Dear Lord, please give me focus, strength of mind, insight into the workings of all my projects, a quickness to spot flaws in my designs and skill to repair them. Father, bless my days and make them full with productivity, such that I can meet my calling head-on and be prepared to support my love well.
"I'm walking down the highway with my suitcase in my hand. Lord, I really miss my baby; she's in some foreign land."
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Today I learned a little bit.
There was a girl who was talking about her past relationships; she said that she had a bad breakup, so she got back at her boyfriend by quickly finding another guy who liked her and going out with him and telling her ex about it. She said "it worked" and "he almost got back together with [her]" and she doesn't feel guilty at all.
I don't know how to feel about it. First of all, I don't think I would ever get back together with a girl who did that to me. ... That kind of thing... I feel like that kind of behavior is so ... I guess the only good way to put it is "beneath me". But the reason it startles me, is that this girl is someone who I know, and who is definitely not beneath me. No, honestly, I consider that kind of emotional gameplay to be completely detestable.
I was initially torn between trying to sympathize with her or justify the behavior, and being disgusted by her. That's when I realized two things:
1. I am super judgmental, and I need to cool it or I'm gonna become a douche or a snob. If someone does something I don't like, I need to remember that we are equals, and that I've also done plenty of things I don't like.
2. It's a similar situation with my dad. I don't like what he did, and I consider it to be detestable, but I don't have to choose between respecting him 100% or 0%. I can 100% respect the good things that he's done, and I can 0% respect the bad, all the while 100% honoring and loving him.
Dad is my father, and he is a part of my family, which gives him a deeply rooted emotional bond to each of us in the family. We are each ethereally responsible for his actions, by a connection for which there is no metric -- an idea that people just know because it's unanimous. Like love: we have a word for it, but we don't really know what it is. Dad is (still) the mighty patriarch of my family, and for the first 18 years of the lives of all his children, we bent to his will.
Dad is all that, but he is also a person. He is my equal as a sinner, and we are failures together, held together by God just like the rest of mankind. If we can't accept our status as imperfect or incapable, we will never be able to move forward and have peace at the same time. We can take this thorn in our sides -- bad decisions are like a single stake on which we are all impaled together -- and use it to bring us closer together in a new way. Nobody said it would be easy to live with, but it doesn't have to kill us.
Just remember, God loves us. Jesus sees all this flash before his eyes in an instant and then says "God, forgive them, because they don't know what they are doing." This is just more dirt that we need to shower off.
"You are so precious to me!"
There was a girl who was talking about her past relationships; she said that she had a bad breakup, so she got back at her boyfriend by quickly finding another guy who liked her and going out with him and telling her ex about it. She said "it worked" and "he almost got back together with [her]" and she doesn't feel guilty at all.
I don't know how to feel about it. First of all, I don't think I would ever get back together with a girl who did that to me. ... That kind of thing... I feel like that kind of behavior is so ... I guess the only good way to put it is "beneath me". But the reason it startles me, is that this girl is someone who I know, and who is definitely not beneath me. No, honestly, I consider that kind of emotional gameplay to be completely detestable.
I was initially torn between trying to sympathize with her or justify the behavior, and being disgusted by her. That's when I realized two things:
1. I am super judgmental, and I need to cool it or I'm gonna become a douche or a snob. If someone does something I don't like, I need to remember that we are equals, and that I've also done plenty of things I don't like.
2. It's a similar situation with my dad. I don't like what he did, and I consider it to be detestable, but I don't have to choose between respecting him 100% or 0%. I can 100% respect the good things that he's done, and I can 0% respect the bad, all the while 100% honoring and loving him.
Dad is my father, and he is a part of my family, which gives him a deeply rooted emotional bond to each of us in the family. We are each ethereally responsible for his actions, by a connection for which there is no metric -- an idea that people just know because it's unanimous. Like love: we have a word for it, but we don't really know what it is. Dad is (still) the mighty patriarch of my family, and for the first 18 years of the lives of all his children, we bent to his will.
Dad is all that, but he is also a person. He is my equal as a sinner, and we are failures together, held together by God just like the rest of mankind. If we can't accept our status as imperfect or incapable, we will never be able to move forward and have peace at the same time. We can take this thorn in our sides -- bad decisions are like a single stake on which we are all impaled together -- and use it to bring us closer together in a new way. Nobody said it would be easy to live with, but it doesn't have to kill us.
Just remember, God loves us. Jesus sees all this flash before his eyes in an instant and then says "God, forgive them, because they don't know what they are doing." This is just more dirt that we need to shower off.
"You are so precious to me!"
Monday, March 4, 2013
Today is like a song that never ends.
Whenever I think about it, my mind turns into a cloud and I can't focus too hard on it. I'm stuck, like there's this emotion I'm supposed to be feeling, but I don't know what it is and I can't feel it until I figure it out. It makes me wonder about the rest of my emotions. I laughed with my friends today, but even then I had this in the back of my head. Does that mean that my happiness was fake?
...
No, probably not. That kind of happiness is like an ice cube. It helps, but after a while it melts.
Between Thursday night and Sunday night I had a really hard time talking to God.
Today was better. The prayer meeting was really good for me.
I am really addicted to this song right now.
The intro is a little annoying, but the rest of the song is cool. I think I might learn it next.
...Idk though. Sonata Pathetic is gonna take me a while.
Right now I feel like an angel-food-cake that's been sitting out: poofy and empty, but also thick and ...wait...no... I'm just hungry and tired.
"The salt in my pillow gave God praise in my absence."
Whenever I think about it, my mind turns into a cloud and I can't focus too hard on it. I'm stuck, like there's this emotion I'm supposed to be feeling, but I don't know what it is and I can't feel it until I figure it out. It makes me wonder about the rest of my emotions. I laughed with my friends today, but even then I had this in the back of my head. Does that mean that my happiness was fake?
...
No, probably not. That kind of happiness is like an ice cube. It helps, but after a while it melts.
Between Thursday night and Sunday night I had a really hard time talking to God.
Today was better. The prayer meeting was really good for me.
I am really addicted to this song right now.
...Idk though. Sonata Pathetic is gonna take me a while.
Right now I feel like an angel-food-cake that's been sitting out: poofy and empty, but also thick and ...wait...no... I'm just hungry and tired.
"The salt in my pillow gave God praise in my absence."
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Sometimes, it seems like I look down at myself from above, and I judge myself. Like I say to my self, about myself, "look at that person. I'm glad I am not that way."
I need to talk to my brother soon and "process the process". Will it tell me the way to feel? Maybe it's better if I don't find out the way to feel. Maybe it's better if I never know what I'm thinking.
Will it impact my grades? Will it hurt terribly?
Will they lose their ministry? Will they be ok?
Will I be able to make better decisions in the future? Can I learn from other's mistakes, or am I destined to repeat history?
Are the person I am, the person I want to be, and the person I should be, all walking on the same road? Is it safe to have a person who I want to be? Should I make a distinction between "want to be" and "try to be"?
I belong to the family, and I belong to the situation, but I can't fix it -- and it seems like I shouldn't try to fix it. So what am I?
"'Do you believe the things you're saying?' Yeah, right now, but not that often."
I need to talk to my brother soon and "process the process". Will it tell me the way to feel? Maybe it's better if I don't find out the way to feel. Maybe it's better if I never know what I'm thinking.
Will it impact my grades? Will it hurt terribly?
Will they lose their ministry? Will they be ok?
Will I be able to make better decisions in the future? Can I learn from other's mistakes, or am I destined to repeat history?
Are the person I am, the person I want to be, and the person I should be, all walking on the same road? Is it safe to have a person who I want to be? Should I make a distinction between "want to be" and "try to be"?
I belong to the family, and I belong to the situation, but I can't fix it -- and it seems like I shouldn't try to fix it. So what am I?
"'Do you believe the things you're saying?' Yeah, right now, but not that often."
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