God is so good to me. When I am depressed, he lifts me up. When I need comfort, he's there for me.

Thanks, God...

I was thinking recently... I never really understood what people meant when they talked about "buckets" with reference to love in relationships. "Filling someone's bucket" always seemed like such a silly or childish concept to me. However, recently the idea took on meaning for me in a new way. Love can be tiring, because in a sense it is almost a direct attempt to give energy to the recipient. If it is not reciprocated, it can be draining -- but keeping a relationship alive is not as simple as just "reciprocating". Love requires some learning on the part of the donor, and needs to be given in the way that is best received by the recipient, or else the transfer of love will be inefficient. If it's done very well then you can end up with more love than when you started -- which is kindof incredible from a purely technical standpoint. Where does this extra love come from? Well... I actually wrote a semi-long examination of this subject, but then I realized... this isn't gonna work out unless the work is comprehensive... and a thorough explanation has already been written elsewhere... I guess the short answer is that we are able to love because God first loved us. For someone elses sake I'll keep the rest of this in a draft.

"I guess... I don't get to have a confidant anymore."

So for the past week or two I've been listening to the same music whenever I do my homework.

... I was presently trying to figure out if I could make a link to it via Pandora...

Anyway, I've been listening to either a Nujabes mix that I made or a channel on Pandora with Nujabes and Psyche Origami whenever I do my homework, to see if I could train myself to do homework when I hear the music.

Today I think I've begun to see evidence that my plan is working. Listening to Nujabes I was able to get a huge assignment done that took me a few long hours, and I was thinking, "I'm doing well, I'll do one more!" but then I took my headphones off and as soon as I stepped into the living room to get my backpack I lost all motivation.

I didn't put the music back on for fear I'd gain motivation again. I should just take a break and then get to bed early tonight. It's been a rough week work-wise.

"Hashtag... SpaceCadet"

Just a few more days before this paper is due. I finally finished reading the horrible chapter I'm gonna write about, and I've outlined half of my summary of it. I figure the summary will be about 6 pages, littered with comments about the material, and then my analysis will cover the last two. Honestly I don't know how I am gonna approach analyzing this chapter, because I more-or-less agree with all of it, and I'm pretty sure I can sum up the whole thing in a few short sentences (or, if I wanted to include all his points and sources, I could at least cut the length of the chapter in 1/4).

Listening to the next great video from HDJRII. I really like his videos, they've got lots of practical wisdom, and they're presented by someone quite eccentric... which keeps it interesting :D

It's about how it's better not insult people, and he makes the point that the only reason you'd ever insult anyone is due to your own ignorance -- even if you're completely right. I should listen to his advice.

My suite-mate clogged the toilet and we can't get it unclogged.... it's pretty bad, and it smells quite awful. My roommate is mad at his life. His ex girlfriend and his school are troublesome to him.

These days I want to talk to Chowon all the time. I've wondered if I'm maybe a little bit too clingy. I decided, for today, to simmer down and give her phone a break. I have to think deeply about the future, after all. I've been praying about it.

I have to get to bed now :/

"In a prison in Europe, where two Jews who had been 'severely flogged' sang a hymn."

Abbey Jeske's sister came to school today. She composes music for piano. I tried to plan to listen to some of her work, but my plans fell through. I was thinking recently about hearing music and knowing people. That is, I listen to music by people I don't know, and it is simply either music I like or music I don't like. Sometimes it's music that makes a point or makes me think about something, but my attitude toward the music is very selfish.

If I knew the artists personally; if I were friends with them, then the music becomes an extension of their personality. If I listen to a composure, I can envision a world of emotions going on inside that person that reflects indirectly every aspect of their upbringing in such ways as cannot be expressed with words. Therefore these days I am fascinated with music written by people I can meet casually.

Chowon seems so busy these days. When she is like this I get a little worried about her. Hopefully God will keep holding her up and blessing her family.

I'm trying really hard to focus on my work, but I'm simply not interested in the writing style of this author. He repeats himself over and over with different wordings. This chapter is really really long.

...

I'm so under attack by the devil right now. I should go work on this homework in Ben's room.

"Remind my soul of a time before the self-hate."

Just listened to this song.

It exemplifies a popular worldview, wherein you're not thinking for yourself until you deny what you've been taught and rethink reality. I've seen this worldview misused, but the idea is very valuable. I've heard several times from atheists or even Unitarians or agnostics, that phrase, "I started thinking for myself..." '..and realized that God and heaven and hell are man-made; that heaven is a way of life, and that hell is what you make of it.'

The lyrics surprised me because he introduces that sentiment by saying that he realizes this "meaning" when he sees people praying open-heartedly to God.

It strikes me initially as really twisted. However, I think it is potentially an important question for people to ask themselves: "am I thinking for myself". And even the writer of this song; is he thinking for himself? or is he just rebelling against his former way of thinking, because it was taught to him and not discovered by him.

So then we arrive here: why would your parents teach you something false? I suppose there are a few possible reasons:
-They were also deceived by their parents (this one doesn't really count, because it's recursive)
-They are "mindless" trend followers (at least moreso than you)
-They were tricked by someone else (who was greedy, because it's the only nonrecursive explanation. Good thing you saw through it)
-They experienced something anomalous to make them think it was true
-They just wanted to lie to you
-You misunderstood them.

Before I continue, I want to make a distinction between wisdom and intelligence. Wisdom is practical and experiential knowledge -- it's often gained via mistakes, yours or others, but requires acknowledgement of the mistake and an active decision to learn from the mistake. Intelligence is trade-related aptitude and can be more-or-less learned in school.

I'm gonna generalize that in the vast majority of families, parents (and older people in general) are more wise than younger people. Also, I'm going to generalize that until a certain amount of wisdom is gained, most people don't realize that they are not wise, and therefore don't realize that their parents are more wise than them.

Up next, let's know that adopting a religion is a big choice. It has never been a small one. That is, challenging religion is by no means a "new" idea. People have been skeptical of every religion ever always. Hence many wars. Therefore, the parents (or their parents, or their grandparents as the case may be) probably put lots of thought into their decision to adopt a religion.

Honestly, I'd also say that in most cases, a parent won't just lie to their kids about this kind of thing, and they won't talk in riddles about heaven to trick their kid. If a kid asks for an egg, will his dad give him a scorpion? No, no, parents -generally- want their kids to grow up to be healthy and successful.

So that said, I think it's more likely that they experienced something to make them think it is true. I'll admit, "more likely" doesn't really count for much; and the "you're not thinking for yourself" argument basically debunks everything I'll every say because my parents are Christian.

Well, I suppose the most important thing here is: if you're really gonna throw everything out (so you can "think for yourself") and rethink your worldview, then make sure you throw everything out -- even down to "Do I exist?" "Why/how would anything exist?" "Am I able to think?" and "What the hell, if anything, is going on if I can't think?" I say this because unless you're willing or able to dump everything, then you run the risk of assuming something important is true or false without proof that it is true or false.

If that statement is true, then a foundational principle of the song (mentioned in the first paragraph) is baseless -- because as soon as he starts thinking for himself he adopts a new pre-wrapped worldview.

The fact is, though, you really can't dump everything. Descartes tried, and kept a record, and he's probably the most successful example who didn't start by killing himself (quickest way to find out for sure).

I suppose a fan of the music might be saying: "you're missing the point of the song. It's just supposed to be encouraging". If the encouragement is based on lies then it's setting people up for disappointment when/if they find out the truth.

"And you came here with nothing, and you'll leave here with nothing, so retreat from the world of deceitfulness"

I had Little Ben review my present. He's always surprising me with his insight, despite his age ... (even though, for some reason he plays his music overtop of Ben's, which I thought was a violation of universal good-roommate code.)

Anyway, his review of the present was awesomely productive. He was able to cut through the flaws and find deeper meanings in the larger parts. I'm sure if he had more time to examine it he'd completely decipher my work. I know roughly how I will revise it now and I'm confident in it's presentability -- although I think I maybe should introduce it first...

Many thanks to Little Ben.

Now to work on presents for the rest of the family... But what? I don't think I can (or have time to) make things for them as good as what I made for Chowon.

Today I kinda wrecked my car... but Phillip was here to be a blessing to me, and I got my suit with his car. God, please bless Phillip for his kindness.

I also decided on a plan-of-attack for Biblical Mission: I know how I will approach the rest of the class from here out. ;)

These days sometimes I catch myself worrying about my life. Everything is fragile, and if I try to fix all the things that break I won't have time for school.

What I have to do is remember my testimony and my role. I can't fix everything and everyone. The spiritual warfare around me is proof that God exists and that the devil wants me to forget it. I'm like a person walking on a long dry road, with sandy gusts of wind getting in my eyes. My stuff doesn't last forever, and it may come and go in quick succession. I just have to blink it out focus on the road. My role is to do school. If my car breaks; if my speakers break; if my books get wet and become unreadable; those things are just sandy gusts of wind, and school is the road.

These days, when I listen to music, I am easily swayed by the mood of the music. Happy music just makes me love the whole world, and sad music makes me a little depressed. Is that a bad thing?

"See you on the other side."

Finished my present for Chowon today, but then I realized that it isn't very romantic.
The meanings behind each part are hard to articulate, and I'm afraid they are easy to misinterpret. Parts of it are out of place, and parts of it are just too perfect to change. Like the emotion in it is all wrong, it's happy sometimes and sad other times, which is cool, but I can't tell if it is predominantly happy enough. I was aiming for intensity, but I think I maybe hit a different kind of intensity than I was aiming for. Idk, some parts of it are really good. Maybe it just needs more work. I'm gonna diagram it from the bottom up and try to categorize it and make sense of it. Maybe I'll make another...

Lots of work to do these days. Homework is kinda crazy. I'm nervous about this semester, but I'm also confident in my ability to do well in any class if I just had time for it. I cleaned up my schedule a little bit. Hopefully it'll be good :)

I didn't turn in a time card for the work I did for Dr. Graff. Idk, I enjoy that work a lot and at this point I don't really care about the pay. Maybe I'll never turn one in for these hours. I hope it doesn't get him or me in trouble if I do that.

I have to write this essay before bed~~~~~~

Ok, Zac. Focus!


"Fly like an arrow from God."