Today I woke up, took a shower, ate breakfast, and then sat for 11 hours in front of my computer (not including about 3 hours of breaks I took here and there. I've been awake for approx 15 hours). I finished my PCB schematic for my single board computer from top to bottom.
This is the type of work that I love to do -- when I can focus on one subject for the whole day and focus my mind to its fullest ability. I love learning other stuff, like Chemistry and Shakespeare and Busyness for Engineers, but... well, on one hand, I wish I were doing just one of them. If I had all semester to focus on just Chemistry I would master it and enjoy it 100%, but since I have to do several things I can't focus hard on any of them. On the other hand, if I never did anything but Computer Engineering, I'd probably go insane or something.
Oh man... my mind is kinda shutting down. I'd better get to bed.
"I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it"
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
So... I was thinking about wisdom and Ecclesiastes and considering the meaning of our day to day actions.
There was a time when I didn't wonder why I was alive. Sometime after that, I realized that actions should have purpose, but that most actions of myself and the people around me lacked apparent purpose. Furthermore, I saw that the material things I considered to be valuable were eternally worthless.
For a long time I saw life as inherently meaningless, and full of meaningless things and meaningless actions. A recent XKCD comic eloquently put it "A human is a system for converting dust billions of years ago into dust billions of years from now via a roundabout process which involves checking email a lot."
However, no matter how much I break life and existence down into parts and facts which yield it no value, I could not escape my emotions. I'm not saying that the presence of my emotions proved my life to be any more or less valuable -- just that I had them and I couldn't get rid of them, no matter how valueless I made existence.
At first, the inescapable desire for happiness and the undeniable presence of pain taught me, in short, "It doesn't matter that it doesn't matter." That is, even if life is completely worthless, I will achieve happiness in the way I think is best, no matter what... right? Wrong. If life is completely worthless and I live under that paradigm, then pursuing happiness on my own will always be unfulfilling because the happiness will always be temporary, and I'll just keep coming back to the question "Why does it matter if I am happy?".
Seeing little earthly answer to that question, I wondered at which happiness (without mention of God) is most long-lasting. After some consideration, I decided that happiness is most durable when it comes in a group (mutual happiness with friends or a loved one). Group happiness is achieved by providing some kind of good or service to the group without expecting return.
Now, combining a few of these points: All my stuff is eternally worthless; the best happiness comes from giving to the group. It seems to follow that I would make my goal to just give all my stuff away.
But we know that isn't the answer. First of all, if I gave away all my stuff, I'd have nothing left to give, and I'd end up unhappy again. Second of all, this only attempts to solve the problem of "purpose", which wasn't even the problem I was trying to solve. The problem I was aiming for was that there didn't seem to be "value" in life.
All this time I knew the answer, but I didn't reach out and touch it. God gives us value and purpose. He loves us, and he give us an infinite stash to give away. God even gives us a means to happiness *achievable on earth*, which never runs dry and always satisfies. Stephen in Acts found it. That happiness stems exactly from the realization that nothing matters. It turns meaninglessness into value. It says, "these things on earth came from dust, and will return to dust, but I have a Father in heaven who loves me." and it even goes so far as to say "Here, take my valuable possessions and please be blessed by them. I don't need them, because I have happiness endlessly."
"When he had said this, he fell asleep."
Friday, February 15, 2013
I had a dream last night that I took Chowon to a jewelry store to get her fitted with a ring. We went to the first store, and the shopkeeper left and said he'd be back, but didn't come back, so we left. At the second store, I stepped out for a moment because I heard something crash outside and I wanted to check it out. I didn't see anything, so I came back inside.
There I found out that the shopkeeper was recommending a really expensive piece of jewelry to Chowon by saying it would help her fit in in the U.S.. I got so mad at that shopkeeper for using that to sell stuff to Chowon. I said something to the shopkeeper, bought the piece for Chowon, and then left to avoid making a scene. Before we got to the third jewelry store, the city was overrun by robots and Chowon and I were swept away by some kind of space militia. The rest of the dream was awesome robot fighting action.
I don't have an interpretation for this dream. It was just a fun dream.
Today I am helping with card readers. I guess I'd better get onto my morning stuff so I won't be late.
"If I turn right at the corner, I may see the rough road you have been down. If I turn left, I may see all the stones you have thrown."
There I found out that the shopkeeper was recommending a really expensive piece of jewelry to Chowon by saying it would help her fit in in the U.S.. I got so mad at that shopkeeper for using that to sell stuff to Chowon. I said something to the shopkeeper, bought the piece for Chowon, and then left to avoid making a scene. Before we got to the third jewelry store, the city was overrun by robots and Chowon and I were swept away by some kind of space militia. The rest of the dream was awesome robot fighting action.
I don't have an interpretation for this dream. It was just a fun dream.
Today I am helping with card readers. I guess I'd better get onto my morning stuff so I won't be late.
"If I turn right at the corner, I may see the rough road you have been down. If I turn left, I may see all the stones you have thrown."
Monday, February 4, 2013
"A self-ordained professor's tongue,
Too serious to fool,
Spouted out that liberty
Is just equality in school.
'Equality,' I spoke the word
As if a wedding vow
...
In a soldier's stance, I aimed my hand
At the mongrel dogs who teach
Fearing not that I'd become my enemy
In the instant that I preach
My pathway led by confusion boats
Mutiny from stern to bow
...
Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect
Good and bad, I defined these terms
Quite clear, no doubt, some how,
Ah but I was so much older then
I'm younger than that now."
Cheers today to Bob Dylan, who knew that grey areas seem to widen as you get older, but that failure to know what you believe indicates little wisdom and little backbone.
Sena is here! I'm so glad I got to see her and Sam.
I miss Chowon :/
Well, I have a lot of homework to do.
...
Erg... I'm gonna be up much later than I intended.
Sometimes I am suddenly struck with this feeling, like I have a vision of a good future, but that I might never achieve it... like everything I love is on a track next to me, and if I stop running or slow down for a minute I'll lose it all.
This is the future I want:
- A job that pays the bills for my family to live somewhere safe.
-- I want to be a valuable asset to my company, but I never want to reach the top. I want to sit in one area of the company until I know it well and have seen a few projects succeed, then I want to move somewhere where I can learn another aspect of the company or product development. I'd like to have bosses that are happy with my performance, or better yet, gaining great success off my performance while I sit happily under them; and happily there have freedom to roam departments and learn a company inside and out.
- A wife who supports me and says she loves me when I leave
-- I want to be the husband who helps wash dishes and take out the trash, and then when I am done I want to put the kids to bed, knock out whatever tax crap has to be done, and then snuggle.
- Kids who give me hugs when I return home and kisses before bed
-- I want to raise my kids approximately the way I was raised. I want to make sure they feel secure and loved, and I want to help them to understand the value of wisdom.
- A church family who prays with me
-- I intend to give my tithe and help out where I can. I know I can't be a part of every mission the church attacks, but I intend to back them however I can. I think my gift is prayer, and I hope to pray for lots of people.
...
Erg... I'm gonna be up much later than I intended.
Sometimes I am suddenly struck with this feeling, like I have a vision of a good future, but that I might never achieve it... like everything I love is on a track next to me, and if I stop running or slow down for a minute I'll lose it all.
This is the future I want:
- A job that pays the bills for my family to live somewhere safe.
-- I want to be a valuable asset to my company, but I never want to reach the top. I want to sit in one area of the company until I know it well and have seen a few projects succeed, then I want to move somewhere where I can learn another aspect of the company or product development. I'd like to have bosses that are happy with my performance, or better yet, gaining great success off my performance while I sit happily under them; and happily there have freedom to roam departments and learn a company inside and out.
- A wife who supports me and says she loves me when I leave
-- I want to be the husband who helps wash dishes and take out the trash, and then when I am done I want to put the kids to bed, knock out whatever tax crap has to be done, and then snuggle.
- Kids who give me hugs when I return home and kisses before bed
-- I want to raise my kids approximately the way I was raised. I want to make sure they feel secure and loved, and I want to help them to understand the value of wisdom.
- A church family who prays with me
-- I intend to give my tithe and help out where I can. I know I can't be a part of every mission the church attacks, but I intend to back them however I can. I think my gift is prayer, and I hope to pray for lots of people.
"Like a 'Happy Birthday' on a Thursday."
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