I wish pixel artists were cheap -- like 10$/sprite sheet or something like that.

I was thinking about it... and I think I've come to terms with the idea that, although I'm confident in the legitimacy of several arguments for God, I don't think that my belief in God really comes from any of those. I wanna emphasize: the apologetic arguments are valuable and valid. But for me personally, I think I just have plain old faith. If someone tore down every argument I have for God's existence and showed me that I have no argument in favor of God, then I am pretty convinced that I would still believe. And why? Well, there's really no alternative for me. To whom shall I go? Jesus has the words of eternal life, and I have believed, and have come to know, that he is the Holy One of God. My worldview is built on the hope of my salvation; I get sick at the thought of abandoning it; there's no hope outside of Jesus.

This is what I'm listening to lately. (This isn't the normal style that I put up here, but I listen to a lot more than what I post here):

Here's the next transcription from my notebook. I'm calling this one "Gentleness". You might notice that the marriage of church and Christ is a theme in these. I'm a little embarrassed by the perspective in this, but I don't want to change what I wrote. There are a bunch of marriages thematically explored in the notebook: Christ and church, me and my wife, poet and poem, dreamer and dream, adulterer and adulteress. I've been switching back and forth in my notebook between writing as church and husband. I learn about how to be a good man by reading about how God tends to his church. He leads her in the path of righteousness, making her a strong wall, her breasts towers (Song 8:10), attracting his full attention (Proverbs 5:19-20), keeping out wayward and idolatrous enemies of the marriage (Jer 1:18, 15:20), housing comfort in the storm, standing strong against the breath of the ruthless (Isa 25:4). But doesn't she constantly complain about how he leads her? Isn't she always saying, "a good leader would rather lead me this way, not that way" as if the only good leader is one who lets her lead instead? I've been processing the meaning of marriage and my role as husband in a big way. I find myself revisiting the same pieces of that puzzle over and over, but like a frustrating apologetic discussion, sometimes you have to go in circles for a while before you find the key that opens a door to a new path of argument; intellectual progress. 

This poem in particular represents an aspect of marriage that I have to remind myself of almost every day. Sometimes it feels like my wife's attitude toward me is like my attitude toward God, always asking "when are you coming back to me?", "why did you let X happen?", "why won't you make your plan clear to me?", "how long until you come home? don't you love me?", "don't you care about your church?", acting and letting myself feel as if God isn't concerned with me, as if his work in preparing a place for me in heaven isn't as important as him just coming home and being here with me physically, as if I don't recognize the presence of his spirit, and so I get frustrated with God when things don't go the way I expect them to. Those things hurt me when they are directed toward me from my wife; "Why do you spend so much time working? Don't you care about your family? You should come home early today." is something I feel like I keep hearing, whereas I have also heard, "why aren't you making more money? Don't you care about your family? You should get a second job.", or in a heated argument, "I hate you; I don't feel loved". But God humbles me by showing me that this is my very attitude toward God. God has taught me a way to find comfort and contentment in every situation, and I must constantly remember to walk in that way. Humbling myself toward my wife, regularly recommitting myself to work harder to provide for her as well as to encourage her and make time for her, to validate her emotions and listen to her concerns, to recognize my weakness and strive to learn to be a better man for her, is a small thing compared to the infinite condescension of the God-Man.

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My father chastens me, but my husband does not.

His absence is sorrow enough. How can I ever drive him away?

Though he judges the world, with me he does not fight fire with fire.

He bears me on his shoulders. Though my sin is hatred of him

He freely absorbs the pain of my sin and it kills him.

But not just my sin. He absorbed the hatred of innumerable people.

Being fully man he proved that God made man to endure much more than I will ever have to.

I was made with the capacity to endure the hatred of just one person, or many more.

And if I can't endure, I am called to give up my life for her.

My husband in his perfect love did so and still lives.

So I, following the leadership of my lord and shepherd, live also.

My life ended with a promise.
My life ends again each day.
Here I die again.

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"I was facing the full wrath of hell. I was facing a good death as well."