guess where i found this?

aWxvdmV5T3VpbE92ZXlvdWlsb3ZleU91aWxPdmV5T3VpbG92ZXlvdWlsT3ZleW91aWxPdmV5T3VpbE92A2U=

hahaha, that's not weird at all.....

So i went out and flew some kites today. I had originally planned to try and make it kindof a date with this one girl Mercy. Well, it wouldnt really be a date, but it would be just the two of us flying kites. I don't really know her that well, but every time ive talked to her, ive said "we should hang out sometime" and she has said "yeah, definitely, just let me know when".

So I asked her at lunch yesterday. I dont know if she knew who i was. I wrote something like "i am not talking for lent. do you like flying kites?" and she said "ive never flown one." (at which point, i am thinking 'awesome!') and so i wrote "do you want to, tomorrow?" (meaning today) and she bit her lip and took some weird breaths and hesitated alot and said no. so i was like 'ok' and i got up, smiled and left. i think maybe i left too hastily because i didnt really hear, but she might have said "maybe another time". anyway, i dont know what all that lip-biting was about, but it didnt feel like she really wanted to. it seemed more like she was thinking of a nice way to turn me down. lol

anyway, it ended up being me and my good friend Deena, which is really cool too. Deena is probably one of the coolest kids i know. like, top 5. after we had flown a while, some other people came up and i just happened to have some extra kites, so there were four of us in the end.

that was lots of fun. in fact, i cant imagine how it could have been any more fun, unless the wind was better.

my physics homework is due tuesday, but i dont want to do it tonight. i think i will just have another last-minute physics party like i have almost every other time. well, God, please bless my grade.

So kinda like being your own worst enemy. You know exactly what you want, but don't even realize how abstract your idea of perfection was until you see it and determine that it is not what you expected, only to move on to something even worse.

it's day 9 of not talking, and it's getting harder still each day.

I downloaded a program called "melody assistant" so i could finally get around to writing music. i really don't know a whole lot about the theory side of composing, but i can usually guess a good chord just by putting my hands on my electric piano. Then writing the progressions is all that's left. I wrote 4 measures of a duet and decided that it takes too long and that i will write more later. idk, it will probably be a couple days if not weeks before i get on that again. i hope not. it would be cool to actually write a whole song.

I really should have been practicing korean, but it seems like every time i have finished everything that is happening i just dont have the time. ..... which is really dumb, because i know i spent like an hour on those four measures of piano sheet music (they were full of 16th notes, ok?). i know that learning korean is really high on my priority list, but i really need to synchronize my theoretical priorities with my actual priorities. and i still haven't practiced korean tonight, but seriously. it's almost 2 in the morning. there is no way i will be able to focus long enough to write down those sentences for homework. i mean, i take forever on my korean homework even when i am not completely tired.

another priority issue (only maybe not). COSC class. i read the chapters, i skim the 500 problems on the practice quiz, and i feel like i understand (well, most of it). it is kind of the same with physics. i understand it perfectly fine when people are helping me, when i have notes and the internet there to guide me, because all it is is applied logic. it all makes sense. the problem is, applying it is really really difficult. it isnt like i am not studying, i spent maybe 8-10 hours on physics alone in the past 3 days, and i can count the number of problems i finished on my fingers and toes. i just dont understand what is wrong with my abilities in that area. i have been telling myself that i need to get a tutor... well, i just wish i had time to go talk to the teacher and ask him where the heck the tutors are at. i mean, it's bad enough finding time for that, but on top of that i have to write it out before i get there or i spend 10 minutes in his office trying to tell him what i want.

*sigh*

o.o is this my second blog today? *checks* yes it is.

well, goodnight.

it is way too easy to get lost in this kind of music.

i just dont want to go anywhere. i want to sit and listen to music forever...

but i have a legos meeting in 30, and i havnt had dinner yet. i better get on that.

i totally bombed the COSC test... but almost immediately afterwards I was pleasantly surprised and it was all good.. i just wish i wasnt such a scaredy cat. :)

you know something. i think i sit all day every day waiting for tomorrow, like all my worries and wishes were not resolved today, but they will be real soon. i feel like i am just incapable of seeing the potential which each moment has to offer. I plan on fixing that. I am going to be more daring...... tomorrow...

ugh, contentment is a fickle thing.

So day 7 of my 46 day vow of silence just ended.

it's been pretty hard, like, i can feel my lungs contract sometimes I want to talk so bad, but I don't say anything. Ironically, some people who I have really wanted to talk to have been around, and I haven't been able to talk to them because of my vow of silence, and after not having talked to them in so long and them not really knowing about this silence thing, it just feels exceedingly awkward to try to start conversation. On the other hand, I have decided that some of my social endeavors were selfish to begin with, and that I am a total jerk. I have ceased to pursue those and do not plan on continuing unless God makes it clear to me that it is his will or somehow in some weird way, idek. God knows. My roommate is just getting out of the shower right now. He will probably be up for a while, or else I would be in bed hahaha.

on another note,

Korean lesson was good. It felt weird. I could feel my voice vibrating my bones every time I said anything. Now another week until I get to have a verbal conversation with anyone but God. I recently learned that traditionally, you don't have to stick to your vows on Sundays for lent. -- yet another reason why one hour a week for Korean lessons isn't a bad thing. I am not giving up my vows on Sunday. The original rules I established are still in effect.

scheduled a day for piano lesson, still need to get in touch with guitar teacher, still haven't scheduled first trombone meeting. (probably will nix trombone lessons. sorry, bud.)

I am looking into tandem skydiving for this summer. It would cost around 200 per person, but if I make like 4000 during half the summer, I can spot three people for the ride and still have plenty leftover. So far, I have a few people in mind. I guess I will look at that when I get around to looking at that. I emailed a skydiving biz, and they haven't emailed back yet.... whatever :)

Well, midterms are real soon. Dear God, I could really use some help. I have studied, but I am having a really difficult time learning the material, and the practice tests which Dr. Baas gives us for COSC are not only worthless as far as points go, but are outrageously long and do not tell you which answers you got right or wrong.

Remind me to remind Shane to call ShlitterBan (some kind of water park) tomorrow.

Oh, a thought. This is totally random and kinda irrelevant, but I was just thinking about how some people today say that God doesn't do all the cool miracles that he used to anymore. Maybe he doesn't. and anyway, I have heard, on occasion, people cite several different things they wish God would do to help them and everyone else believe. Things like "come talk to us in person" or whatever. I heard an interesting story starting in Luke 16:22, and if you read that you will understand why it got me thinking about this and I still haven't gotten to the point yet. So, what if God did all those things in the old testament, all the different miracles, and still his people turned to worshiping golden cows instead of him and still people turned corrupt and so on. What if he did all that in a way to plan ahead. He knew that he was going to get it all on paper someday, but it had to happen first. Like, so that people will know "I DID try that. I tried EVERYTHING and you guys still don't believe. For that matter, I even tried making you guys without a sin nature in the garden of eden and you still sinned!" just to emphasize that Jesus is for realsly the only way out. We can't of our own power escape sin, no matter how hard we try. We can't sit and wait for God to show himself to us in some crazy awesome way. He has already tried that with plenty of people, and it didn't work.

So, I don't entirely know where I was initially going with that... maybe I got there, maybe not.

I am incredibly tired right now. I am gonna go freshen up and get to bed. Nighty night.

Being quiet--the full explanation (please comment questions)

So i decided to not talk during lent. I've gotten alot of flack for it, but that's to be expected. I was alittle shocked by who gave me flack, but I guess I should have expected that too.

So, to clarify, even though I know nobody is reading this lol:

Lent is the period of time between Ash Wednesday and Good Friday (... it might be something else, and not good Friday, but that is beside the point). it's from February 17th to April 3rd. It is normally 40 days, but this year it is 46. Don't ask me why.

The idea behind lent is not necessarily that you give something up which will benefit you, which seems to be the popular belief. Instead, when you give something up for lent, you are making a pact with God. It is more like depriving yourself of something you desire, or something that is important to you, to show your gratitude to God for Jesus's suffering on the cross. It is alot like fasting, in that it's indirect purpose is to aid you in developing your relationship with God.... in fact, i think the only difference is that for Lent, you can choose some of your own rules, and you generally give up things not-necessarily-food.

So, I decided to give up talking. I think, maybe a more appropriate way to say it is something like I gave my voice to God. The rules I set for myself are such that I can only talk for 1 hour a week (Korean lessons) and when I am singing to God on Sundays. Furthermore, if I am sure that I am completely alone and nobody can hear me, I can whisper prayers out loud. Otherwise, I can only pray silently. The reason I make an exception for Korean lessons is because a- I kindof have to talk for those, and b- I am pretty sure that God is supporting me in going to Korea so far. If he is not, he has not impeded me yet (and I hope he doesnt).

Why talking?

OK, well, for starters, I have given up talking before. It is nothing original I'm afraid. Only last time it was for only 10 days, and it was to make 10 bucks. It was alot easier then, because I didn't have many friends. haha. this time I have lots of good friends to try to make me talk all the time.

Now, them trying to make me talk isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is good for me to have as much difficulty as possible in this endeavor, just because that way I suffer more (and that's kinda the point). And I am not saying that for attention. Anyone who knows me very well knows I hate being in large groups of people, and I am opposed to being the center of attention.

Oh, back on topic. Why talking. I read a proverb that said "be slow to speak, but quick to listen". (I think that is also in James) and I realized that I say alot of stupid things, and I don't really do much listening. Furthermore, people in the distant, distant past have taken vows of silence in pursuit of wisdom. Another proverb: "wisdom is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can equal it." During this time, I plan to do alot of thinking, especially "meditating" on God's law. (Psalms: "Oh how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long")

I am pretty sure these quotes are googleable. I just dont want to take the time to find my verse references. You guys do that yourself if you question me.

Also, people have asked me if it defeats the purpose when I communicate with people through writing, or by mouthing things, or other means. It does not. I have not given up communication, I have given up talking -- my voice.

Now, an important topic which has come up.

Twice now, (and this is day two), I have made mistakes. I have spoken out once in exasperation and the other in forgetfulness. This does NOT mean that I have given up my vow of silence. I anticipated mistakes, and I also anticipate that these mistakes will become less and less frequent and will be nonexistent soon. (i hope it doesnt take very long). When I accidentally speak out, all it means is that I must immediately (if possible) ask God for forgiveness (quietly), then continue what I was doing with a closed mouth.

Alright. I am saving a link to this blog and Facebooking it to the next person who tells me this is a "stupid" endeavor. (there were four today. they are off the hook until i see them again and ask them if they want the full explanation).

Some more lyrics. This time from Bright Eyes

from a police officer to a drunk driver:

You know I can't just let you go,

Though your father's name is known,

Your decisions now are yours alone.

You're nothin but a stepping stone

To debt,

To loss,

To shame.

MeWithoutYou

this is a piece of a song by mewithoutyou. One of my favorites. I dont know the name of the song, and I dont feel like looking it up, but the lyrics are like this:

I was dead then alive.

She was like wine turned to water and then turned back to wine,

and you can pour us out, we don't mind.

As scratched around the mouth of the glass, "my life is no longer mine."

and here is another piece to my other favorite song by them :)

But if I didn't have You as my guide, I'd still wander lost in Sinai,

Counting the plates of cars from out-of-state,

How I could jump in their path as they hurry along!

And you surround me. You're pretty but You're all I can see

Like a thick fog

If there was no way into God,

I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long.

Music

Another good one:

No One's Gonna Love You -- Band of Horses

More Music

I'm feelin this song right now:

At the Bottom of Everything -- Bright Eyes

listening to music

I feel this song today:

Marching Bands of Manhattan - Deathcab for Cutie