bowl and invited Tyler. Tyler wasn't planning on going anyway, because he only watches the Super Bowl for the commercials and he thought it might be a bit awkward with Dana there. Dana, not knowing Tyler's decision, told Trisha to tell Scott (Trisha is Scott's girlfriend) to uninvite him and Scott did it.
I thought that Dana was ok with Tyler and that they would naturally try to minimize the awkwardness by "moving on" emotionally, (as was the case with Tyler) but I guess not. Tyler was kindof hurt because he is close with Scott. Scott feels torn between his girlfriend and his friend because Dana and Trish are close. I'd like to hear Dana's side of the story, because I'm convinced that girls "do" use some kind of logic for most of their decisions; it's just logic based on things written between lines, and as far as I can tell.... sometimes there's nothing written there and they read it anyway. I know Tyler is also a little bothered by how fast Dana seems to be moving on to this new guy whatsisface....
I really like Tyler and I don't have any problems with Dana so far. I just hope that they can work things out so Tyler won't have any emotional burdens holding him down. Maybe I don't know the whole story.... Idk. There's little or nothing I can do except listen to Tyler. I'm sure he knows he can always come to my room to vent.

"They need to learn theory just like the rest of us!!!"

So CHD tripped out today. Yeah, I suppose we might have taken things a little too far picking on him... because he's not really normal... And we apologized for it. Here's how it went down:

We're playin Smash Bros on the GC and CHD walks in excited about how he could really use the game. Well, we finished the round we were playing, and then before CHD had a chance to join I quickly started another one and said "Who did that? --etc." I kinda half-planned to quit the round right away, but the other guys who were playing before went along with it, so I continued playing. CHD wasn't happy, but he sat through it anyway. When the round was over, Swim started the next one right away and called it: "who did that?!". CHD is pretty gullible. He blamed Batch... or was it Chris who was playing with us?... I don't remember... well, someone quit the round, and I quickly started one more and called it one more time: "who keeps doing that?!". CHD charged me and grabbed the controller. I didn't let go, but I realize now that I should have. He struggled for a few seconds and then just grabbed the cord and yanked it. It's a lucky thing I was holding it by the upper end of the cord. The cord snapped in two, but didn't come out of the controller. We spliced it after dinner and it still works. CHD went into his room, we apologized to him and I haven't seen him since. It was a little out of hand, but it was hilarious. I really should be nicer to him. We all keep saying we need to stop that kind of picking, but it doesn't really stop. Tt's kindof classic bullying, but we usually stop before he loses it, and he's fine afterward.. That's no excuse... The guy is chronically clueless, and really kindof hilarious to watch when he's interacting with others, but nearly unbearable when he focuses his attention on you... That's not a good excuse either.

Shane threatened to "ground" the dorm from GC for a while (he was dead serious). I asked him what he thought he could do, and he said maybe throw the thing away. I understand throwing something away if it's causing declension, but it usually brings us together in the lobby. If he tries to take it from everyone then he'll just have a dorm that's angry with him and we'll have one less thing to do in Middle-of-Nothing-Longview-TX.

Shane is being really grumpy lately. He keeps telling me to do stuff, like go to bed at 8 on Friday night so he can get to work in the morning on Sat. I understand where he's coming from.. (this is a True story, really).. But, well, first, I'm not gonna do that because it's Friday night.. and anyway I'm usually careful to be quiet when he's sleeping and stuff... But a lot of it is he doesn't ask politely or seriously. It's one thing to be serious and polite, but he is one or the other. If he's polite he seems like he's not serious. If he's serious he's rude. I can't tell what he wants until he's angry sometimes... there are other examples too, usually having to do with sleep. We wake up at the same time in the morning, but he goes to bed much earlier than me.

I guess these things singularly wouldn't normally cause me to question myself, but Shane being frustrated with me and me feeling bad about picking on CHD at the same time is making me wonder if there's a defect in my personality that needs my attention.... I trust the people here to call me out if I'm doing something wrong. I guess a good place to start would be the way I treat CHD.

"I saw the truth today speaking with the lie."