Today has been REALLY mellow and unproductive. Well, not altogether unproductive. I practiced piano for like 2 or 3 hours (not all at once). That was great.

Yesterday, was ok, too. I took a Discrete Math test, and got like a 85 on it, which is great. I studied for it. my previous test I got a 55. I plan on bringing that grade up a-lot.

Also yesterday, as I was walking away from the coffee shop without coffee(<-Dear God), I walked up the steps outside on the way to LH and a pretty girl walked by and said "Hi". Now, this is gonna sound really stupid, but not only does that not happen very often, but it wasn't just a normal "Hi". It was a *Hold eye contact 4 yards in advance, slow down as you pass, shoot a coy smile in your direction, and then say 'hi'* "Hi". One of those. It would have been a perfect opportunity for me to say hi back, and maybe even pretend I wasn't doing anything and wasn't out of flex money and ask her if she wants to have coffee. Alas, it would have proven quite difficult to write all that down, along with an explanation of why I wasn't just saying it, and still be quick enough to not make things totally awkward. So instead I smiled back, nodded once, and didn't say hi.

...

Maybe I will see her again after April 3rd.

Now it is 2:00 in the morning. To be honest, for some reason, I think I would benefit from having a nightmare tonight.

it's kinda like being in love with something that doesnt exist. like a vicious cycle of ever-deepening insanity.

Reading Psalms today, I came across #123. It's a good one, I think.

"yeah, no secrets."

"but doesn't real love last forever?"

so today I took my physics midterm. I failed it, I know. I wrote down a bunch of formulas, but I don't think I got a single answer, or even close. "oh Zac, I'm sure you did fine." no. I mean, I didn't write down a single answer, and I didn't even get close to writing one down.

roughly 12 hours ago I feel like I could have done that all at once, easily. why couldn't I do it today?

well, thinking about it. I decided that I am completely useless without my notes.

oh, and speaking of being useless. I am seriously considering deleting all the video games on my computer. it's a tough decision to make, but it is a good one if I can bring myself to make it.

Also speaking of useless, today I was thinking about how I live my life. it seems to me that when I pray, I am praying like God favors me and like I have such a hard life; when I sin, I feel like I am the worst person in the world... I had some really good examples earlier, but I forgot them, so we will have to work with what we have. The point is, my life is like a giant melodrama. I over-dramatize everything. My suffering is, in reality, insignificant by comparison to the suffering of people who... well, who actually suffer. Missionaries and all those starving people in wherever the last earthquake hit, you know, I don't keep up with those things (another fine example of a lack of purpose). I notice that other people around me are the same way. It isn't my place to judge them, but seriously, most of my friends and I have it pretty good. And thinking about that just makes me feel really worthless. I spend all my time looking for things to do, and if I can't find anything, I complain about it.

Then, when I think about how worthless I feel, I think I am giving myself way too much credit. I am not worthless, neither am I worth anything more than anyone else. I am "just" Zac. I am not a great leader, who changes the lives of millions of people on a daily basis. I am not homeless, and I have friends. I am a member of the majority class in this country. Brown haired, blue eyed, white American, with 60,000 in debt and a strong political opinion. I am totally spoiled.

like an open book

"casual, shy and obedient, curious and courtious."