so so so tired.

everything i write may cause me trouble

why write?

"ignore your problems. pretend they don't exist"

Chowon left yesterday, and she deactivated her facebook account..... :/

Everything loses color for a while.

School is almost over. We have 12 hours before the project is due... and the summer camps came and said 'hey you guys have 1 hour to get out of this room'.
...... so first off, we've spent the past 6 weeks in there for about 13hours/day on average. Secondly, we had a minifridge in the room. Thirdly, we, as individuals, spent more on that summer class than a whole group of highschoolers from first presbaptecostelerian church of barging in and making us move. Fourth, our timely graduations depend on our grades in this class, and the project is still very fragile. Fifth, it's been an hour and they're still not here.

We should have just stayed and left our stuff spread out all over the room; then when they came to take the room, we should have said "hey guys, as you can see it'll take a while for us to get out of here, and moving the project just might mean an extra semester at this school. The amount of money that would cost us can easily pay for whatever time you'll lose by going somewhere else with your class... so maybe you should just go have your youth meeting in the freakin lobby."

Right now Josue is working diligently on the box. There really isn't anything anyone else can do at the moment, as we're down to just putting wires together. It's kindof a one-person job, and Josue has the best knowledge of the setup at the moment.


I really don't like the situation that has us in this classroom.


Oh well... I'm tired and I don't wanna be here anymore.

God bless and forgive those freaking campers.

Chowon's phone is off....

Tonight, I am in a bad mood and have not the remedy I wanted. I took a shower to calm down. Up next is some hot tea and chapter 20/22. Yesterday God got a high-five for his quick, efficient destruction of Babylon, Jesus' symbolic purpose was clarified, and all the kings and great men were eaten by birds.

Now I a running start in mind for tomorrow have, and a difficult evening of tongue biting and code grinding.

"Statant xylene revolution?"

I wrote a pretty long blog about being in a bad mood earlier... Now I figure it's best that blog stay private.

What's good that I can think about before going to bed?....

God blessed me today by letting me hear Chowon's voice some more. Chowon is such a great blessing to me.

God, please bless my relationship with Chowon. Please keep her safe and let her feel your love through me. Let us both bring one another closer to you for as long as your word is with us. Let us learn to love you in a way which blesses you, and let us be blessings to everyone around us for the glory of Your kingdom.

...

Oh man... and help me with the Circuits and Digital Electronics finals, please... thanks.

"It's something that's a little hard to understand. It looks like a circle, but not a perfect circle."

Sometimes I go back and read my old blogs and am really embarrassed by what I wrote. ... but I think it's a good thing for me to feel that, because it teaches me to be confident in what I write and to write things that I can be confident in. I usually don't go back and change what I've written, except on very rare occasion.

I'm learning C#, and I hope that it will make me a better computer engineer as well as allow me to make programs more compatible with more people's computers. By her request, I wrote a program for Chowon in Java recently, and she didn't have the JRE, so she couldn't run it. That was a little bit embarrassing... But anyway, it's a good thing I found out about that because I was working on a much more complex program for her, and now I know that I shouldn't do it until I'm fluent in a language more readily executable by Chowon's computer.

Right now, Mihary is playing my keyboard in the living room. I'm glad that little thing is getting some use. It's too short for most of the songs I know, so I don't use it often.

"Up ahead is a crossroads, which way will you go?"
"Are you still listening?"
"There is no such thing as being bound by fate."
"Your haphazard heartbeats tell a foggy tale."
"Ignore those frustrations and make up your mind already."
"Believe that good things will come to those who wait."
"Just like always, I love you."
"I will never forget you, my precious memory."

2nd digital midterm tomorrow. Finals next week.

...

I should seriously just go to bed.

...

But I don't want to stop listening to music....

"If you come up against a hurdle.. fight for the things you believe in.. passion, joy, sorrow, pain, and tears."

This week I haven't done much Circuits Homework. The professor fell a bit behind, so we hadn't covered any of the homework material, and up till a while ago I'd been borrowing a book. So when we got completely behind it was just too much work to borrow a book each night to learn and do homework together. Even at the beginning of the semester, when everything made sense, homework was taking like 7 hours -- and not just for me. We would all work together and still go up past 5 hours of work on one homework set. These sets are each night, and it's cool when you know the material, but if it hasn't been covered, then that puts the homework up to like 10 hours of straight studying just to get it done. There's just no way for me to do that and still manage the digital homework and sleep and also two jobs.

But today I got my own circuits book in the mail finally, so next week is gonna be a brand new start for this work.

The people in the arts and sciences finally told me I wasn't allowed to use their coffee machine anymore. They said that it was because every engineer has a math minor, so I need more than that to get coffee. .... I'm thinking about declaring a CS minor...... I'm also thinking about bringing my own coffee machine to the classroom.

Chowon's package also came in the mail today^^** I feel sortof bad because of the way things were around her sending it. I was kindof a jerk... I hope she doesn't have any hard feelings about that.. I got a new cross necklace, some real Korean Ramen, and a card<3 It was really sweet. I'm really excited to eat the noodles :D The cross necklace was perfect, too, because God took my old cross necklace back to the ocean a while back, and then her bracelet she gave me was lost when I got ponded.... Which really really sucks..... but now I have a new cross necklace and a new article to wear for Chowon. I can wear my loyalty to God and Chowon at once:)

God has been reaching out to me these days, saying "Zac, come spend more time with me." -- and I can feel his pull. I have been really distracted these days. I will work harder to prioritize God.

I had a dream last night where I was in a hallway with a girl I used to know. On one end of the hallway was a living room with my family in it, and they were all having a good time. On the other end of the hallway was Chowon, putting on her shoes so we could go out on a date and then return to the family. In my dream, there was this red bead on the floor, and I was arguing with the girl over who would pick it up, and the whole time I had Chowon in the back of my mind; I impatiently wanted to go be with her, but this issue in the hallway was using my time. :/ I woke up as if it were from a nightmare, but it wasn't all that bad really.
When I woke up, Shane was talking in his sleep.

I'm gonna call Chowon and then go to bed.

"Here we go again."

I don't wanna stay awake. I don't feel like being happy. I just want time to pass so that it can be time for me to study again, because studying is the wall in my timeline standing between me and tomorrow night. Tomorrow night I get to talk to Chowon.

I have this heavy feeling in my chest and a voice in my mind saying "she doesn't wanna talk to you". Last time she talked to me she was happy... I feel like we've argued a lot lately. I know it has been a long time between arguments, but we only get a few hours per week so one argument means a whole week before I know how "over it" she has become, if any at all. Maybe I just think too much about it. We haven't really argued that much I guess. I'm stuck because I can't always know what her feelings are about our relationship. I keep catching myself wondering "does she still miss me?" "does she still think about me?" "does she still want us?". I know the answer to all those questions: "of course"... but my fear creeps in despite me.

I've been  thinking a lot about that fear and those questions, and that weird line of thought that pulls doubt from the back to the front of my mind. Reason and my impulses tell me I have nothing to worry about, and that worrying probably does more harm than good... but worry sneaks in anyway. Why? Well, to be honest... and this is probably gonna sound really stupid... but... ok, so all my life I've been taught about spiritual warfare and the way demons fight against angels around us to destroy our well-being. I think that it's like that. These feelings are obviously lies, because Chowon is trustworthy and she says she loves me, so they can't be from God. There's some other reasoning trains I've gone down, too, trying to weigh this against what I know about listening to God... but long-story-short I think that the devil is working against the relationship. I mean, look at it: We're commanded to examine our thoughts, know ourselves, and measure things against God's word and what we know to be good for God's kingdom as well as what he's told us about his will. Doubts like that hurt me and Chowon alike; they don't advance the kingdom; and I've established that they are rooted in fear and false assumptions. They are obviously not from God, and I know myself better than to think that I generated these on my own... I think... And that leaves just the devil.

What I know from experience is that when the devil wants to keep something from happening, that means that it's something really great for God's kingdom. I have been praying lots and lots that Chowon's relationship with me would build her up and build her relationship with God and produce lots of good stuff for the kingdom.. so maybe God intends to answer those prayers affirmatively and the devil knows it.

Anyway it confirms for me that my relationship with Chowon is right where I should be, and it makes me more sure that it is God's plan for me to be with her at this time.

Other than that, nothing's really happening.
I really enjoy the job. It's pretty relaxed. Maybe I'll have enough money to make a trip after all. Santiago wants to come.
School is hard, but when is it not?

...
oh! And it's Dan's birthday! Happy Birthday, Dan! 28~~ you're so old!

"In whose world do I exist?"