I miss my fiance...

I don't know how to be optimally loving. I have a friend who is dying of cancer. He'll probably last a few more weeks, but his condition is getting to be unbearable for him, and even with my help we aren't managing the funds to pay for his medicine (which is mostly just stuff to help him keep food down, and a mild pain killer). He found some lady who buys his meds in Mexico and sells them in the states for half of US prices, but it's still $60/day for the bundle. He invited another homeless guy to live with him, which turned out to be a great idea because he can't manage himself outside for very long anymore without puking, which means he relies on the other guy to make rent in their extended stay hotel room.

As far as I know, he has no living relatives who are interested in him. He's probably in his 60s, and has never been married. He had a house he was renting, but that burned down not more than a few weeks ago. From what I can tell, the landlord isn't making him pay for it (not that he could either). He had a friend who used to help him out by purchasing some sort of rugged storage container that he makes. Since discovering that he only had a few months left to live, he'd sold his friend several containers on credit, hoping that his friend's good faith would help pay for medicine. The bill is $500, and his friend isn't going to pay. His friend fully intends to allow him to die suffering in order to avoid paying that money. He lost the draw for military benefits, but he has more than enough characteristic scars, stories, and legitimate info to prove his veterancy (as far as I'm concerned. You can be skeptical, but you'd be wrong).

He's got a really sweet personality, but sometimes he makes off color remarks about Vietnamese people. He found out I had a Korean fiance and then asked me if I was offended by his racism toward Vietnamese people (not in those words). I told him that there's nothing wrong with not liking someone as long as you aren't hurting anyone. He says he's fine with Koreans. lol. He believes in God, but he's not very well versed in doctrine... not that it matters; he get's the point, and his sins are forgiven. He's always telling me about how I must have great karma. I haven't corrected him about that. I figure it isn't worth it to try and talk him into an accurate view of God. I don't even have an accurate view of God. All that matters is that he knows God loves him. His roommate is trying to talk him into getting a weed card. I admit that I think it would be a good thing for him, but he is militantly opposed to any drugs or alcohol (except tobacco apparently), and I can respect that.

I'm totally lost for this guy. I can't give him anything that will help him. Nothing at all that I do will fix his situation. The best I can hope for is to make him happy, but that really isn't what I'm good at. Today I went to see him, to drop off some nicer clothes (he managed to get a "date" with a lady he met at church and was kinda excited about it). He was on his bed when I got there. He had postponed the date because we didn't get him his meds today. He came out on the patio to hang out with me, lit up a cigarette, and smoked about half of it before going back in and throwing up. He told me about his crappy day, and I was interested to hear it, but I only said "yeah" and "huh", because I can't think of anything at all to tell him. I just want him to know that he isn't alone. He told me he wanted to get back in bed, and I said I'd talk to him later, and went back to the car and tried not to cry about it.

Life sucks, but we're all in this together. I'm becoming increasingly convinced: realizing that is what separates God's servants from atheists, and Christians from Pharisees.

I have saved up exactly zero dollars for my wedding. Chowon knows where my priorities are, and although I think she wouldn't like the idea of me not having money, she would agree that showing love to this person (and a few others I've been hanging with off and on) takes precedence over me. God is at the center of our wedding, and he will provide for us. I'm sure of it.

"Don't you know who you're dealing with?"

This song has a cool rhythm... but I think the [trumpet?] breakdown kinda does it a disservice.

Writing about how I don't know how to write about what I want to write about having to write about seems to have helped me to remember how much I like writing about stuff. I saw a commercial for the movie Lucy. On one hand, it has Morgan Freeman's voice in it... on the other hand, I already know what the plot is gonna be... it's probably gonna have some cool graphics... ...    ... I don't have money to waste on movies.

I finally decided on a game engine for that game I was gonna make. It's not that I took forever because I was thinking carefully about it. I simply wasn't looking for one. I still need to finish my plot and character flowchart. I'm gonna use Unity. Oh well.

"I'm a fire breathing tourist with five (count 'em) faces drawn on my belly."

*blaaaah*

I've been dying to get back to that series I was writing before, but [brace for excuses] I've just been too tired, and work is mentally draining, and even on the weekends I don't feel like thinking hard, and Chowon and I haven't been talking much and she is my best "primary" outlet, which would otherwise allow me to reach a state of emotional relaxedness conducive to self development. Like, before I can cook my meal and eat it, I have to go to the grocery store and stock my kitchen -- before I can put any focus on self-development, I have to get all my baggage out of the way. If a spring is under a lot of stress to begin with, it's not gonna be very springy when you bounce stuff on it; if you destress it first, then it can bounce better.

This blog is kindof like a place where I can get baggage out of the way, but these days it's not the kind of baggage that I need to talk about to get off my chest. It's more like, I have been focusing at 70-95% (oscillatory) all day, and I need to give my CPU a break before it melts.

I'd really like to finish the series, though...

Oh well. I wanna give a shout-out to this post. I think it's right on the money.

http://lindsayleighbentley.com/2014/06/30/i-am-ryland-the-story-of-a-male-identifying-little-girl-who-didnt-transition/

When I was a kid, (not exaggerating at all, ask my mom), I would assert for weeks at a time that the sky was green, the grass was blue, that I was king of the insects, and that I was able to interpret bee language and have regular conversation with ant hills. My parents would double check me to make sure I knew the truth, and then they would just play along with me. As long as I knew the truth, it wasn't a big deal. Nowadays I'm scared poopless of bugs, but that's beside the point.

The point is it doesn't matter what you say about yourself when you're 5 years old. Parents ought to give their kids the honest and consistent truth until they get old enough to grasp the nature of people and the world around them, and then make their own decisions (whether that be for or against reality).

Ok, now for my bigoted, horrible, white Christian male opinion. Nobody listen, please. Everyone disregard me because this opinion is officially worthless to the world as soon as my skin color and physical gender are taken into consideration (*cough cough insovietrussiaracismhatesyou cough*).

In the case of transgender, we really need to come up with new gender terms to differentiate physical gender and emotional gender. If that clarification isn't made, and if we teach kids that by saying they're [opposite gender from reality] they become that, then we're teaching our kids to practice illogical thinking. If you only have male parts, then you are decidedly not a female physically. However, for the sake of argument, suppose you can have male parts and be a female psychologically. In that case, for a five year old, the parents shouldn't tell the male kid, "ok, you're a girl." because a girl has female parts, and a male has male parts, and you're gonna really confuse that kid when he gets older if you don't give the kid a sex change pre-puberty, which is a dangerous procedure and has potential to cause hormonal imbalances that negatively affect your cognitive functions during your entire life. Our English language wasn't necessarily built with normalization of perverts and sexual deviants in mind, so as that sort of thing becomes normalized we should at least develop new terms to avoid confusion.

"we came down from the north;
blue hands and a torch.
we share our mother's health.
it is what we've been dealt."