Enjoying this song right now:

Today I took a huge blow to my contentment, and I struggled a lot all day in order to be happy and interested in my work. However, some good things happened today as well, which, when combined, really contributed to me not losing my mind, and eventually to me sort-of recovering. I still don't feel completely myself, but almost.

For starters, Dan and Chowon both called me right after the thing happened, which was the first event of the morning after I'd showered and such. Both of them encouraged me a lot, though I was still very much reeling when I was on the phone with Dan, so it was awkward when I ran out of things to say about it.

Then my composer friend HDJR2 (shout out) responded to my questions about art, and his response was really thoughtful and insightful. (He didn't say this directly, but his comments lead me to conclude that) the "human element" I was looking for isn't found in methods or structures of art that are so esoteric that they become subjective, but rather it is found in the inspiration, which is from God. All humans have a need to be in community with God, and every good thing is from God, so a good piece of art is inspired by God, and that's how it bridges the gap between people. So, he said that if I want to experiment with styles that's fine, but that I shouldn't burden myself with trying to add structure if it isn't what I feel inspired to do. Overall, it was really encouraging. I seriously consider it an honor to be friends with him; it's a privilege I don't deserve.

Then I had a great conversation with God on my way to work. I pulled off to a place in the desert where there wasn't much traffic, and I realized that it's the first time in several years that I have really felt alone and not in danger of being interrupted by anyone. It's a special feeling that I took for granted when I used to live near large patches of nature where I could go and hide. God's responses to my prayers really helped me to process the situation today.

Then at work I got another phone call from Chowon, wherein she let me know about the good things happening with her these days, and I was so blessed to hear the happiness in her voice. What a treasure she is! I've found a jewel worth more than all of my material wealth.

And finally, despite my sudden and sharp disinterest with this place, my work tonight was engaging. I had breaks at times which were incidentally appropriate, and my attention was captured right when I needed to be distracted again.

God definitely heard my prayers tonight, and he has orchestrated the day in a way that comforts me supremely.

Even so, there's fog in the road ahead of me. I have no idea what the next two months will look like, but I know what my immediate next steps have to be. Just a few hours ago I was terrified of it. Now, glory to the Most High King, I am reconciled with my fear.

This will be an adventure.