There's a storm in my head right now, and I can't seem to dissipate it. I'm home alone until Thursday. Tonight I'm doing everything in my immediate power to reduce stress, and I'm dedicating my free time tomorrow and the day after to this task entirely.

Here's the music I'm into right now:

"Why don't you be more like him?"

"He's already a senior engineer. You have enough experience. Why aren't you a senior engineer yet?

"I'm sorry for comparing you to him. I won't do it again."

"I'm so glad that I'm married to someone who makes enough money for me to stay at home with Isaac."

"I'm not comparing you to him, but look at what he's doing; don't you want to do what he's done? Doesn't it show that you're not making what you're worth?"

"You should fight for a bigger raise."

"Look at how much he's making." 

I'm an engineer because it's what I like to do! I will not ruin it by transforming it into a battle for things I don't need. I would rather quit and be a freelance stick-figure artist than change jobs just for a bigger salary, or even get into an argument with anyone just to get a bigger raise.

I don't lack ambition. I place my ambition in things greater than money. I want contentment.

"Here's what I've done; see how I made progress at my job. Let's talk about how you can do this, too."

"Having heard my story, what are your thoughts? What do you think prevents you from doing as I've done?"

"[Let me tell you, at least 2 to 3 times per day, how wonderful it is that] I've provided a 600$/month flexible spending budget for my wife. She wasn't content without it, but now she's much more happy. Happy wife, happy life."

"Come on; let's finish that conversation from before. I wanna poke holes in your reason for not changing jobs. Why else don't you wanna switch and make more money?" 

"I just want you to make what I know you're worth." 

"You can get a bigger raise by switching jobs" 

I hate the rat race and I'd rather be homeless than join it!!

Anyone else wanna give me job advice?! Line up! Who else wants to tell me how much I'm worth?

I'll sooner die than want what everyone keeps telling me I'm inadequate for not having!!!! And hearing that I "should pursue it" makes me hate it all the more! Who in their right mind applies "should"s and "ought"s (moral imperatives) to financial gain? Maybe I'd have a bit of energy and motivation to pursue it if I wasn't so drained by your criticisms? Maybe It would be fun to explore, or even play against, the job market if I wasn't being measured by it.

I know that my pride alone doesn't stand a chance in a war against the USD; God help me.

Here's another good one:

"You haven't provided a secure environment for us. You aren't protecting me from the racist looks that people give me, or the impatience of strangers at the grocery store when you're not around. You're not protecting me from the noises that penetrate our apartment bedroom walls when our neighbors are loudly having sex. Simply complaining to the apartment manager, and applying for jobs out of state, wasn't enough. What are you going to do to fix it?"

"I don't trust anyone, and I can't trust anyone, and I won't trust anyone! How can I trust you?"

"You need to prove to me that you are going to be a good father for our next child. I'm glad that you walk Isaac for 1-2 hours each day, make breakfast and eat it with him each morning while I sleep, change his first diaper, and do the bedtime routine every night, but you don't act like these people I see in this youtube video. Let me show you a youtube video about a dad playing with his smart kid. See how much he's wrestling with his kid in the video? If you played with Isaac more like this, maybe he'd be more above-average than he already is!"

"You need to prove to me that you can handle more than one kid. You haven't proved yourself to me yet. If you're this tired after work, how can I expect you to have energy to give adequate attention to a second kid?"

I honestly have no idea what else I can do with the time that I have. Talk more to him? I don't think his world should be continuously narrated; I want to enjoy quiet with him, and we do that and play with each other look at each other and giggle often, and we do talk more than I talk to most other people (save Chowon alone) -- I love those times. I prefer to spend quality time with him, and it's easy to see that he enjoys it. The only thing that makes it negative, is when, from the entire opposite side of the house, a scolding tone comes, "Why aren't you talking to him more?" He's two years old! What else could I do? Wrestle with him more? I wrestle with him a little bit almost every day. How many minutes of wrestling per day before I'm a good dad?

"You should come pick up Isaac like this."

"You should go under the box fort with him right now. [I just randomly made this box fort without talking about it, and Isaac didn't even go into it until I told him to like 5 times, and I'm not going in there with my kid or yours, but you should. See, your wife agrees you should.]."

"Watch me do this; you should do it."

"This is a dad book -- you should read this to him." 

"You should have another video call with Gershom; I think Isaac would like that."

Please, tell me more about what you think my son would like. Please explain my son's character to me more. How can I better appease my wife's desire for money? Who is my wife anyway? How much money must I make before I'm a good spiritual leader in my house?

Here's another one:

No, without guile, I'm selfish for being angry with him -- angry with him for loudly suggesting over and over, in front of my wife and kid, that I entertain Isaac in the way that he's entertaining his kid (or sometimes in apparently random ways per his whim), rather than simply letting me approach my kid on my own terms -- selfish because that anger distracts me from my son. It's a mistake this experience has helped teach me to avoid.

Another one:

Maybe I'm unusually slow in my approach to Isaac... but I'm slow to approach everyone and everything. I measure my target before I engage; I prepare the room before I sit to relax; I organize all my soaps and scrubbers in advance before I clean a thing; I draw a design before I build a machine. It isn't that I don't do a thing; it's not that I don't engage with Isaac (if that were the case, then I wouldn't be engaging with Isaac as often as I am) -- I want to look at what he's doing; try to discern what he's immediately interested in and his emotional state; I want to thoughtfully develop a creative activity which matches the environment, myself, and him, all at once, and I do it at a slower pace than my wife, or her friend's husband, or her youtube subscription family. 

I feel like I keep getting intercepted en route to Isaac -- while I'm genuinely focused on him -- and accused of being inattentive.

I'm selfish for writing this blog about it. If I truly exemplified the unconditional love which God calls me to have, I would simply forgive, and having forgiven, I would have no need to vent these things. But to whom can I vent anyway? 

This blog has only two regular readers, both in eastern Europe, and I'm increasingly convinced that they're robots. 

This has always been my place to vent. Maybe it's a childish thing, to post these publically, and maybe I should grow out of it... I suppose, if I get any pushback on this post, I'll either terminate this blog or formally dedicate it, exclusively, to lighter (or perhaps more obscure) content.

Watch me making excuses for myself. Perhaps my behavior is simply inadequate.

I really don't have time to write all this. I don't have time to rest.

"Are you emotionally drained?"